Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘I should probably be embarrassed’

« Previous Entries

GET A GRIP

Posted by AllieB on July 24, 2014

Hi and hello.

BBT is not a place for agenda pushing or controversial talk – I’m not here to stir the pot. I’m also not here to air all my dirty laundry (ew) or document every trivial moment: “Dear Diary, I just made my bed and watered the ficus”…but why not mix things up a little? Today I am heading into some uncharted territory: this post is as much for me as it is for anyone with internet access – which means to say: I’m getting personal. Yep, we’re diving headfirst into the deep end, so…hold onto your swimmies.

It’s real pretty to think that by the age of 31 I could be immune to how others perceive me, but I’ve realized that before I can wholly disregard the opinion of others there’s a more basic and fundamental idea that must first be considered: being comfortable in my own skin. Tantamount to achieving complete contentedness – which, to me, is the ultimate goal – being comfortable in your own skin is the holy grail of life accomplishments, one that I’m not entirely sure can be done in your 30’s, or your 60’s, or maybe ever.

I do think that with age comes thicker skin, as well as a zero tolerance policy for bullshit, the ability to see things how they really are, and I’ve finally accepted that I am the only person whose actions I can control and to worry about or obsess over other people’s choices/behavior is a spectacular waste of time and energy. But to be 100% a-ok with me, inside and out…that’d be neat.

Here’s how things work in my domepiece:

Scenario 1: Sometimes I feel like that others might judge – or on a bad day, pity – me because I am not married or even close, I’ve bounced around jobs and have only recently hit my stride in the corporate world, my apartment is not magazine-ready, and I often go 8 months between hair cuts…I’m not and may not ever be a person you’d describe as “put together”…I’ve been known to commit the not-so-occasional social blunder and when people come to stay with me my idea of cleaning is jamming things in drawers and hurling clothes in closets and hoping they don’t notice… (I DO provide clean sheets and towels and plenty of wine – I’m not disgusting.)

Scenario 2: I am killing it! I moved to New York and it was the best decision I’ve ever made; I make awesome steak tacos and a Garden & Gun worthy Tomato Pie; I’m very handy around the house and live just as easily with others as I do by myself…I’ve been lucky to travel all over the world, and I can wake up at 7:15 and be out the door at 7:25…I have an amazing family and friendships that I’m so sure of, I count them as family, too…I drove a minivan for 8 years and people still hung out with me – like I said: killing it!

When I review the two mindsets in tandem like that, it is easy for me to tell Whiny Allie (#1) to chill out because Cool Allie (#2) is doing juuuuust fine. Sorry I’m not sorry that I don’t have two bedside tables and Oscar Blandi dry shampoo is my most prized possession. This is me – take it or leave it. I hope that marriage and a family and a gazillion dogs are in my future, but these things – they cannot be forced.

One important thing to remember is that people really don’t care about what other people are doing. We are a universally selfish population, and for that I am thankful. We have too much going on in our lives to really think about what so-and-so is doing on a judgmental level – right?? I’m worried people are pitying me – but when have I spent even a second pitying someone for their life choices. I am laughing right now thinking about it. Isn’t it the darndest thing – that I can be such a champion of others yet so hard on myself. We should all just do ourselves a favor and GET A GRIP.

I’ve noticed that you can pretty much blame social media for anything these days, and I’d like to jump on that bandwagon. It seems to me that Pinterest is not so much about “collecting ideas for projects and interests” (per Wiki) as it is an aesthetically pleasing exhibit of all the things other people are doing better than you. I don’t think of it that way on a day to day basis – I’m in there pinning all kinds of stuff without wailing WOE IS ME – but when you take a step back and really mull it over…it’s actually quite rude.

Ok, I think that’s as deep as this well goes. The Man Repeller, an aptly named blog I wrote about in 2k11 that has since blown up into a full-fledged business, posted this week about confidence, and I’d like to share her flow-chart with you. I love a good flow-chart. Bottom line: we’re all a work in progress.

confidence-flow-chart-1

I’m trying not to overthink the oversharing that just went down…vulnerability is not my strong-suit.

Luckily I have a story that will get us back on track – speaking of social blunders….

Last night I did some yogging and some yeights in my office gym (I quit Equinox – F that noise) and was heading out around 8pm. I got in the elevator and saw a woman I used to work with. Sidebar: since I’ve been working out in the office gym more than one person has commented that I am “unrecognizable” during and post-workout because of my “ponytail” – and by ponytail they all mean the freakish red-face affliction from which I suffer after 20 minutes of physical activity. In this particular elevator situation, I figured my ponytail + red face saved me from interaction so I kept my head down and put my headphones in….and as I stepped out the woman I knew yelled, “Allie! Allie! I know that’s you!” Dammit.

“Yes, hi” I turned around to say hey

“Allie,” she said, grabbing my sweaty arm, “I’d like to introduce you to Sarah (aka Fergie), the Duchess of York.”

Of course you would. “Oh hi!” I managed, shaking her hand (of all times to NOT curtsy…)

“Oh my  – look at you! Please, please, go on ahead and – look at you! But yes, lovely meeting you….” Clearly the Duchess paid attention in her etiquette courses – Lesson 5: How to Handle Awkward Social Encounters with Awkwardly Sweaty People.

I just hope she doesn’t tell the OTHER Duchess, Duchess Kate, about our interaction…

so sweaty

yep

The End.

TGIT!!! BTW – BBT turned 4 on Monday…happy birthday and whoa. BBT is a kindergartner.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

There are no small victories: BBT by the numbers

Posted by AllieB on April 10, 2014

Minus 10 points for missing last week – I don’t even have a good excuse and it will probably happen again, but I’m here today which I’d say is a victory – and not a small one because there are no small victories. Lots of exciting stuff going on: instead of using a standard bullet format to organize my thoughts, I am breaking them down by the numbers. And if that’s not enticing enough, there’s a really cool surprise when you get to the end…

24: 24 hours til I’m poolside in the Panhandle.

3: Three different sales people Pretty Woman’ed me at Bergdorf’s on Monday. I ordered something from Neiman Marcus online, and I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like the idea of waiting 14 days for my refund (there’s no Neiman’s in NYC), so I gave Customer Service a call and learned I could return my item to Bergdorf’s. Awesome! B-dorf’s is 10 blocks from my office. Things got a lot less awesome upon arrival – I totally get now how lousy Julia Roberts-as-prostitute felt when she went to that store and those bitchy ladies wouldn’t help her.

Sidebar Rant: I think there’s a required seminar all these employees attend where they learn how to make you feel like crap. First and foremost: the signature Eye Rake – this move actually has the same effect as that machine in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids except it shrinks your soul.  Anyone who is not toting an ostrich Prada bag or hasn’t had at least four plastic surgery procedures is subject to the Eye Rake wherein the sales associate rakes their eyes up and down your person, pausing to raise a single brow at especially offensive attire or accessories, such as a pair of Tom’s. Once they’ve robbed you of all self-worth, the employee will purse their lips in a smirky duckface and then, with a hugely exaggerated roll of their eyes, might they deign to answer whatever question you dared ask.

Perhaps one day I’ll go back in carrying not one but three Prada ostrich bags having spruced myself up with a face, brow, eye, boob, AND butt lift, then glide around with my nose in the air waving wads of cash saying, “Big mistake, huge.” Yeah….yeah.

I digress. Someone finally told me where to return the stupid dress, and I got my dollaz back in 48 hours. Mission: accomplished.

2: I’ve made two tomato pies in the last two weeks. Have you heard of the tomato pie diet? It’s all the rage – little known fact: mayonnaise and flaky pie crust are actually power foods.

tomato pie

4: I recently bought a pack of classes to Barry’s Bootcamp aka Torture Chamber Where You Pay $$$$ To Be Yelled At Then Almost Vomit. I’ve gone to four of them. Four is also the number of days since I’ve been able to stand up or sit down without crying a little.

0: I have successfully walked into the Men’s room zero times this week! Two weeks ago I moved up several floors to a new office, and the layout is literally identical to where I was with one exception: the men’s room is where the women’s room was, and vice versa. While I feel really good about my literacy and ability to identify the universal signs for MALE and FEMALE, I still find myself walking towards the wrong door…

5: …and last week I actually did walk thru the wrong door. Five times :(

2011: back in August 2011 the PGA Championship was at the Atlanta Athletic Club. I went to an early round and discovered the physical specimen that is Adam Scott. I spent much of the day stalking tracking his progress and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt our “connection” – it was palpable. Adam definitely needs another green jacket. What a smokeshow.

BBT and Adam Scott

See something you like, Adam? I think he might be jealous of my traps #hoss #mustbetheangle

19: Valeria, the human Barbie, has a 19 inch waist and maintains her inhuman proportions by way of plastic surgery and subsisting on an “air and light” diet. She’s freaking me the EFF OUT. Read more about how cool and normal she is in this GQ article. (Credit: Hilary.)

human barbie valeria

That’s a real person.

39: 39 Things That Only Girls Growing Up in the 80’s Would Get. This gave me almost physical pangs of nostalgia…Caboodles! Lip Smackers! Side pony’s! I actually still like a side pony…(credit: A)

23: So this what they mean by “heaven on earth” – the Annual Lobster Rumble on June 5 in NYC showcases 23 lobster rolls from 23 restaurants across the US, and I, the event attendee, am tasked to taste them all and choose a winner. Holy sh*t. There goes my “one lobster roll per year” rule. That was a really dumb rule anyway.

I was lying about the cool surprise – thought I’d lose you when I started talking about my “standard bullet format.” Thanks for reading!

I’m PCB-bound for a calm and relaxing wedding weekend with only a couple friends – we’ll go to bed early and there will be no dancing, especially not to Mustang Sally.

Spring is here!!!! TGIT!

Bryant Park 1And one day, not too far from now, those trees might even grow some leaves…

 Take a minute and count your blessings today. I say that in all sincerity.

 

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

What Not To Do – Just In General, Vol XVII

Posted by AllieB on February 20, 2014

Hi! It’s still winter.

Few things are ever as they seem – especially thru the veil of social media. This is good to remember on, say, Valentine’s Day when Susie McSucksALot posts 10000 pictures of the sweet things her “main man” (CAN WE NOT) did for her. What Sus is not telling us is that last week her “Prince Charming” went to happy hour with his bros and somehow wound up in Vegas where he gambled away their life savings and was found in a compromising position with a burlesque showperson of an undetermined gender. Perhaps SusieQ needs to quit posting things on social media and focus on her relationship with this “dreamboat” – ya heard?

Besides, anyone can put things online and act like they’re real.

BBT and TomB

Some things, however, are exactly as they seem and allow for no alternative interpretations. Case in point: subway etiquette. There are no grey areas when it comes to protocol on the subterranean railway, and adherence to these rules is a very important part of living here. The rules are as follows: 1. avoid unnecessary contact, 2. don’t eat foods that require a utensil, and 3. silence is golden. I hope y’all know I would never eat a cup of yogurt on the subway or play the Les Mis soundtrack on full blast, but the first…well, I think you can guess where I’m going with this.

Re my daily commute: I take the 1 or the 2/3 trains home – they run on parallel tracks, the 1 is local, the 2/3 are express. If I am in the midst of a good book and feel like sitting, I take the local;  if I want full body contact with 5 strangers at a time and wish to get home in 8 minutes, I take the express.

Last night, I opted for the former. I stepped in the empty-ish car and honed in on the most prized seat: the one at the end of the row with empty seats beside it. There was a man sitting a few feet down, but he seemed fine where he was – headphones in, bobbing along to the song – I don’t think he even realized the train had stopped. I claimed the spot with a pointed look and made my way to what was now, as far as I was concerned, my seat.

As one does when sitting, I turned around and I sat. I’ll admit, it was more of a “plop” than a “perch,” so when I came down not on the orange plastic seat, but in the lap of the man who, seconds previous, had been sitting several seats away, there was no denying contact: I, Allie, was on top of him, Male Stranger on Subway. Evidently, said “Male Stranger” was actually a Seat Ninja.

subway fail

I’ve never been known for my cat-like reflexes (true story: I used to intentionally move my leg when the doctor tapped my knee because it never seemed to do anything on its own…forget “cat-like” I’ll settle for just “reflexes”), but I bolted up so quickly I was able to get off the subway right as the doors closed and it pulled away, taking with it the stranger in whose lap I’d just sat. I didn’t even get a chance to hear or see how the guy reacted, which I think is an undeniable indication that miracles are real and they happen every day.

This whole spectacle lasted no more than four seconds, but I can’t stop replaying it in slo-mo in my head. You know how when you remember horrible, embarrassing things you’ve done and you involuntarily blush and cringe reliving them? That’s happened like 10 times since last night.

To the Male Stranger on Subway: I am sorry I sat in your lap. Should I put this on the Craigslist “Missed Connections” page?

I know. Between that and the standing stranger embrace last week, it almost seems as though I’m intentionally doing this… I’m not, but I could see how you might think so. What’s next – an inadvertent elevator kiss?? Jesus. Stay tuned.

In other news….

– J Simps looks great! You go, gurl.

– If you are sick of reading thought-provoking literature like I am, indulge in this: Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty. Three sisters – triplets, actually – deal with life at age 33 in Sydney. It’s a step up from totally trashy chick lit, and it’s a nice break from War and Peace.

– This:

bob costas fnl

Ok, the end. If you’ve learned anything today, I hope it’s that I’m really good at photoshop and drawing.

*Volumes I – XVI of “what not to do” can be found in any number of previous posts. In fact, I was thinking I might rename BBT “What Not To Do, Just In General.”

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The one where a stranger took a picture of me sleeping

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2013

Hello, let’s jump right in. Today I share with you the pluses and minuses of public transportation. Please don’t stop before you begin, I promise it’ll be worth your while…

MINUS – like, minus to infinity: I had a work thing in the DC/Maryland area this week, and I like trains so I decided to take the Acela instead of flying. The Acela is my new favorite method of transport: it is a fast train that stops in only a few cities, and it has comfy seats and lots of leg room and there’s none of the security hoopla of airports. I went down Monday night and returned Wednesday morning on the 7AM train. My 5AM wake up call was entirely unwelcome: I already felt like I’d lived a week of two Mondays, two Tuesdays, and I was waking up to my second Wednesday – I was exhausted. The train ride from DC to NYC is 2 hours and 45 minutes, and I slept HARD, like hardcore R.E.M. sleep from Baltimore to Philadelphia, which is about 1.5 hours. I woke up as we got close to Philly very disoriented and confused…and then…THIS:

“Um, excuse me?” The guy next to me cleared his throat.

I turned to him and he continued, “So, I have something to show you, and before you think I’m really creepy – I swear I’m not – it’s just…well, here,” as he pulls out his phone, “I took a picture of you sleeping.”

“You – wait … WHAT?!?!?” It took me about 3 seconds to process this (if you count out 3 seconds Mississippi-ly that’s a long time to process a thought), and once it hit me I was not happy.

“Yeah – stop, don’t look at me like that – you sleep really…I guess I’ve never seen anyone sleep like that before. You were, just, getting after it. I wanted to tell my friends about it but I didn’t think they’d believe me, so I took a picture…then I felt bad about sending it, so I decided I’d show you before I sent it to anyone and let you decide if I could share it.”

He handed me his phone. Suffice it to say…it wasn’t good. My head was lolled back on my shoulders, mouth gaping open, eyes pretty much wide open and staring right at him (I sleep with  my eyes open – have we talked about that?) and hair a veritable rat’s nest around my dome. “Plus,” he said, ever so helpfully, “your head kept doing that thing where it falls forward and then snaps back…aw man, I should have taken a video!”

Sweet. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to delete that,” I told him, “delete that right now.” My level of kiddingness was neg.

“OK…I get that. Here, done, DELETE.” He was sad to see it go, but he probably already sent it to his buddies anyway and the part about letting me decide was a bunch o baloney – I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then he added, “But I guess I also took it because I thought you should know how you sleep…”

I assured him that he was definitely not the first person to take a picture of me sleeping, but was absolutely the first stranger who had, and he goes, “Ha, that you know of….”

At this point all I could do was laugh. He didn’t seem like a weird creep (and I don’t give people much benefit of the doubt when I’m assessing weird creepiness), he was definitely somewhat PLU, around my age, not heinous…hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself… Then we pulled up to Philly and he got off. The end.

(Author’s note: I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to include a pic of me sleeping – obviously not the one he took, but I wasn’t lying when I said that others had snapped pics of me in medias slumber. I decided that, given all the weird crap going on right now we could all use some cheering up..so…here. Bus – me – under it.)

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

Here’s my takeaway: are there any classes that teach people how to sleep normal? I bet there are – there’s a class for just about everything in NYC. I do usually sleep with an eye mask, which helps with the eyes-open issue…but, as we all now know, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

gratutitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my 'hood

gratuitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my ‘hood

PLUS!: AM New York, a free newspaper up here, distributes their paper via paper people who stand at subway entrances, passing them out as people walk by. You’ll find a wide array of paper people: some are surly and just hold them out, silently; some are shouting about deals/coupons in that day’s edition; and others are less focused on giving away papers, but engaging with passer-bys. Normally, no gracias – leave me alone – but there is a woman who stands on the landing at the Bryant Park/42nd Street station at the corner of 42nd and 5th, where I emerge from subway to city every morning, and she is maybe my favorite human in NY.

“Alright, girl – it’s another beautiful day out there! Let me see you smile, oh yeah, there it is! Look at that smile! You go, girl, you’re gonna be great today, just keep smilin’…”

Each morning as I climb up the stairs, regardless of my disposition or mood, I cannot help but break into a huge, goofy smile, and I feel so silly about it I start laughing to myself. So, basically, because of this woman, I start each day laughing outloud. I believe that my overall quality of life has been improved since I began seeing her every day.

Cheesiness factor: high. I care not, you’d all be so lucky to have this gem of a person in your life.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank you all for your concerned texts/calls/emails/gchats about my sister, Charlotte, who ran the Boston Marathon on Monday. She was very close to the explosions, but she had her phone with her (many hadn’t had a chance to retrieve between finishing/running race and the blasts) so she was able to let us know right away that she was fine and safe and kept us posted as to her location, etc. It’s such a horrible tragedy on so many levels, but I really do appreciate the social media focus on the inherent good in people that shows itself in situations such as this. I also really appreciate these five golden retrievers – “comfort dogs” – who are part of the K-9 Lutheran Parish in Boston and trained specifically to provide emotional support.

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and not enjoying a minute of it

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and hating every second of it

BBT sends thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by Boston, the Texas explosion, or any of the other unpleasantness going on right now. XOXO….and TGIT

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Free Willy*

Posted by AllieB on July 13, 2011

It’s a scorcher out there today…I walked to Starbucks earlier to get a green tea lemonade, and in the 2.5 minutes I was outside managed to elevate my hair emergency to Code Red – glorious this is not.

I seriously am going to make one of these at around 3 o’clock today – thanks, Martha!:

Ingredients

  • 8 cups chopped seedless watermelon (about 6 pounds)
  • 1/2 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (about 4 limes)
  • 2 tablespoons sugar, plus 2 tablespoons more, if needed
  • 1/2 cup vodka, (optional)
  • Mint leaves

Directions

  1. Working in batches, puree in blender watermelon with lime juice and sugar until smooth. Add more sugar, if needed.
  2. Transfer puree to a pitcher; add vodka, if desired. Cover; chill until ready to serve.
  3. Stir; pour into tumblers, over ice. Garnish with mint.

I found these on an interweb site called, “Why Teachers Drink.” BBT says: fair enough.

I think I sat next to the guy on the left my freshman year in Ecology 101. Or I probably would have, had I ever gone to class.  BOOM!!! To the person on the right – touché. And to the rocket scientist in the middle: fail.

Confession: I just had to goog “Ecology” because I didn’t know of what it was the study. You’ll all be pleased to know that I earned an A. GO DAWGS!

*It would have been more accurate to say “Free Willy’S” but then it wouldn’t be a double entendre with a reference towards the classic film and a lame 7th grade joke. Today is Willy’s Mexicana Grill 16th birthday. If you feel like putting in some effort, you can visit one of five locations at the appointed times, shake Willy’s hand and thusly earn yourself a free burrito.

  1. 11 AM at Roswell Road – Buckhead
  2. 12 NOON at Perimeter
  3. 1PM at Kennesaw
  4. I guess I kind of dropped the ball on the lunch times – you can still do dinner!
  5. 6PM at W. Paces Ferry
  6. 7PM at Howell Mill

Sweet. I probably won’t do it, but I thought I’d put it out there.So, I messed with some internal aspects of BBT, and it’s temporarily not showing up on Google. Lo siento. I think I fixed it…hopefully.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

« Previous Entries