Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘questionable’

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That’s Enough Advice, Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on April 14, 2011

For my third advice column, I’m doing actual questions asked by actual people…ish. I liberally paraphrased the following questions from multiple convos with multiple people, but I can do that because I call the shots around here.

Dear BBT,

I want to meet new boys – where/how can I do that?

-Single and Ready to Mingle

Dear Never Refer to Yourself as “Ready to Mingle” Again,

Service projects! Philanthropic social events! match.com! Irby Avenue!

I really have no idea. But what I do know is this: leave :| at home – no one wants to talk to Flat Face.

Dear BBT,

My friend is such a drama queen and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t think I can handle another second of her bitching and moaning. Thoughts?

-End of My Rope

Dear Join the Club,

Take it easy, JtC – being dramatic about another’s drama helps no one…I think lots of times people just go thru phases where they have their head so far up their own ass that they don’t know up from down. Maybe take a little breather – go invisi on gchat, hang out with a different group of friends for the weekend…sometimes space is the best medicine.

This is not good advice – space is the best medicine?? I really don’t know what to say…YOU’RE a drama queen.

Maybe I’m not as good at the wisdom imparting as I thought. I think I’ll stop now.

It’s just as well, anyway, because Zirkle #3 shared with me an amazing blog that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying – not only in subject matter, but also re: the domepiece of its creator. There’s obscure…and then there’s morphing famous celebs with Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

Anne Hathaway + Steve Buscemi's eyes = nightmares 4 life

I am repulsed, yet I can’t look away. There are so many awesomely horrible ones…Heidi is a favorite,  and the Kardashians…here – have a gander: Chicks with Steve Buscemeyes.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

This is what I learned today

Posted by AllieB on January 6, 2011

Through various WordPress features I can see what phrases/words people search on Google or Bing or Yahoo or wherever that land them on Baxter Bark Twice. For those of you concerned about your privacy (K…), I can assure you that nothing beyond your search terms are divulged:

As you can see in the screen shot above, at some point in the last 17 hours some weirdo out in cyberspace entered the phrase “taco bell beef gun” into his search engine of choice and wound up at www.baxterbarktwice.com.

To the person who is looking for a taco bell beef gun: have fun being curious. However, if it helps, here’s the sour cream gun – maybe it’s not dissimilar to the beef gun…? Also, might I suggest going to the TB franchise on Northside Parkway near W. Paces Ferry – I’m sure the friendly folk there would be happy to help you find your beef gun.

credit: MPvZB

“…but you can imagine how wicked awesome the meat hose must be.”

I find it perturbing that BBT showed up in the search results for such a query. Perturbing…and kind of awesome.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

For the Outdoorsy Prostitute in all of us!

Posted by AllieB on December 9, 2010

Teva Stilettos.  I can’t think of anything that doesn’t make sense about a stiletto made by Teva. Never again will we say, as we launch out on an overnight hiking excursion, “I would be a lot more excited about this 30 mile trek if I could only trade out this pair of functional Merrell’s for a pair of high heeled sandals with the look and feel of a Teva.”

They’re nothing if not versatile – look at that: wear them as a sexy sandal, with a thick wool sock on a rocky trail, or, OR whilst wielding an unwieldy wheelbarrow.

source: thequickanddirty.com

Although, come to think of it, if there’s someone on your gift list about whom you always say, “What do you get the girl who has everything?” – these might be just that.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Make Someone Uncomfortable Day

Posted by AllieB on November 18, 2010

Fortunately, this is real. Tomorrow, November 19, is the 3rd Annual Make Someone Uncomfortable Day. I’m writing about it today so we all have time to prepare for what awkwardness we might inflict upon our nearest and dearest. There are many people I know whose sheer existence on the planet makes me uncomfortable, so they’re all set – for those of us with slightly more adroit social skillz, here are some ideas from the Facebook page devoted to this noteworthy occasion…(source: sf.funcheap.com, credit: Leila)

It seems that people are posting how they plan to celebrate MSUD on this FB page. The first one I saw distresses me greatly.

I’m going to breastfeed in public:-)

Unless it is Apocalypse Day, that is unacceptable.  Pardon my tirade, but BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC IS NOT, NOR WILL IT EVER BE, OKAY. I do not understand why people do not understand this. Sorry – next:

this is funny because tomorrow is also diversity day at our school

Ok, that made me feel uncomfortable….

when you go grocery shopping, instead of shopping from the shelves, start shopping from other peoples shopping carts while they are looking on the shelves. make sure you are in a busy aisle with people looking…

That’s actually kind of funny, and it also goes along nicely with my Grocery Store Shame.

If I had an extra $5k to drop, I would buy this large structured fur headdress because it obviously makes people uncomfortable – both wearer and viewer, apparently. I seriously have not stopped laughing since Bailey sent it to me earlier. What the WHAT is that thing!?

from: SSENSE.COM

ATTN: Mary Cath – given your low threshold for awkwardness, perhaps you should consider staying home. Pal – you could probably be the face of Make Someone Uncomfortable Day – I’ll see if I can nominate you or something. Buff – if you’re looking for an idea as to how you might make people feel awkward, consider doing a split in public; it worked like a charm last Saturday. Leila – it is fitting on many, many levels that you are the one who informed us of MSUD. Thank you for being you.

BOLO for bumbling, bungling encounters…!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

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