Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘on notice’

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An Open Letter to the Internet

Posted by AllieB on November 13, 2014

I am mad at the internet. Between Taylor Swift’s new album and Kim Kardashian’s oily photo shoot, I am actually feeling feelings of legit anger. I am  unwittingly in the know about every single moment of Taylor’s life and am somehow now intimately acquainted Kim’s nether regions. I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW OR SEE ANY OF THAT. The over-exposure and inexhaustible self-promotion of these two women and their “art” really bothers me. I don’t follow Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian on any form of social media, but they are unavoidable – from TIME Magazine to every single pop culture news outlet – and I want out. What’s more: I want the option to opt out. I feel like the internet has taken away my right to choose.

That said, I’m also a little mad at Taylor Swift. Promoting a new album is a musician’s job. You give interviews, you go on tour, you give free shows on morning news programs and appear on magazine covers. You tweet and you post on Instagram and you get your fans excited. Taylor Swift invited fans TO HER HOUSE for cookies. Taylor Swift inked a deal with the CITY OF NEW YORK to be its global ambassador even though she moved here in March. March of 2014. Speaking of, I’d like to note that Taylor Swift’s New York is that of the .0000007% and bless the tweens from Middle America who think their TriBeCa loft and black SUVs are but a Greyhound ride away. And although the entire music industry has imbibed the kool-aid served up at Taylor ‘s house parties, giving her album 5 star reviews across the board, I can’t bring myself to listen to a single song or watch the new music video that’s getting all the hype – I won’t even link you to it, I am standing strong!

And I’m always mad at Kim Kardashian. I think KimK is actually a robot and definitely has butt implants and is dead inside and I’m sure is very nice but only because she was programmed that way and her motherboard can only handle a very limited range of emotion. She is what’s wrong with everything that is going wrong.

While I do take issue with both Taylor and Kim personally - clearly - I am more more frustrated with the bigger picture. The ebola frenzy of recent weeks really annoyed me, too, but even coverage of that has waned significantly. And I’m not some highbrow consumer – believe you me, I’d much rather click thru on an article about 17 tips for getting ready after a sweaty workout-minus the shower over one about Vladimir Putin and something about the Ukraine, but that is my choice. The obsessive and ceaseless nature of documenting and reporting Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian has forcibly burdened me with information I did not want or seek out, and therein lies my main issue. I also recognize that resistance against these two is futile – case in point: I am writing about them right now – and it’s clear to me I have but one option: I must move to Appalachia. The End.

—

OK I feel much better, and I don’t even feel bad because I know that TSwizz would just Shake It Off saying “Hater’s gonna hate!” while cashing a check for gazillion dollars, and KimK can’t feel anything stronger than “slightly perturbed” so no harm, no foul.

I do realize the irony of a tirade against the internet…on the internet…but no one stopped to listen when I set up my soap box in Bryant Park.

My apologies to MelBoo and KReav for this outcry against Taylor Swift, but you’ve gotta tell your girl to pipe down.

What’s for lunch?

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Not Cool, Bro

Posted by AllieB on February 27, 2014

Hello! Let’s jump right in. For you today I’ve compiled a list of what’s tickling my fancy, what makes me very angry, and then two things about which I am ambivalent. It’s a little newsworthy, oddly heavy on tunes, and now I’m hungry. Guys, I’m in a great mood – join me, won’t you?

Right Up My Alley:

  • Taco Bell for the WIN:

taco bell waffle taco

  • I watched the first episode of True Detective real time back in January, and I was like nope, do not want. But then I kept seeing all this internet chatter about it and I knew I had to try try again. Mission: accomplished – as of Sunday I’m all caught up and am waiting with breath that is bated for the final two episodes. WHO IS THE YELLOW KING. Also, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are badasses – I think both of them are doing some of their very best work.

ben and jerrys core

  • I’ve become more than a little obsessed with my skincare regimen and have spent a lot of money time and money effort trying to figure out what works best for moi. I’m not yet prepared to endorse any products as they’re still in the testing phase (I’m trying to track changes like they do in magazine ads) but there is one item I can share. I am #blessed not to have pimple-prone skin, but blemishes can happen to anyone…next time you wake up to a red terror, take action with EradiKate Treatment by Kate Somerville. You just dab a teeny little bit on the spot a couple times throughout the day and it will be significantly smaller, if not gone completely, in 12 hours. Seriously. This is good stuff.
  • I don’t know what’s going on here, but my fancies are definitely tickled – this mini pony’s all, “hey man, check out my fairisle knit sweater” (CKB)

fairisle friend

  • The Oscars are Sunday. I am excited about: Ellen as host; what Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, and Naomi Watts will be wearing; Jared Leto – LOTS of Jared Leto, please; and counting the pile of money I’ll get when my bracket wins out in the Oscar pool. 
  • BBT’s Throwback Music Video of the Week (also a thing): November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I know we’ve all seen it, but you need to see it again.  I’ve recently added this to my “Walkin” playlist, and it was all I could do to not take out my air guitar in Whole Foods the other night. Just kidding, I don’t play the air guitar. But it’s SO good, and they don’t make music videos like that anymore…I’m looking at you, Kimye.

Not Cool, Bro: 

  • You know what you did.

my will to live 2_Page_1

This might be teeny bit dramatic.

On Notice:

  • Bitcoin. WTF is Bitcoin?
  • A flask bracelet by Cynthia Rowley. A hip flask is an old school tradition – I mean, it’s probably not always appropriate, but they’ve been around forever and your grandfather probably has one. Plus,  it’s not like you’re not walking around masquerading your hidden booze as a piece of jewelry, ya know? Although, this thing on Gameday could be genius…hmm…I think if I were in college I might consider it, but anyone out of school for more than 5 years – might be time to ask yourself if everything’s all right.

cynthia rowley flask bracelet

Love a good listicle.

In other news:

This map shows each state’s favorite band, measured using a method I don’t entirely understand. Full disclosure: I had to Google Georgia’s favorite band…though that should surprise no one. Ohio’s favorite is somewhat ironic, no?

favorite band by state

What Does Your Favorite Athens Bar Say About You? – this is seriously flawed. I haven’t heard of many and really beg to differ on a few others…

Flanagan’s – you’re a socialite

If you came downtown hoping to “run into” your ex, you’ll be posted up at Flan’s. He’s here. Everyone’s here.

The passage of time allows for some changes, I realize, but no. Just – no. Also, the phrase posted up at Flan’s makes me want to light this person on fire.

You’ll be pleased to know that I neither hugged nor sat on any unsuspecting strangers this week – that’s seven full days of keeping my hands/derriere to myself. Way to go, Allie.

Tomorrow is March 1. Fingers crossed for a spike in morale and overall will to live!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

HAPPY FEET

Posted by AllieB on May 17, 2013

Now that I’m staying put for awhile, I am really excited to participate in all that is NYC in the spring/summer/whatever season it is (do we still have seasons?) for it is glorious. It’s as though we’re all emerging from our seemingly decade-long winter cocoons, and reacquainting ourselves with the sun, other people, and being outside instead of inside. This city is just really beautiful, honestly, and, since this is my first spring up here, I am literally seeing the light for the first time.

bryant park

 There aren’t not filters, but still! It’s just so pretty. This is Bryant Park in Midtown, I work a block east so I spend some time here…and that is the New York Library, the famous one, where I also spend some time…

I do plan to do other things besides hang out in a park and library near my office – FOR INSTANCE on Saturday we are going to Brooklyn and hanging out in beer gardens, and then on Sunday I am going out to Westchester for a garden party – a catered one. That’s legit diversity right there. I shall bring my hipster self to BK and my WASP-y self to the ‘burbs. I’ve heretofore never met Hipster Allie, so that will be interesting…WASP-y Allie is around a lot – she’s the one not confronting things and maintaining the appearance of normalcy.

Celebs used to  be a common point of discussion on BBT, but lately – not so much. Given my lack of other things to talk about, let’s see what’s going on….

Kim K is the worst pregnant person ever, and I already really don’t like her – she’s so boring she’s not even fun to point and laugh at. Like, wear different shoes. So simple. When presented with a choice between ones that cut off your circulation betwixt cankle and foot and ones that don’t, ALWAYS GO WITH THE ONES THAT DON’T. I think she thought that the nude strap and clear thingy over her insole would elongate the leg. No. (Credit: Hilary. She also gets credit for the title – she’s not completely worthless afterall)

0515-kim-kardashian-julianne-moore-3

David Beckham is retiring…from soccer. OH yeah, he played soccer. Perhaps this will free him up to do some more…picture taking. Like this, maybe.

david beckham

I am seriously blushing right now.

And now for a celebrity that I actually know personally and consider an actual friend – next Thursday I’m going to the Stones Fest at Bowery Ballroom to see my buddy Parker Gispert, lead singer of The Whigs, play. Rock on.

Stones Fest FB banner

If you live in the area or will be around, join me,  won’t you? Other performers include Norah Jones, Patrick Carney of The Black Keys, Jason Isbell and many, many more, including some SURPRISE guests (says the site).

That’ll do for today. TGIF, y’all!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

ALRIGHT.

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha

kate-middleton-portrait

Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Survival of the Fittest

Posted by AllieB on November 6, 2012

Hey! Let’s do this.

It’s Election Day. I do not discuss politics on BBT, so this is more of just a friendly reminder – just in case you live in a hole or are not on Facebook. Go rock your vote.

Sandy was but a week ago, and we’re already bracing ourselves for another storm – a “blustery Nor’easter” they’re calling it. It is impossible to say “Nor’easter” without looking or sounding like a moron (seriously, say it and you’ll totes see what I mean), so in lieu of that word I will say “bad storm.” This bad storm will bring rain and wind and snow and why again did I move here?

 Oh yeah. That’s why.

Speaking of Sandy, it totally sucked. No power for three days is really bad for morale, especially since there were no subways. No subways -> sidewalk stampedes. I had more than one near death experience on my commute, from people rocket launching themselves off scaffolding to the B*TCH who shoved me into oncoming fraffic. Such atrocities brought out a heretofore unseen side of BBT: Commuter Allie. Commuter Allie kind of reminds me of The Hulk and I hope she never comes around again because that is not a good look for moi. It really was so manic.  Thank goodness for Wine Girl.

Were I to write a guide about survival (working title Survival: A Guide), I would be sure to mention the following:

1. Wine. Lots of it. Even if you think you have enough, you probably need more – it’s not like it goes bad, AND if the storm lasts a really long time you could sell it at a huge mark-up to those who were stupidly less prepared, or issue a steep IOU to be cashed in at a later date. (This is a survival guide, not a How to be a Pushover Handbook.)

2. A large stack of clean clothes. Seriously, if a storm is coming, get thee to a washing machine.

3. I should probably say water.

4. Scrabble.

5. Electronics with awesome battery power – my Kindle was the runaway champion of battery longevity, while my iPhone died after about three hours. The darkhorse hero was my work Blackberry, which lasted a full 12 hours longer than the iPhone…

6. Headlamps. Seriously, you’ll be a lot happier during a power outage if you’re hands-free.

7. Jordan’s homemade Pumpkin Cranberry Bread

8. The ability to laugh at how much whatever situation you’re in sucks*. If you can’t laugh, excuse yourself from the group because the last thing anyone needs when the going gets tough is a Debbie Downer. My survival guide has a very strict NO DD policy.

This has best-seller written all over it.

The Wedding of the Year betwixt Bill and Sister was awesome. Salud! Prost! I thought about sharing the transcript of my toast, but I lost my notes. I do know it began with, “Hi, my name is Allie Baxter” and it massively bombed, like really blew went uphill from there.

BBT and beautimous bride; first dance to Marry Me, Bill (tear); the most amazing groom’s cake there ever was: Casey WaWa made it after all…

I’m getting super excited for Christmas up here. Who’s coming to visit???

Georgia sports – both professional and collegiate – seem to be thriving in my absence. I am sure this is no coincidence, and you’re all very welcome. Sic ‘em and RISE UP.

And now for some literacy. It’s long but it’s worth it: Ken Follet’s Century Trilogy. I’m almost done with book #2, and, according to Goog, I have to wait until 2014 for #3. WTF. Ken Follet, expect a visit from Commuter Allie…if historical fiction is not up your alley, perhaps try this kind of twisted mystery by Shatter by Joseph O’Loughlin. I read about it in People mag a few weeks ago, so if you can’t take my word for it, you can take theirs. My subway/train rides are among the highlights of my day, thanks to my Kindle reader (courtesy of my very generous big sister, CKB).

It’s completely insane that it’s already November and Thanksgiving is a scant three weeks away. Where does the time go? Who knows where thoughts come from – they just appear. Have a great day and a great week. #clearheartsclearmindscantlose

*On a more serious note, while Hurricane Sandy was a walk inthe park for most of us, it was horrible for thousands of others. My sister, who’d been planning to run the marathon on Sunday before it was canceled, is now running one this weekend in efforts to raise money for those who were rendered homeless or hungry from the storm. Should you feel so inclined, follow this link to donate. Gracias.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

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