Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘stop that now’

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Mind Your P’s and Q’s

Posted by AllieB on November 17, 2010

I’ll be the first one to say it – my manners are not impeccable. No need to expound further, but my day to day behavior, particularly at the dinner table, leaves much to be desired. Obviously, when in a more formal setting I am perfectly capable of being the consummate dining companion, not unlike a princess, even (damn you Kate Middleton), it’s just not my default…

Anyway, regardless of my own flaws, I am easily irked by the inappropriate/unacceptable manners of others. Here are things I do not prefer:

  • Smacking. I know – pot, kettle, black – but I’ve gotten lots better and am now truly disgusted by those who do. As a babysitter, I feel it is important to correct the errant ways of children and did so just the other evening. Grace, a precocious seven-year-old girl, was smacking her food so loudly that I had to speak sternly to her about how unattractive it was and that she really ought to stop. She looked at me squarely in the eye and spoke sternly to me about saying “like, yeah” so much – “you don’t sound like you know what you’re talking about,” she said. I then suggested we call it a draw; she agreed, and we shook on it. Touché. Me and Dee Reynolds – shaping the minds of America’s Youth.
  • Slouching. Sit up straight – you’ll look five pounds thinner. If that’s not reason enough, then I can’t help you.
  • To the waiter who wants to bond with the table and goes so far as to scoot into the booth: please don’t. I’m all about building rapport, but if we wanted to sit with you at dinner we would have invited you to join us at dinner. I find it very unsettling to suddenly be touching thighs with a stranger as they take my order…it happened at Tavern 99, and the waiter in question was adorned in the never-not-classy Sexy Referee Uniform. Boundaries.
  • Slurping. Akin to smacking, this is a wholly unappetizing thing to do at the table. I’m starting to feel a bit like Seinfeld…
  • Eating wings in public (Pants, Billy, Dallas, BP – I’m talkin to you).

I think one of my New Year’s Resolutions will be to adjust my behavior to that of a princess every day, formal occasion or no. I bet menfolk will find that more appealing, not to mention the friends and family with whom I frequently enjoy meals.

Dear Mom,

This Thanksgiving I promise to do none of the above.

Your loving daughter,

(Princess) Alexandra

(Source: whatupwithtthat)

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

On Notice: J Simps

Posted by AllieB on November 15, 2010

Seriously, Jessica? Your behavior in recent weeks has me yearning for the days when your indiscretions were confined to wardrobe blunders and unfortunate sound bites.

So, again I ask: seriously, Jessica? Your engagement to NFL free agent Eric Johnson is equal parts pathetic and stupid. Your ex-husband Nick and his longtime girlfriend, Vanessa, got engaged but two weeks ago, you had an unfortunate run-in at an LA eatery wherein you got drunk and said insulting things about them (a.k.a. the most innocuous couple of all time), and now you’ve gone and gotten engaged to a man whom you’ve not only been dating for only five months or so, but whose divorce from his own wife was finalized only last  September – as in, two months ago. To me, the cons outnumber the pros by about a gazillion to one. The close proximity in which  you secured your own engagement to that of your ex is truly laughable, and it’s quite clear that you threatened the poor guy – or maybe your Dad did – a gun to the head, perhaps?

Never one to humiliate yourself on a single level when there are other arenas in which to fail, your Christmas single, “My Only Wish” off your new holiday  album is a very sad, very obvious rip-off of Mariah Carey’s classic, “All I Want for Christmas (Is You).” Why, why would you choose that song – of all the Christmas songs – to copycat. Your half-ass version is not good, and no one is going to listen to it when they can just listen to Mariah’s instead. Please see a comparison of the lyrics below – it’s  hard to even read, must less listen to.

Between these two latest gaffes plus the others I wrote about a few months ago…I just – I don’t know what to say, moving forward. Given how things have been going for you recently, I’d take extra precautions when performing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – there are 13 – 14 deaths/year  by way of parade float, so…just sayin’ – ya better watch out…

That was morbid, lo siento. I’m just fed up with your nonsense – pump the brakes, reel it in, and stop being so stupid. Then we’ll talk.

P.S. Congrats on the engagement…kudos for choosing such a fugly unique ring.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Shameful Post

Posted by AllieB on November 2, 2010

In the past, when I’ve surveyed others as to what sort of material they might want to read about on my little blog here, people always say I should write about shameful Facebook posts, of which there are a plethora. I’m not going to go on a tirade of things I hate on Facebook, but I do like to make fun of people who do stupid things on Facebook.

The sad thing is – sometimes people are innocent victims of their insolent friends. See below. The origin of this escapes me – I think Pal shared it last summer…? I don’t really know, but I’ve protected names and faces. (Although I will assert that I did not know, nor did I have a single friend in common with, any of the people involved.)

Commentator #1 needs a refresher in Social Niceties: What Not to Say to a Recently Separated Person, Particularly on a Viral Platform Such as Facebook. Commentator #3 did the right thing in calling him out. However, and maybe this is just my preference to avoid potentially awk situations, I would have inquired of a close, trustworthy mutual friend as to what happened, and then sent an email – NOT an FB message – offering my condolences or whatever was appropriate in this scenario.

Either way, Commentator #1: you’re fired.

I know I have more shameful material than this archived in my color-coded labels. BOLO for Shameful Post, Vol II.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

One-upper extraordinaire

Posted by AllieB on September 15, 2010

Everyone has a friend like Penelope. No matter what happens, this one-upping scene-stealer always trumps your line, and I often get the feeling that their story isn’t quite on-level…

Watch below as Penelope actually uses a Shamwow! to quantify just how much she cried during a wedding ceremony.

[hulu:http://www.hulu.com/embed/-Dq2NWI2uPC2hyqc2xw84g]

Or, another example might be:

Allie: I got hit by a bus today

One-Upper: Today I was dragged six miles by an 18-wheeler, yet look how amazing my hair looks…and that doesn’t even compare to the time when the airplane took off before I was safely in my seat, and I flew alongside the plane all the way to Dubai…

See? It’s incredibly irritating.

Allie: I had the best day – I got a raise!

One-Upper: I got a raise AND a promotion!! And a brand new car plus an iPad, and it turns out I’m next in line to be the princess of a small and obscure yet extremely wealthy Eastern European country!!

It’s possible these stories are embellished for the purpose of underscoring my point.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Might I suggest an alternative method of transport

Posted by AllieB on September 9, 2010

I never thought that I would appreciate MARTA, or that it could possibly be the better option in comparison to another city’s public transit system, but I stand corrected.

Perhaps the concept of personal space simply doesn’t exist in Japan – that’s the only explanation for the apparent tolerance of this inhumanity. I’m having an anxiety attack just watching it. BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE.

Oh my god.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

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