Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘use your words’

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Raising the Bar

Posted by AllieB on April 27, 2011

Meet Barmy. Barmy has a teeth tat of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

British plumber Barmy Baz Franks, 29, got a dentist to use ultra-fine brushes and stencils to paint images of the smiling royals.

Barmy, this is not the best example of you making good life-choices, particularly since it cost $1,650 of YOUR OWN MONEY. These drawings are called “gnasher tats” and they’ll last for three months. That’s two months, 30 days, and 23 hours too long.

Speaking of jacked-up grilles, I share with you today’s word of the day:

Wonky: askew or messed up

She’s got that wonky tooth that needs some dental attention – it might be rotting.

Yeah, I saw him last night – he had to leave early, his eyes went wonky before 10.

I just like saying it, plus – and you know how I feel about alliterations – I can say it with Wednesday. Like ‘Wacky’ except for Wonky: it’s Wonky Wednesday.

My parents made me do my very own Easter egg hunt on Sunday, thereby acquainting me with a whole new level of self-mortification. I guess there were perks: I found $20 (FACE, Jordan), and I was thrilled to get the silk scarf I picked out in Pakistan and the beautimous earrings they brought me from Paris…but, still. Anyway, back to wonky: it pains me to say this because she is the most best dog in the whole world, but Missy Baxter just does not photograph well.

My EYES…!!! MY EYES!!!

(photo by Mr. Baxter – in his defense, I think Missy’s peepers skewed the light for the whole shot)

Based on other people I’ve talked to, I’m all alone with this, but you should probably pay attention anyway because I tend to be on the cutting edge of most things. Happy Endings, the new show that comes on at 10 on Wednesdays on ABC, is hilarious. Watch it, record it, whatever – give it a chance. Is it the next Friends? No. (Friends is irreplaceable.) Did I laugh out loud when I watched it, both after wine and again a few days later without wine? Yes, I did.

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen.What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

-The One with Ross’s Wedding


Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

This is not about Charlie Sheen

Posted by AllieB on March 2, 2011

The whole Charlie Sheen situation is really very sad, and I choose to take the high road re: judgement, but I will provide some insightful commentary. Something is clearly amiss here, yet he seems to have the notion that he is fine and capable of providing his children with the care they need. Delusional sociopath? Perhaps. Devoted father with a substance abuse problem? Equally plausible. I will give him props for introducing a whole new slew of slang to our daily jargon. Me, my favorites are “the scoreboard doesn’t lie” and “gnarly gnarlingtons.” We’re not intervening on him for his catchphrases, just the drugs, prostitutes, and all-round uncouth behavior. And I’m following him on Twitter – I’m really getting into this Twitter thing; it’s neat.

I am currently debating what I might give up for Lent – I’ve decided I’m going to get serious this year, so I’m really hashing it out. My take on Lent is it that it should be something that improves your being, be it done by adding a new behavior or taking a negative one away. Anyway, current front runners are:

  1. no mas four letter curse words
  2. no – none, nada, nein – stuffed pasta (you laugh…this might be the most difficult thing on here)
  3. cannot order Hoegaardens (this will result in both a caloric and fiscal benefit)

All of those things would make me a better, healthier person. Except for the first – I read somewhere that dropping an F-bomb when you’re mad/upset/in pain helps you cope with the situation better, but I’m too lazy to look it up. Oh add that on: #4 – be not lazy. Regardless, I just think it might be more ladylike of me to not say expletives, and anyone who knows me knows that I am on an eternal quest to be more ladylike. Wait, would acronyms count?? Hmm. I guess I can just yell OMLG whenever I feel like going primal.

I need a nap.

from: blackmarketborn.com

Hey, look Buff – kitten mittens.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Please stop talking. Also, FREE Chick-fil-A!

Posted by AllieB on December 21, 2010

I just left a happy birthday message for my bestest Juan (happy birthday, JohnnyT!), and, as I was hanging up the phone, I noticed that the call timer was over one minute. I wondered, what on earth did I just say to him for one minute?! The answer: nothing good.

Without any kind of response or barrier, just wide open talking time, things can get really out of hand. My thoughts – which are scattered at best – come out in this mindless drivel that is tedious for the message recipient and outright embarrassing for the message leaver (me).

I recall another message I left my buddy Miguel (strange that the two people I have thus far mentioned have names that are easily translated to Spanish – even stranger that, come to think of it, I actually took Spanish with each of these individuals…) pertaining to a lunch date.

“Michael, it’s Allie. I am calling in reference to our lunch date. I was thinking we might go to Jalisco because it is my favorite place to have Mexican food. We should absolutely get a cheese dip, and I will probably act like I am deciding between a beef soft taco and a cheese quesadilla, but I will ultimately end up ordering both. I hope you call me back before 11 because I am very hungry and you know what happens when I get hungry – my blood sugar drops and I get really cranky. I should probably have a snack now, just in case you don’t call me back before 11. I wonder what I’ll have…maybe some peanut butter crackers…”

And that’s just the part I remember. Ew, it’s even worse seeing it written out like that. Oh GOD what if these people are READING their voicemails via iPhone/Blackberry app or Google Voice?! I’m cringing as I type. The lesson here is clear: after four rings – five, max – hang up the phone.

I went to my first White Elephant Christmas party/gift exchange last night, hosted by Talbott and attended by ten or so. I’m still not entirely sure I understand the premise. Everyone brings an elaborately wrapped gift – I suppose the point is that you want people to choose your gift –  but then people can opt to steal the gift you’ve chosen or open their own gift…and then the person whose gift gets stolen is then given the opportunity to steal another’s gift. Oh. I guess I do get it. Perhaps I’m just not that thrilled with the whole deal because someone STOLE my gift. To the grinch who yanked my bottle o’ red and grapefruit hand cream from Woo: I am not happy.

Lastly – you’re welcome (credit: MPvZB)

http://www.getspicychicken.com/

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

There are stupid questions

Posted by AllieB on December 2, 2010

This doesn’t make me sound super cool, but I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I like to know things, and if I don’t know something about which I am curious I like to research until I can figure it out. Google is my favorite invention, ever. I say that quite literally – I thought about it, and of all the things I make use of on a day to day basis I appreciate Google most. I’m clearly not counting cars and food and wine, etc. I especially adore Google Image – the results to the query “puppies hugging” make me really happy.

MASH!

I get that looking stuff up online can be tedious and often it’s just easier to send a quick chat or email to a friend asking a quick Q, but there are limits. To those who send gchats asking, “how late is Trader Joe’s open?” or, “where is the concert tonight?” or, “what is a salad spinner?” – allow me.

First, I go to www.lmgtfy.com and am presented with the following screen, at which point I type in whatever idiotic question with which I’ve been burdened:

Per the instructions, I click a button – Google Search. The site generates a link, which I then share with the half-wit who has asked me about the salad spinner, whereupon they are firmly put in their place and probably feel like a dunce.

The link: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+is+a+salad+spinner

It’s hard not to feel foolish watching the process unfold – the first time it happened to me I think I actually blushed. You sit there, helpless, as the mouse scans over the screen, clicks in the search box and types out the question, then sends you to the actual Google results with a shame-inducing, “was that so hard?”

People don’t always laugh upon receiving this link, but it serves its purpose. Sister suggested that I become a comedienne, and I do not think she was being sincere. Lacy got so sick of it that she actually started looking things up herself. Me, I find it enormously entertaining.

Now, what should I goog…?

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

You, too, can make a difference…

Posted by AllieB on November 15, 2010

Today, November 15, is National Philanthropy Day. Because I work for a non-profit, I would like to encourage others to pay homage to the meaning of this noteworthy day. Take your old clothes to a thrift store, make a monetary donation in honor of a loved one, or, and this is how I’ve chosen to acknowledge the day (in addition to showing up to work, which I feel is essentially a charitable deed), adopt a word.

Indeed – some words are at risk of being removed from the dictionary, I suppose to make room for more relevant words, such as bootylicious (added to Webster in 2008 as an adjective: sexually attractive, esp with curvaceous buttocks). Go to this website – note the .org URL – and adopt your own word for free. Mine is “cloakative” – I will try to use it in a sentence.

At first, my friendship with Hilary was cloakative at best, but we’ve come leaps and bounds since then and now I almost genuinely like her.

It means superficial – that may or may not have been clear. Perhaps we actually can do without “cloakative” – I’m going to find another one. Adopt a word today! Save the words!

Note from Allie: I do not recommend image goog’ing “bootylicious.” I really should’ve known better….but I wanted to provide a visual. I think we can all agree that Kim Kardashian is pretty much the indisputable personification of the word. Holy moly, that thing needs its own zip code.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

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