Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘on notice’

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People I Want to Punch in the Face

Posted by AllieB on August 16, 2012

Want: unlike the rest of the free world, I enjoy physically writing down my to-do lists as opposed to keeping track of tasks electronically. My reasons are twofold: first, it’s still way more satisfying to cross things off manually then check a little box on my Wunderlist app, and, second, I am continually amazed at how horrible my handwriting is, and it entertains me to see it degenerate with each passing day. A nice bonus of the latter is that sometimes I cannot read items on my list, therefore I cannot fault myself when they do not get done. Admittedly, a con is people getting a hold of these lists…but I found these highly personalizeable agenda/to-do books online, and I must purchase:

Before/After

May Books – choose from like a zillion patterns/colors/monograms – you can even choose what’s on the inside, you can even choose a “Bump Book” wherein you can paste pictures of your sonogram. I am fine with this because maybe if you are putting your sonogram in your Bump Book, you are not putting it on Facebook. Okay, retract…..I’m going to talk about this – I really don’t want to offend anyone, so please read carefully: I enjoy seeing/tracking baby progress of people I know and love; unfortunately I have, like, 2000 friends on Facebook (humble brag!) therefore am learning a LOT more information about people I vaguely knew in 2005 than I’d really prefer. However, isn’t it my fault for not tidying up my friend list? I’m sure the girl I sold ads with at the Red and Black has lots of friends who have a vested interest in her trimesters; it just isn’t me. But instead of berating her for daring to keep her loved ones informed, maybe it is beholden to me to take action. Facebook has become a highly public information-sharing arena – few people really understand the privacy settings, and I’m guessing many don’t even realize just how much info they’re actually putting out there. If you’re that offended, quit. There, I addressed the baby/Facebook issue. May it never be mentioned again. The people bitching are becoming just as obnoxious as the people about whom they are bitching. Besides, you do realize you can choose who does/doesn’t appear in your mini-feed…if you don’t want to see the stuff, simply remove the culprit. Or block them. No, blocking is stupid – just take a second and change your filters. Truly, it’s not rocket science.

And I thought I was just talking about monogrammed to-do lists?? That kind of went awry…

Moving along! I am getting very VERY excited about my imminent move to New York. Even watching the tourists in matching, ill-fitting, way-too-tight-around-the-neck orange t-shirts go bananas in the plaza of Studio 1-A in Rockefeller Center on the Today Show gets me excited. I might even do that one day. Who knows?! As Sister has pointed out, I think I’m really going to enjoy to anonymity of NYC…just me and my horrible sense of direction wandering around the city…which reminds me, I’m definitely going to need another phone charger to carry around on my person so I am never without gps and/or enough battery life to call Sister and leave her phone messages of me sneezing. I have a really loud sneeze.

Case in point: page two of notes from my meeting earlier this week with Emily about w.port…we were planning her grand opening event.

Don’t worry, Emily, I’ve got the invites under control. Seriously, I can read this just fine – I blurred the pic on purpose…you know, for effect.

BTW – I don’t really have a list of people I want to punch in the face. That’s a bit aggressive…I keep track of that stuff right up here {slow tap to my temple topper} – as if I’d be foolish enough to write names down.

PS – speaking of the R&B, I trust y’all saw that horrific column, “How to find that perfect husband in college” – I’ll tell you who won’t be guest-blogging on BBT: that girl. Vom to tha max. I wonder if she wrote that nonsense on purpose, going so over the top as to put herself on the map…if so, kudos, especially since she’s not even that good of a writer. BURN.

Thirsty Thursdizzle!

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 9 Comments »

I’ve sat here for 10 minutes and cannot think of a title

Posted by AllieB on April 25, 2012

Like: the most recent ad by Google Chrome wherein a man uses all of Google’s nifty apps to win back the one who got away. Before you scoff at my lameness and scroll down to the next paragraph, PLEASE take a look. You know how rarely I do videos on BBT… I truly wish the best to Mark Potter. Re: needing sound – the music adds to the overall effect, but I guess it’s not 100% mandatory:

I take it back, you need sound.

Dislike*: I was very, very wrong about “Don’t Trust the B*tch in Apartment 23”. It was NOT good. Dawson Leary was pretty funny, but I think he only seemed funny in comparison to the heinosity (yes, heinosity) of the other storylines/characters. Skip. Deactivate the season record. Do not want.

*What a testament to my ever-present optimism: that a TV show is the only thing I dislike right now. Even I am inspired by my sunny outlook on life.

**Retract. Between that last line and this one I realized I very much dislike how I pale I am, that it is somehow only Wednesday, and that I am very dissatisfied with everything in my closet.

On Notice/That Is Whack: I am shocked – shocked – that I am still writing about this: that in the time I began questioning her pregnancy, I have changed jobs, quit writing BBT for 2 months, gone to the moon, and finally figured out what happened to Amelia Earhart (we’ll get to that in my next post)…..and yet, she is STILL pregnant. HOW?!? I’m not kidding, I actually need someone to answer this question. I’ve come to the conclusion that JSimps is not a human, but either a giraffe – giraffes carry their young for 15 months or an elephant – they carry their babies for 22 months.

I think this answers that.

Honestly, I don’t even enjoy making fun of her anymore – the material has gone stale…I’m guessing y’all are feeling similarly. I’m no doctor, but might it be time to induce this thing..?

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS TO LeBOOF and LEILA!!! Welcome to your late twenties.

Have a wonderful Wednesday. I mean that sincerely, without any irony.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

YOU are very creepy

Posted by AllieB on October 20, 2011

You know what makes me uncomfortable? Besides the obvious responses of close-talking, Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance, and really really really – like, really – short people, the thing that makes me most uncomfortable is the COMMENTS section on large-scale websites. Take NYMag, for instance. Their Fashion segment, The Cut, posted a picture of Jennifer Aniston at some event recently in some very short low-cut shiny dress. She looked great (pregs???), but great. It commented on the labels she sported and that was about it….but then…the comments.

MAGSTOCK: If she was pregnant, her boobs wouldn’t be so empty and lo. Pregnancy makes your boobs round, full and beautiful. Not what she has there..

QUALITO: She looks like a aging mother of three, who’s lost all her money at the Vegas casinos, so she finds the nearest Filene’s Basement or Ross For Less, and buys the cheapest low-cut outfit she can find and then hits the lounge at the MGM Grand. No need for bra or panties. They’ll just get in the way of business.

REMAINING_ANONYMOUS: Short OR low-cut, not both. The dress would be much better IMHO with a boat neckline and if she stood with her arms in such a position that would highlight the dolman sleeves.

Join me in my discomfort, won’t you? These are but three of 33 comments – most of them snarky, judgmental, and straight up creepy. Who ARE these people??? I imagine that at least 100% of them live in their parents’ basement and are actively involved in local Cuddle Parties. SNL did a skit this fall aptly named The Comments Section where they brought three homely and socially awkward people on stage, exposed their blogging comments, and then sucker punched them all in the stomach. Ha.

Fortunately, despite rising in the WWW ranks from 9,623,940 to 6,176,867 in the last week (holla), BBT doesn’t get many weird ass comments. One person got really mad at me for making fun of Hilary Duff’s novel – really? – but besides that, nada. This is good, given how uncomfortable they make me.

THURSDAY! It’s f’ing cold, but at least it’s Thursday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!!! And to P, but I’m guessing P doesn’t hit up BBT all that much. Tonight we’re going bowling to celebrate, and I’m very excited because I LOVE bowling and am really good at it about 1 out of every 3 times. I have very fond memories of the bowling league of 2k6. Baberham Lincoln was our team name. Questionable. Don’t forget socks!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Amanda Knox was up to no good; get me a shot of snake juice

Posted by AllieB on October 5, 2011

Let’s talk about current events. Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox was acquitted for murder in Perugia, Italy this week and is now back at home in Seattle. She and her manfriend, Rafaelle, along with a third guy, Rudy, were charged with murdering her roommate, but the court has overturned the verdict and now she’s free. Et cetera.

There are few issues here:

-never have a manfriend named Rafaelle – things will always end poorly

-whether or not Amanda actually killed her roommate, she was obviously mixed up in some uncouth activity over there. It’s like when UsWeekly publishes a “THEY’RE BROKEN UP” story and it’s immediately refuted but then weeks or months later they confirm that it actually was true. People are getting their information somewhere, and rumors are almost always based on truth. Things can obviously can get blown out of proportion, but something is amiss here…if I were Foxy Knoxy’s mom I’d be all, “Welcome home, sweetie!” and, “Yay you’re acquitted!” and then after a couple of weeks I’d be like, “Wait, what the crap were you doing over there that you got charged with slicing your roommate’s throat??” Ya know??? Just sayin – she’s kind of a creep.

-she’s going to have a very hard time finding a new roommate

I’m no Leila Ann/Nancy Grace, and I get tired of researching facts so forgive me if I’ve left out something important. I tried to be vague.

Last night I enjoyed good company, mediocre wine, thin crust ‘za and a most delicious salad with Sedge, Dani, and YKenna. I really enjoyed that salad. It was spinach leaves, goat cheese, craisins, pears, red onion, and this dressing. Tasty!

I LOVE RON SWANSON. Images courtesy of this GIF compilation.

To do: the Futurebirds are opening for Panic this weekend at the Verizon Amphitheater. Are you familiar with the Futurebirds? They’re awesome.

Ok, one more. I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

What the crap!

Posted by AllieB on August 9, 2011

WTC! In Paris they now have 24-hour vending machines that dispense piping hot, freshly baked baguettes. I want to go to there!! If only they’d gotten their act together a year ago. I’ve been reliving our trip to France all week by way of photographs – minus the dead lady on the plane ride over (total downer), it was a perfect vacation…hindsight 20/20, right? In true Fat American fashion, Al Roker remarked: “They need one of those over here that has donuts instead of baguettes…” Good call, Al – just what we need, another champion for America’s obesity…especially from someone who’s actually already had gastric bypass surgery. I’m really down on the Today show right now, yet haven’t been able to pull the trigger on GMA…six in one, half dozen in the other.

4-wheelers that went up to like 50 MPH – that’s fast, right? They went really fast. Ode to Georgia Bar. (My t-shirt is a GA Bar t-shirt.)

Ok. This is the type of information that I would maybe tell my friends after I’ve been doing it for awhile … truth bomb: sometimes I sit on relevant information before sharing it with my peers. Of course, everyone could have known about this all along, making me moron who thinks she’s got a piece of groundbreaking information. Anyway, without further ado: I’ve been reading this blog written by Victoria’s Secret model Chrissy Teigen. I know…she’s dating John Legend and is actually pretty hilarious…she’s kind of a nut -I think we’d get along nicely. I follow her on Twitter, too. Anyway, I she imparted some very valuable wisdom in her post, “Ugh, alcohol:”

*fact: most fashion industry people that are watching their weight (so everyone) drink vodka/club soda splash of lime. Even lighter. Get Goose. Potato vodkas are a no no. This is my drink of choice lately. Kind of tastes like ass, and trust me, I can’t wait for swimsuit modeling season to go away. I miss the cold Christmas shopping days where I fill a to-go cup with coffee halfway and pour Bailey’s in the rest. Then I hit the city, shop, and completely forget what I ended up buying anyone until I get the thank you cards. It’s fun.

Minus the part about swimsuit modeling season :|, I really appreciate this whole excerpt. And I’m glad to know I no longer have to buy all my Christmas gifts online – her plan sounds pretty awesome. Anyway, this part about Grey Goose only was very interesting to me – it’s made with wheat in France. You know how no one in France is fat??? Oh wow, this is really coming full circle…baguettes from Paris, vodka from France…I never tie things together so nicely. Horn: tooted! And now I really, really want to go back to France.

Sisters in Paris. Notably absent: hot, fresh baguettes from nearby vending machine

On notice: Betches Love This Site. It’s become an internet sensation and I hate it. I don’t even really want to link to it because they get plenty of fraffic as is, but…whatever, here it is. They started it in February and have 35,000+ followers on Twitter and apparently have a movie deal. WTF! They cuss too much – it’s very crass. However, they write anonymously which is I figure how they get away with some of the stuff they say…I mean, I guess they’re entertaining – I feel like they appeal to a slightly younger (read: college-age) demographic – one comprised of srat sistas who love to flip their hair and squeal. I cannot stand shrill, high-pitched people. I think the Betches and I can just agree to disagree…unless they’re looking for staff writers, in which case I may or may not be available.

WHAT THE CRAP HAPPENED TO SINEAD O’CONNOR.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

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