Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘questionable’

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The one where a stranger took a picture of me sleeping

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2013

Hello, let’s jump right in. Today I share with you the pluses and minuses of public transportation. Please don’t stop before you begin, I promise it’ll be worth your while…

MINUS – like, minus to infinity: I had a work thing in the DC/Maryland area this week, and I like trains so I decided to take the Acela instead of flying. The Acela is my new favorite method of transport: it is a fast train that stops in only a few cities, and it has comfy seats and lots of leg room and there’s none of the security hoopla of airports. I went down Monday night and returned Wednesday morning on the 7AM train. My 5AM wake up call was entirely unwelcome: I already felt like I’d lived a week of two Mondays, two Tuesdays, and I was waking up to my second Wednesday – I was exhausted. The train ride from DC to NYC is 2 hours and 45 minutes, and I slept HARD, like hardcore R.E.M. sleep from Baltimore to Philadelphia, which is about 1.5 hours. I woke up as we got close to Philly very disoriented and confused…and then…THIS:

“Um, excuse me?” The guy next to me cleared his throat.

I turned to him and he continued, “So, I have something to show you, and before you think I’m really creepy – I swear I’m not – it’s just…well, here,” as he pulls out his phone, “I took a picture of you sleeping.”

“You – wait … WHAT?!?!?” It took me about 3 seconds to process this (if you count out 3 seconds Mississippi-ly that’s a long time to process a thought), and once it hit me I was not happy.

“Yeah – stop, don’t look at me like that – you sleep really…I guess I’ve never seen anyone sleep like that before. You were, just, getting after it. I wanted to tell my friends about it but I didn’t think they’d believe me, so I took a picture…then I felt bad about sending it, so I decided I’d show you before I sent it to anyone and let you decide if I could share it.”

He handed me his phone. Suffice it to say…it wasn’t good. My head was lolled back on my shoulders, mouth gaping open, eyes pretty much wide open and staring right at him (I sleep with  my eyes open – have we talked about that?) and hair a veritable rat’s nest around my dome. “Plus,” he said, ever so helpfully, “your head kept doing that thing where it falls forward and then snaps back…aw man, I should have taken a video!”

Sweet. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to delete that,” I told him, “delete that right now.” My level of kiddingness was neg.

“OK…I get that. Here, done, DELETE.” He was sad to see it go, but he probably already sent it to his buddies anyway and the part about letting me decide was a bunch o baloney – I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then he added, “But I guess I also took it because I thought you should know how you sleep…”

I assured him that he was definitely not the first person to take a picture of me sleeping, but was absolutely the first stranger who had, and he goes, “Ha, that you know of….”

At this point all I could do was laugh. He didn’t seem like a weird creep (and I don’t give people much benefit of the doubt when I’m assessing weird creepiness), he was definitely somewhat PLU, around my age, not heinous…hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself… Then we pulled up to Philly and he got off. The end.

(Author’s note: I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to include a pic of me sleeping – obviously not the one he took, but I wasn’t lying when I said that others had snapped pics of me in medias slumber. I decided that, given all the weird crap going on right now we could all use some cheering up..so…here. Bus – me – under it.)

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

Here’s my takeaway: are there any classes that teach people how to sleep normal? I bet there are – there’s a class for just about everything in NYC. I do usually sleep with an eye mask, which helps with the eyes-open issue…but, as we all now know, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

gratutitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my 'hood

gratuitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my ‘hood

PLUS!: AM New York, a free newspaper up here, distributes their paper via paper people who stand at subway entrances, passing them out as people walk by. You’ll find a wide array of paper people: some are surly and just hold them out, silently; some are shouting about deals/coupons in that day’s edition; and others are less focused on giving away papers, but engaging with passer-bys. Normally, no gracias – leave me alone – but there is a woman who stands on the landing at the Bryant Park/42nd Street station at the corner of 42nd and 5th, where I emerge from subway to city every morning, and she is maybe my favorite human in NY.

“Alright, girl – it’s another beautiful day out there! Let me see you smile, oh yeah, there it is! Look at that smile! You go, girl, you’re gonna be great today, just keep smilin’…”

Each morning as I climb up the stairs, regardless of my disposition or mood, I cannot help but break into a huge, goofy smile, and I feel so silly about it I start laughing to myself. So, basically, because of this woman, I start each day laughing outloud. I believe that my overall quality of life has been improved since I began seeing her every day.

Cheesiness factor: high. I care not, you’d all be so lucky to have this gem of a person in your life.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank you all for your concerned texts/calls/emails/gchats about my sister, Charlotte, who ran the Boston Marathon on Monday. She was very close to the explosions, but she had her phone with her (many hadn’t had a chance to retrieve between finishing/running race and the blasts) so she was able to let us know right away that she was fine and safe and kept us posted as to her location, etc. It’s such a horrible tragedy on so many levels, but I really do appreciate the social media focus on the inherent good in people that shows itself in situations such as this. I also really appreciate these five golden retrievers – “comfort dogs” – who are part of the K-9 Lutheran Parish in Boston and trained specifically to provide emotional support.

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and not enjoying a minute of it

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and hating every second of it

BBT sends thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by Boston, the Texas explosion, or any of the other unpleasantness going on right now. XOXO….and TGIT

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Why don’t you have a seat, Encyclopedia Brown

Posted by AllieB on September 7, 2011

Oh, hello. Time for some Q & A.

Are the Dawgs going to disappoint us all season?

I don’t know, but Saturday sucked. Royally. And the uniforms of both teams were eye sores – let’s keep the fashion statements off the field, shall we boys, and I won’t try to discuss a topic about which I know nothing. Next question.

Is it time for an eggtervention?

Yes. I love eggs. I just made an accidental and surprisingly healthy french toast by putting slightly runny scrambled eggs on a bagel round then going on a fit of tidiness and cleaning my kitchen. By the time I got to my breakfast, I had a borderline french toast situation that was a-mah-zing. If I talk about this anymore I will lose 99% of my readers (Mom, you’ll still read, right? You love eggs!), so, self – consider this an intervention. INTERVENED.

Does the phrase, “clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife” have new meaning?

Unfortunately. It’s the Billy Joel lyric that the sad-and-getting-sadder Lindsay Lohan tattoed on herself. She might as well have gotten, “I am begging you, please do not take me seriously” inked on her torso and called it a day. Or maybe, to keep things short and sweet, a simple “hot mess.” I’m going to stop talking about her, it’s just too pathetic.

Is writing BBT sometimes a pain?

Pass.

What restaurants have you been to recently of which you are especially fond?

One Eared Stag in Inman Park. I went with BP to a swanky cocktail thing there a few weeks ago. Like: bar treats are not your standard bowls of nuts, but mason jars of cured bacon. Like: their Moscow Mules. Like: they had lard. I have a special fondness for all places that offer lard on their charcuterie plate. It’s got a very cool yet chill ambiance, and – AND – perhaps the best thing of all: it is directly across from the Marta station. I’m not sure which one, but how’s that for convenient!

Also, all things in the Westside Provisions District. I dined with Pants and Pal at Taqueria del Sol yesterday, then we continued our binge at Star Provisions. I want to live in Star Provisions. And I want to dress my non-existent child in things exclusively from B. Braithwaite. And myself in things from Anthro and Ann Mashburn. Christiane Celle, founder of Calypso clothing was in Atlanta recently on a scouting trip and she – the taste maker herself – declared the Westside to be a very “chic” neighborhood.

Remarkable: my crap Blackberry camera makes even Star Provisions look unappetizing. Also not helping: Sister and Allison’s mauling of the treats.

Molly, I think you’re very wise to suggest my B’berry to shoot our Bootlegz post. Molly is the founder of Bootlegz – you can read all about them here and BOLO for our upcoming post. This pleasantly fall-esque weather reminds us that fall is around the corner…! I.E., time to purchase an accessory that ensures our jeans stay put beneath our boots. More on that later.

Just to highlight the difference between my camera and, say, an iphone – enjoy this dramatic image I swiped from BP’s instagram images. My life is sad.

The skies are angry!

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Our country tis of dunce

Posted by AllieB on July 7, 2011

America is 100% the best country in which to live. Watching the fireworks on Monday night, I couldn’t help but be filled with pride, patriotism, and pure love for all things USA. When the crowd around us started cheering during the cacophonous finale, I felt my eyes start to well up a little….God Bless America. In that same vein, America’s Team is dominating – GO BRAVES! (The Braves will always be America’s Team in my book…)

That said, we have our failures. I get that Casey Anthony can’t serve life in jail just because it’s obvious that she’s a murderous Tot Mom – there has to be evidence and blah blah and whatever, you can’t go around putting people in jail based on common sense, but I don’t have to like it.

BBT’s favorite author, Bill Bryson, has detailed a dissimilar yet nevertheless alarming compilation of ways in which America fails – specifically, the failures of its citizens. I share with you below excerpts of an article entitled, “Well, Doctor, I was just trying to lie down…” that I finally found in full text on the internet. (I’ve been goog’ing the damn thing for over a year, and I finally got my search query right because I FOUND IT. It was the best day…)

Here’s a fact for you: According to the latest Statistical Abstract of the United States, every year more than 400,000 Americans suffer injuries involving beds, mattresses, or pillows. Think about that for a minute. That is almost 2,000 bed, mattress, or pillow injuries a day. In the time it takes you to read this article, fourof my fellow citizens will somehow manage to be wounded by their bedding.
 
Consider this intriguing fact: Almost 50,000 people in the United States are injured each year by pencils, pens, and other desk accessories. How do they do it? I have spent many long hours seated at desks where I would have greeted almost any kind of injury as a welcome diversion, but never once have I come close to achieving actual bodily harm.
 
So I ask again: How do they do it?… In 1992 (the latest year for which figures are available) more than 400,000 people in the United States were injured by chairs, sofas, and sofa beds. What are we to make of this?… Have we become exceptionally careless sitters? What is certain is that the problem is worsening. The number of chair, sofa, and sofa bed injuries showed an increase of 30,000 over the previous year, which is quite a worrying trend even for those of us who are frankly fearless with regard to soft furnishings. (That may, of course, be the nub of the problem-overconfidence.)

I will never find that not funny…Clearly I’m still on vacation, but I wanted to keep up the momentum.

Two VERY important pieces of information re: BBT’s peeps:

1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MCL!!! I can’t wait to see you in tha A in a couple of weeks. I am tempted to put up the photo of you straggling up the beach in 2k5, but I’m not that mean…nor will I link to your ramen recipe. Instead I’ll just give you an awkward hug via the interweb, and an even more awkward one in person.

2. TINA IS ENGAGED!!!! Oh, happy day. This is my new favorite photo ever, in the history of all photos. LURVE.

 

 

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FREE NONNIE

Posted by AllieB on May 25, 2011

Elizabeth Shue, Christina Applegate and I have had some crazy times in child tending.

I should preface by saying: I don’t necessarily love to babysit. I like kids – I love kids! – but I like them better when I’m not in charge. I’ll tell you, it’s this hard-to-get mentality that makes them so fond of me…they can sense my disinterest, thus I’m the immediate go-to for games/fort building/freeze tag, etc. Maybe this hard-to-get thing isn’t a myth…??

I digress. The reason I bring this is up is that I’ve been chatting with my sister and Lacy and Skin and others recently about the pros and cons of taking care of other people’s children, and a certain story came to mind…

I had a weekly babysitting job every Tuesday. There was a Mom and a Dad and two trouble-making boys. Seriously, HUGE troublemakers….every week, the rents would go to Bible study and I’d watch over Christopher and Patrick and the basically dead cat, Maggie (this cat would occasionally let out a wail akin to Michael Finnegan’s last breath – terrifying).

One evening, about 6 weeks into the gig, a grandmother appeared from behind a door that I had never noticed, much less opened. Oh yes, it was their Nonnie. Nonnie had been LIVING IN THE BASEMENT for “years and years,” and no one ever told me about it. I mean I’m here like 3.5 hrs every week, and no one thought to mention the elderly person living downstairs. What if there was an emergency? What if she fell down and couldn’t get up? These are legit scenarios that I ought to be prepared for…

She did seem very nice and wasn’t at all offended by the legitimate scream with which I greeted her upon entering the living room where I was innocently watching my second favorite CW show at the time, Privileged. (That Joanna Garcia just can’t get a break, can she – she may have peaked with Reba.) She apologized for disturbing me, got herself a glass of water, and retreated downstairs…I was quite shocked – it just would’ve been nice to know about her existence, is all.

The parents got home and were very apologetic, but totally in the wrong way: “We’re SO SORRY, did she bother you?? We told her to STAY DOWNSTAIRS.” I’m a little scared that Nonnie was punished for daring to venture beyond her…prison? I don’t know. People are weird – this is why I prefer pet-sitting to people-sitting…dogs might be crazy, but it’s usually in a very endearing way…case in point: Missy Baxter. (credit: Family BBM Chat)

So, that happened…

My girl crush on Kate is more out of control than ever: how fetchingly glorious does she look at this meet & greet with President and First Lady Obama?! I guess spending 10 days in the Seychelles does wonders for one’s tan/hair/overall amazingness.

Source: NYMag

Dani – this is why I prefer to keep my posts short…but I did it for you :)

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Back to my roots

Posted by AllieB on May 11, 2011

I felt a bit exposed yesterday with all that talk about…you know…so today I revisit one of the founding fathers of BBT, a key component of its basic principles: celebrity fails.

Tara Reid…come on down!!!

The UK news source, Mail Online, reported:

According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

You know it’s time to call it a night when…your tooth falls out on the dance floor, and, upon finding it, you don’t even go brush it in the Ladies’ Room but instead whip out your handy tooth glue, smear some on, pop the thing back in, and keep dancing. I am not an overly anal person when it comes to the Five Second Rule and have been known to take sips of stranger’s drinks (and then meet said person later and say, “nice to meet you, we’ve swapped saliva” – why do I do that to myself.), but this…this is not okay.

She looks like a hot steaming mess of hotmess.

This will unlikely intrigue my male readers, but whatevs – can’t win ’em all. Go look at Boobs Legsly or something…anyway, my favorite blog about random crap that I never see anyplace else on the internet, The Hairpin, has recently revealed What Your American Girl Doll Says About the Rest of Your Life. I, of course, had Samantha, like anyone who is anyone did. My personality profile is, therefore:

Did you know, when you picked her out, that Samantha was the cool one? Duh. . . every girl wanted a Samantha. If you owned her, you quickly learned the value of cachet.

By virtue of acquiring a status symbol early on (a Samantha doll was the designer jeans of third grade), you never quite had to worry about things the way other girls did. You therefore grew up to be confidant, capable, and nonplussed. You’ve always been well liked. You aren’t the funniest in your group, but you’ve never really noticed or cared. It’s true, I’m very breezy. If you thought about it, you could probably recognize other women who had Samanthas. But that’s not that impressive: everybody can.

The link above details the rest of them, but, as a Samantha-owner, I don’t particularly care to share them – do that on your own time. I will say: I’m impressed.

Speaking of my roots, JBax aka Baxter Bark Thrice, graduated this past weekend. The 12 lbs of rope she has slung around her neck are indicative of the minimal effort and lack of involvement she maintained during her college days, and she was also definitely not elected Homecoming Queen. <sense the tone>

The ropes = awards and honors, in case you didn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I’m so proud :)

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

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