Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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The one where a stranger took a picture of me sleeping

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2013

Hello, let’s jump right in. Today I share with you the pluses and minuses of public transportation. Please don’t stop before you begin, I promise it’ll be worth your while…

MINUS – like, minus to infinity: I had a work thing in the DC/Maryland area this week, and I like trains so I decided to take the Acela instead of flying. The Acela is my new favorite method of transport: it is a fast train that stops in only a few cities, and it has comfy seats and lots of leg room and there’s none of the security hoopla of airports. I went down Monday night and returned Wednesday morning on the 7AM train. My 5AM wake up call was entirely unwelcome: I already felt like I’d lived a week of two Mondays, two Tuesdays, and I was waking up to my second Wednesday – I was exhausted. The train ride from DC to NYC is 2 hours and 45 minutes, and I slept HARD, like hardcore R.E.M. sleep from Baltimore to Philadelphia, which is about 1.5 hours. I woke up as we got close to Philly very disoriented and confused…and then…THIS:

“Um, excuse me?” The guy next to me cleared his throat.

I turned to him and he continued, “So, I have something to show you, and before you think I’m really creepy – I swear I’m not – it’s just…well, here,” as he pulls out his phone, “I took a picture of you sleeping.”

“You – wait … WHAT?!?!?” It took me about 3 seconds to process this (if you count out 3 seconds Mississippi-ly that’s a long time to process a thought), and once it hit me I was not happy.

“Yeah – stop, don’t look at me like that – you sleep really…I guess I’ve never seen anyone sleep like that before. You were, just, getting after it. I wanted to tell my friends about it but I didn’t think they’d believe me, so I took a picture…then I felt bad about sending it, so I decided I’d show you before I sent it to anyone and let you decide if I could share it.”

He handed me his phone. Suffice it to say…it wasn’t good. My head was lolled back on my shoulders, mouth gaping open, eyes pretty much wide open and staring right at him (I sleep with  my eyes open – have we talked about that?) and hair a veritable rat’s nest around my dome. “Plus,” he said, ever so helpfully, “your head kept doing that thing where it falls forward and then snaps back…aw man, I should have taken a video!”

Sweet. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to delete that,” I told him, “delete that right now.” My level of kiddingness was neg.

“OK…I get that. Here, done, DELETE.” He was sad to see it go, but he probably already sent it to his buddies anyway and the part about letting me decide was a bunch o baloney – I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then he added, “But I guess I also took it because I thought you should know how you sleep…”

I assured him that he was definitely not the first person to take a picture of me sleeping, but was absolutely the first stranger who had, and he goes, “Ha, that you know of….”

At this point all I could do was laugh. He didn’t seem like a weird creep (and I don’t give people much benefit of the doubt when I’m assessing weird creepiness), he was definitely somewhat PLU, around my age, not heinous…hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself… Then we pulled up to Philly and he got off. The end.

(Author’s note: I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to include a pic of me sleeping – obviously not the one he took, but I wasn’t lying when I said that others had snapped pics of me in medias slumber. I decided that, given all the weird crap going on right now we could all use some cheering up..so…here. Bus – me – under it.)

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

Here’s my takeaway: are there any classes that teach people how to sleep normal? I bet there are – there’s a class for just about everything in NYC. I do usually sleep with an eye mask, which helps with the eyes-open issue…but, as we all now know, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

gratutitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my 'hood

gratuitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my ‘hood

PLUS!: AM New York, a free newspaper up here, distributes their paper via paper people who stand at subway entrances, passing them out as people walk by. You’ll find a wide array of paper people: some are surly and just hold them out, silently; some are shouting about deals/coupons in that day’s edition; and others are less focused on giving away papers, but engaging with passer-bys. Normally, no gracias – leave me alone – but there is a woman who stands on the landing at the Bryant Park/42nd Street station at the corner of 42nd and 5th, where I emerge from subway to city every morning, and she is maybe my favorite human in NY.

“Alright, girl – it’s another beautiful day out there! Let me see you smile, oh yeah, there it is! Look at that smile! You go, girl, you’re gonna be great today, just keep smilin’…”

Each morning as I climb up the stairs, regardless of my disposition or mood, I cannot help but break into a huge, goofy smile, and I feel so silly about it I start laughing to myself. So, basically, because of this woman, I start each day laughing outloud. I believe that my overall quality of life has been improved since I began seeing her every day.

Cheesiness factor: high. I care not, you’d all be so lucky to have this gem of a person in your life.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank you all for your concerned texts/calls/emails/gchats about my sister, Charlotte, who ran the Boston Marathon on Monday. She was very close to the explosions, but she had her phone with her (many hadn’t had a chance to retrieve between finishing/running race and the blasts) so she was able to let us know right away that she was fine and safe and kept us posted as to her location, etc. It’s such a horrible tragedy on so many levels, but I really do appreciate the social media focus on the inherent good in people that shows itself in situations such as this. I also really appreciate these five golden retrievers – “comfort dogs” – who are part of the K-9 Lutheran Parish in Boston and trained specifically to provide emotional support.

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and not enjoying a minute of it

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and hating every second of it

BBT sends thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by Boston, the Texas explosion, or any of the other unpleasantness going on right now. XOXO….and TGIT

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At least I’m not greedy…

Posted by AllieB on April 4, 2013

Have you ever taken a Seven Deadly Sins quiz? There are several online. You answer some multiple choice questions and then it generates which of the seven sins (wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony) of which you’re most guilty. I’ve taken a couple over the years, and I am actually characterized by not one, but two sins: sloth and gluttony. To me, this isn’t so bad because those are pretty much just two horns on the same goat; I’d be worried if my answers came out 50/50 to sloth and wrath because that suggests a bipolar disorder or similar. Anyway, Gluttonous & Slothy Allie comes out in full force on vacation. I really can’t go on trips – like beach, low-key type trips – for more than a week. It’d be very unhealthy to sustain the lifestyle I embrace on vacation for any longer.

Cut to: Mexico. I went to bed at 8:30 every night, choosing slumber over rowdy family games of UNO, and slept til 9. I complained about walking half a mile to dinner, but then would go – begrudgingly – and inhale margs and chips and salsa and tacos and more chips and margs. I groaned at trudging all the way to the beach from the pool that was pretty much on the beach and considered the journey up the three flights of stairs to the roof-top pool/lounge area my Everest. I did go on a couple of yogs and I think I knocked out 50 squats and a full minute wall-sit midweek, but that’s it. By Friday, the sixth day, I was ready to go. I finished every single one of Elin Hilderbrand’s books (I don’t know what it is about her books, they’re like the novel equivalent of mac and cheese), and I was sick of waking up still full from my meal the night previous. There is no worse feeling than waking up still full from your meal the night previous.

While it’s good to be back into normal Active Allie mode, I do miss Mexi…esp the temp. It was 33 degrees this morning and I AM OVER IT. In protest against Mother Nature I’m wearing a skirt without tights. People on the subway looked at me more strangely than they did the male senior citizen sitting next to me who was listening to Taylor Swift on LOUD and humming along. It was pretty funny – a fairly normal looking 75 year old, just jamming out to T Swizzle.

Mexico was great, though, here are some photos.

mexi1

 Can you guess which are enhanced and which are not? No? Don’t really care? Ok, I will tell you: the two on the right are without filter and the other three have a couple. Wow!

picstitch

Sunset; SISTERS; tourist-watching at the Mayan Ruins. Like, that is foul. The view from the front was borderline pornographic and much too inappropriate to share on BBT.

After vacation I went to Atlanta. I hosted a baby shower for Nancy with the rest of SPICE my high school besties, and that was really fun. The only way you can tell Nancy is pregnant is because of her baby bump, the rest of her is the exact same – she’s TEENY. JSimps: you’re doing it wrong. My contribution to the festivities was the Mimosa Bar (obviously), and I think it turned out great! Thank you, Pinterest.

mimosa

Domestic Allie’s Mimosa Bar: prosecco, sparkling water, organic juices (grapefruit – OJ – pink lemonade)

Also, and I’m not going to go into the whole story because I don’t feel like it, but, as I predicted in my last post, we DID have some mishaps with our airline travel…we had to switch planes in ATL en route to Cancun last Saturday morning, and our flight from NYC to ATL was 30 mins late, thereby making our 45 minute connection very dicey. Jordan and I hauled A off the plane, shoving aside anyone who was in our way – I kicked a toddler in the gangway – and literally, like really literally, sprinted all the way down the A terminal (we came in at A9 so that’s like half a mile) to the train which we rode out to Terminal F (Terminal F is at a different airport, I think), then run up three escalators and all the way down to gate F4. The door was already closed and the attendant was closing up shop, but she saw us and said, “let’s give it a try, girls!” and she ran us down to see if the airplane door was still open…and it WAS! Turns out Mr. Baxter was going all furrowed-brow on the stewardess trying to shut the door – no one argues with Mr. Baxter when he brings out the furrowed brows – and we were able to board. The whole plane applauded. As I told the nice Mexican man in Customs, it was all very high drama. The End.

I do that a lot: I say I’m not going to tell the whole story, and then I proceed to tell the whole story.

Newsworthy news:

–theSkimm: it is a news email that goes out every morning around 6:15 and gives you a “skimm” of what is going on in the news on a Domestic and International level, and Social and Political issues that are a hot topic that day. I got my first one today and it’s legit – sign up!

–I updated my book list. I’ve been reading a lot of nonfiction lately…I still can’t get over the book about meth (Methland) – it was NUTS. Take those freaky meth commercials they air in Georgia and multiply them by like infinity and you’ve got the stories this guy wrote about…kids, don’t do meth

-if you don’t have already it, you need to get Netflix: the return of Arrested Development will show exclusively on Netflix and it premiers on May 26 at 9PM. House of Cards – have I talked about this yet? - is another Netflix-only show that is awesome. It’s a sleazy political DC-based series starring Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright that I made it through in one weekend. It’s so bad it’s good.

–Ryan Lochte is getting his own reality TV show. (Remember his amazing tweets leading up to and during the Olympics? He’s speshul.) I won’t watch it because I only like scripted sleazy television, but I look forward to hearing about what a doofus he is.

–WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS CRUISE SHIP. Sister sent an email this morning describing the situation perfectly, so I cut and pasted it: you know that cruise ship that was stuck in the Gulf of Mex? Well, it was somewhere in the gulf near Mobile being repaired and BROKE away from where it was tethered and floated down the river and crashed into something else. Like, PUT that cruise ship down like a rabid dog, someone please.

-I learned how to use my hair wand, and I joined Foursquare.

Have yourself a lovely Thursday. Watch where you’re going and say please and thank you. Laureo and Lucy, I’m already thirsy….

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Beach Bum Tan > Baxter Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on March 21, 2013

It’s a common stereotype: people in the North are more abrasive, louder, and sometimes literally pushier than people from the South. I wouldn’t argue with this at all. The good manners and common courtesies with which I was raised and am accustomed to are not a given, and I think I need to just put on my big girl pants and get over it.

Case in point: last Friday evening at Beach Bum Tan. All I wanted was a spray tan in a booth, which they didn’t have, but the seemingly pleasant girl behind the counter, Mariam, said she could airbrush me herself in like an hour. No prob, I had some wine with Mary Cath around the corner and went back. In the time I was gone Mariam apparently underwent some kind of lobotomy, and it was not she but Mr. Hyde who was doing my tan. Things started off poorly when she accused me of lying about being from New Jersey and continued on in the manner of a downward spiral for the duration.

“I’ve got an Allie Baxter in the computer right here – see? That’s your name, you’ve been to our Jersey location before. You’re from Jersey.”

“I think it’s another Allie Baxter. I am from Atlanta.”

“Why would there be two of you?? And we don’t even have any stores in Atlanta!”

Precisely my point. “Look, I really haven’t been here before, and sometimes people have the same name…maybe there’s another Allie Baxter in New Jersey.”

“Fine, whatever. You’re not from Jersey, I get it. SH*T we’re running behind. Hurry up, Abby, we gotta get this done fast.”

She turned and stalked down the corridor. Assuming by Abby she meant Allie (after all that you’d think she’d get my name right), I dutifully followed along behind her, really thrilled to have the crazy person give me a spray tan. Once situated, the berating continued.

“You know how this works, right?”

“Yes, I -”

“When’s your event?”

“Tomorrow.”

“TOMORROW?! When were you going to tell me it was TOMORROW. Jesus frigging Chr- I just asked you if you knew how this works, and you said yes, but OBVIOUSLY you do not if you’re here a frigging day before whatever little party you have. It’s a TWO DAY process.”

“Um….I didn’t know…I’m sorry?” Her manner and tone really did make me feel sorry.

“Let’s look at you – oh my god you’re even paler than I thought. You’re like a Type I, I can’t even give you that much color or you’ll look like a frigging idiot. Seriously, do you go outside, like, EVER?!”

I inferred this to be a rhetorical question.

“I’m going to write out a list of instructions for you, Abby, and I think I’m going to call you tomorrow to make sure you’re following them TO A TEE and not screwing it all up.”

She shut off the airbrush thingy and ordered me to dry off while she attended to her other customers. I mulled over our interaction and started to get a little pissed off because seriously?! I got dressed and marched out to the reception area, ready to stand up to this relentless abuse.

“Listen, Mariam,” I began, planning to tell her while I appreciated her ‘input’ I did not appreciate being yelled at but that the tan was looking really good. (See what I did there? It’s a Compliment Sandwich: two compliments bookending a criticism. It’s a trick for delivering unpleasant truths. I learned it from Family Guy.)

Before I could continue she cut me off, thrusting a two page pamphlet in my hand with illegible scrawls all over it, “Remember what I said about FOL-LOW-ING THE IN-STRUC-TIONS. Oh, and here’s an envelope for my tip. People are usually happy with the outcome and leave me, like, $7-$10. BYE Abby.” She looked at me, then looked pointedly at the envelope.

I feel like this is what The Today Show and People magazine are talking about when they talk about bullies. Instead of standing up for myself, I obediently took out a $10 dollar bill, placed it in the envelope, murmured a feeble “thanks” and shuffled meekly out the door.

The good news is that it was a buy-one-get-one-free situation, so I’ve got a voucher to go back for another. If anyone wants to go be Allie Baxter (NOT the one from Jersey), you are more than welcome to a free airbrush and moral smackdown with Mariam.

Cool story, Hansel. On Saturday I am going on vacation!!! The whole Baxter fam is headed to Playa del Carmen in Mexico. Weird stuff always happens when all of us travel together, so fingers crossed no one dies on my airplane! Here’s a pic of where I’ll be – it looks pretty nice. And my new phone just arrived, so I’ll be sure to document our week on Insta. BOLO for humble brags!

playa del carmen

Ok, I’ll finish the drill. For those of you still reading, here are a few external links for your reading enjoyment. Adios!

In the vein of what I mentioned last week re: my mortal fear of a subway-related death, there are also these things about which to be concerned.

You’re going to want to meet Mo, a brand new baby river otter.

This article published in the LA Times 25 years ago that predicts how things would be in the year 2013 (2013 is the year it is now – this guy got it pretty wrong).

*I always come up with the title after I write the post, and I’m only now seeing that Beach Bum Tan and BBT share the same initials. I HATE THAT PLACE.

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L-I-V-I-N

Posted by AllieB on February 7, 2013

If I didn’t love it so much here, a relocation to Austin, Texas would definitely be something to consider. What a great city. I’m sure my super-positive takeaway was bolstered by the perfect weather, our luxe accomodations, and the priceless companionship, but Austin is everything it’s hyped up to be. I won’t give you a play by play of the weekend because that would be weird, but I’ll give you some highlights.

A, Erika, K, Nando, and I rendezvoused in Austin because we just kind of felt like it, and it was one of K’s very best ideas – K gets credit for orchestrating the whole gig. The most important thing that happened to me, personally, over the weekend is that Erika teased my hair, and I loved it. I’m definitely going to start teasing it up here in the Big Apple – bigger is better, right? We were trading make-up tips (just girls doing what girls do! We had pillow fights, too, and A brought her Oujia board) and I think it’s time I look into some sort of lip color or tint…I went to Texas and came back with a bouffant and pink lipstick – sounds about right.

Erika tells an enthralling tale; we all listen closely (not picture: us not listening at all, it took her like 20 mins to get thru the whole thing. Sorry, Erika. Credit: K!)

Erika tells an enthralling tale; we all listen closely (not pictured: us not listening at all, it took her like 20 mins to get thru the whole thing. At first glance I thought I was kind of smirking in skepticism, but then I remembered the story you were telling and realized I’m actually covering my mouth in horror – that really was a doozie. Credit: K)

On Saturday morning one of my most favorites, Miguel Egan, took me to the best dog park  ever – it was what imagine doggy heaven probably looks like. Maybe people heaven, too. We brought Skydog along and played with pups all morning – it was pretty perfect. I could have stayed there forever…kinda wish I was there right now… Dogs rock.

Austin skyline as seen from dog park; THAT corgi puppy named Paisley; Skydog.

Austin skyline as seen from dog park; THAT corgi puppy named Paisley; Skydog.

For apres-patio beers/pre-cocktails and dinner at La Condesa, the five of us ventured over the bridge to the Hotel San Jose, a very cool hotel where there’s much more than meets the eye – that there ride shown below sums up the vibe pretty well, check out the website. It definitely has a motel-y exterior, but inside it’s like a fairyland of cheese plates and seductive lighting and sustainable materials.

san jose motel

Looking back down South Congress at Saturday night rush hour; the Hotel San Jose Mobile

I’d also like to give a shoutout to our driver, Markus, who we co-opted from the Four Seasons for the weekend. Markus had endless patience and a great sense of humor and knew exactly what I was talking about when I was explaining to everyone the song “Cantaloop.” 

So…the end. I loved seeing everyone (Bo, if you’ve deigned to read this week’s post, this includes you), and I loved going on a trip that was actually relaxing. I feel like the new standard is that I go on vacation and return in need of a vacation. I’m going to make weekend jaunts like this a real priority, so it’ s a good thing that money grows on trees! I will say, however, that the change from beautiful and balmy to cloudy with a chance of two feet of snow has left me at less than 100%. There’s an alarming pattern in the works: everytime I fly I lose my voice, and when it comes back it’s only coming back to like 3/4 of what it was. Basically, if this continues, it’s only a matter of time before I sound like James Earl Jones’s slightly more feminine but no less iconic twin. Hotness.

 This next item has been on the BBT docket for awhile now, and today I am finally giving it notice: J-Dig Cards. Are you familiar? I went to college with one of the founders, Josh Henry, and he runs the business with his brother Peter and sister-in-law Cathy. The cards are made in America on recycled paper and, most importantly, they are all awesome. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Happy Birthday! & Thank you!

Happy Birthday! & Thank you!
Images courtesy http://shop.j-digcards.com/

I’m a real big card giver – I don’t buy birthday gifts for friends and I certainly don’t expect any from them, but I take card giving very seriously. A thoughtful card chosen with a specific person in mind can mean a lot – you can keep your candle. Actually, no, give me the candle, but I really do love an “only-Allie-would-appreciate-this” gesture. SO, check out J-Dig! They have them for every occasion you can think of, and also for no occasion at all, and they’re sold at Sam Flax in Atlanta and a whole bunch of places in NYC and just all over – here’s a map of vendors across the country.

Winter Storm Nemo is about to dump a whole bunch of snow on us Northeasterners. Kind of incongruous, don’t you think, naming a snow storm Nemo? PIXAR does not approve, and neither does BBT.

Hope y’all all have a very thirsty Thursday (MC – see you shortly; I’ll have a marg on the rocks w/o salt), and I also hope, for your sake, that you’re having as good a hair day as I am… I don’t know what’s going on up there, but it looks fabulous.

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Not only is your fly open, there’s a pencil sticking out of it

Posted by AllieB on January 30, 2013

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I am skipping around in a field of daises full of leaping puppies with cheesesteaks and red wine as faaaaar as the eye can see. And it’s not just today – lately I’ve found myself seeking out interaction with pretty much any and everyone – I never realized how much more interesting the day is if you talk to the guy at the bodega, or whomever. (NOTE: I would never - even if I’d just won the lottery and found out J Simps is giving birth to triplets - EVER initiate conversation with strangers  on the subway or train. That’s like the public transportation equivalent of a sanctuary.) On Friday, for instance, I talked to a guy in the elevator. He was wearing a suit, and he told me he didn’t know why he wore suits on Friday, but that it probably had something to do with his Catholic school upbringing. I agreed and then suggested that perhaps that explained a lot of other things as well – oh, but did we laugh!

There are myriad reasons as to why I am Animated (Annoying?) Allie today:

1. I’m going to AUSTIN on Friday!! Not only have I never been there, but I’ve never even been to Texas! Plus, I did some thinking, and this is my first non-wedding-related, non-family trip that I’ve taken since 2007, the occasional random lake/mountain/beach weekend notwithstanding. I guess I mean the first trip I’ve taken that required flight and days off. We’re staying here, dining here, and doing whatever else we please. BOLO for Insta-overload.

Four Seasons Austin. Looks alright

Four Seasons Austin. Looks alright

*Oops. This is a rendering and not a picture. Thanks, Hilary – I guess this is what it feels like when someone corrects your grammar. The website is much cooler, you can go to the link above if you want to see it in all its splendor. Looks like I got schooled by the internet.

2. I move into my apartment tomorrow. I am the world’s WORST mover and I seem to be continuing my streak. At least I’m not slinging furniture down several flights of stairs and doing twelve – TWELVE – trips between my apartment and parents’ home to move all my crap. That was last summer, and that was the worst. This move is pretty much all clothes, and I’m shipping most of it. Assuming UPS picks up my boxes and they can be delivered to my apartment without me being there. I fear this could be a flawed system and it’s possible I’ll be wearing the same clothes for a week while I figure out what they’ve done with my items.

totally under control

My room on Monday – totally under control

3. These are back:

kate for the win

4. Amazon is sending me new sunglasses AND giving me credit for the order they messed up…twice.

Jabroni - nope; Bug Eyed - who knew there were shades too big for my dome?

Jabroni – eek; Bug Eyed – nope, but who knew there were shades too big for my dome?

The ones I want are a combo of those two…normal lens, normal size. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love Amazon.

5. This Jack Donaghy insult generator – also credit for today’s title. We’re gonna miss you Liz Lemon.

6. Truf.

i-heart-ny

 Oh yeah. Happy Birthdays to Kara & Courtney! Remember when we all went to Trois like six years ago? Memories…

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

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