Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Posted by AllieB on June 27, 2013

It happened; it’s over.

sistas in the city; my bestest Juan embracing life on Top of the Standard; city biking on Westside Hwy (NO HELMETS DANGER); there's a cat on Sissy's head

Bday Weekend Breakdown: sistas in the city; my bestest Juan embracing life on Top of the Standard; city biking on Westside Hwy (NO HELMETS DANGER); there’s a cat on Sissy’s head

Moving on! In less than two weeks I depart for Africa. Every time I say “Africa” I automatically hear that song “Africa” in my head – it’s getting pretty old. One thing that’s cool about this trip, besides the fact that it’s going to be really cool, is that it will enable me to cross off 6 of the 7 continents from my list: Continents. This leaves only Antarctica, which is actually super convenient because all I need to do is nail down an SI Swimsuit Cover and I’m all set!

dang

made ya look

Back to Africa. Ok, one more look at Kate . . . and NOW back to Africa: I will take tons of photos, of course, and tell you all about it when I get back. One thing that should cause all of us some concern is that, from NY->ATL->Johannesburg->Malawi->Johannesburg->ATL->NY I will log in approximately 50 hours of flying time.  My god that is a lot of time to be on a plane within 12 days…it really hit me when I did the math just then…oh dear. Anyway, unpleasant things tend to happen to other people while I’m on board airplanes (e.g. death, broken pelvis, violent nausea), so this doesn’t bode well for my fellow passengers – that is a lot of time for others to be at risk. Best wishes for safe travels!

50 hours. What the crap am I going to do for 50 hours. Pre-Teen Allie is getting fidgety just thinking about it…

In other news, some of which is legitimately worthy:

-THE ODDS ARE IN MY FAVOR!! If Princess Kate has a girl (which everyone thinks she is) the odds are 5-2 that she will name her Alexandra. If I cannot be Princess Kate, I will settle for being the namesake of her first born. (Credit: Caro)

-the amazing story about the man who slipped into a coma upon consuming 413 cheddar cheese biscuits fat Red Lobster is, sadly, not true.

–The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy is getting really good reviews – I thought it looked dumb, but perhaps now I will see it on Sunday. I always listen to reviews, just as I always follow the rules regarding bicycle safety (unless that outlaw Sister is involved)

–This list of “Lessons Learned” is applicable to everyone, regardless of occupation/age/gender – it’s written by a Vice Chairman at the PE firm Blackstone. The guy’s been around for 80 years, he knows what’s up.

-is anyone interested in renting my sister’s townhouse in Jupiter, Florida? I can’t believe I’m even posting this, I’d really rather it stay in the family for when I am in the mood to visit SoFla. I am trying very hard to not think about what $1,860/month gets you there vs. what $1,860 gets you here…..gross.

Happy Birthday to AMERICA!!! I love the 4th of July. I’ll be heading east to the Hamptons, and I will enjoy the beach, fireworks, $30 cover charges at Talkhouse, and overcrowded accommodations. God bless the stars and bars, sahn.

food you can make look like an American Flag: lasagna, assortment of cheeses, Budweiser, dessert

food you can make look like an American Flag: lasagna, an assortment of cheeses, Budweiser, dessert

If you need the recipe for Budweiser, let me know.

TGIT! It is unclear to me how it is only Thursday, but I am ever so thankful that this, the longest week ever in the history of all the weeks, is almost over. Be well, make good choices, and, as always, do as I say but never as I do.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Karma As It Applies to Me: An Essay

Posted by AllieB on May 23, 2013

I always thought it to be so,  but now I know for sure: karma is real. It exists, and it should be acknowledged as a true thing that happens. My belief in this is not religious or anything; it’s how I believe some things happen for a reason, or that three rights make a left – it just is. I like to think I would always do the right thing because character is what you do when no one’s looking, but up in this city, when presented with right v wrong, I definitely take into account how my actions could come back around…

MmmHmmm you know that's right

MmmHmmm you know that’s right

My karmic journey began at CVS on Madison and 34th last Thursday. I was walking home from work because I couldn’t find a cab and sometimes I hate the subway it was nice out, and I needed new hair clips and Vaseline (yes) so I stopped by CVS. I like CVS because they have self-checkout. As I went to ring up my purchases, I noticed that the machine was still beeping, “take your change” – sure enough, in the cash dispenser was a whole wad of bills, evidently forgotten by the person who’d been there before me. I took the cash and the receipt and found the nearest employee, explaining the sitch. “OH MY WORD!” the woman said, rifling thru the bills, “look at all these MONIES!!” Indeed. I have no idea how she handled it from there, but I knew I’d done the right thing, and I felt good about that.

Which brings me to…Saturday night. Oh no – Saturday night. I knowingly* set my phone down on a bar – for safekeeping, obviously – and accidentally left it there. When I woke up on Sunday, I was pretty sure it was at this bar/restaurant where we’d been, but they weren’t open so I couldn’t confirm. My mind started racing thru all the possibilities…ANOTHER lost phone!? My morale plummeted to depths heretofore unseen. But there was something in me – an innate belief in the goodness of mankind, I think it was – that had me almost positive that I would see my phone again. AND I WAS RIGHT. The very kind proprietor held onto my phone and I retrieved it Monday.

*unknowingly

Here’s what: had I not turned in the money last Thursday at CVS, I am certain that someone would have thieved my phone on Saturday night. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If it’s not yours, don’t take it. Thou shalt not steal.

stealing

Just kidding!! I was testing you.

Another example of karmic retribution: Lime Fresh Mexican Grill in Atlanta has CLOSED! All of them. BBT was anti from the word go: you can’t serve crappy food with poor service and expect to sustain an existence amongst Hall of Famers like Willy’s and Barberitos and Chipotle. I had to add Chipotle because that’s all I have access to up here, and it’s really pretty good…although my prayers have been answered and the Willy’s in Concourse B at Hartsfield-Jackson is finally open. Hallelujah. CC: Caro, K, Lucy

Everyone knows what a disaster apartment hunting in NYC can be. I don’t, really, because mine fell in my lap and is perfect, but most everyone else does, so I think we can all appreciate this new blog, The Worst Room. It lifts listings from actual apartment websites and shares the pics along with perfectly edited descriptions (credit: Joe, but also NYMag Approval Matrix (Joe, BUSTED))

Union Square, Manhattan. $1000.00<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.&#8221;<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;Amazing Location&#8221;

Union Square, Manhattan. $1,000.00

“I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.”

“Amazing Location”

The price is right…there’s no such thing as claustrophobia…what a find!

Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. $600.00

“special deal only for someone with a cat”

“we want to make sure the cat is a good fit as well”

What happens if the cat is a good fit but the person isn’t? #catpeopleprobs

I had a hard time deciding which ones to share; some people have incredibly low standards of living…literally – several posts mentioned not being able to stand  up straight due to ceiling height, or lack thereof. It’s sad…but it’s a funny-sad.

HAPPY BELATED, CARO aka BABYLINE! El, MHM and I toasted to you last night. XOXO

Corgis are so happy, and their happiness makes me happy. (JBax)

Ok, this is me leaving. Safe travels to those traveling, and thoughts and prayers to those who have served or are serving our country. God bless our troops.

Memorial-Day

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Roses are red, violets are blue…

Posted by AllieB on February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!! In spite of my single-person status, I’m really not some embittered anti-St. Valentine person; I mean, second only to Easter Valentine’s candy is the best, plus my bevy of Secret Admirers is sure to come thru with dozens and dozens of roses and diamond tennis bracelets…besides, Valentine’s Day is for love of all kinds, so, if you think about it, no matter who you are we all have something to celebrate today. Yeah, and mini-giraffes are real. 

Let’s open the Pandora’s Box of my Valentine’s Day history:

-in 2012 my mom made filet mignon with a crack-laced peppercorn sauce, twice baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, and homemade molten chocolate lava cakes for dessert. That > pretty much anything or anyone else you could offer me on Valentine’s Day, except maybe David Beckham/Channing Tatum/the guy in the Calvin Klein ad that’s all over the place right now. Ideally, all three…..

-in 2011 I was in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan? Allie: 1, VDay: 0

Ali/Allie Butt

Ali/Allie Butt

-I’m not sure about 2010

-same for 2009

-in 2008 I went to the Pink Pony, which makes perfect sense…pink -> Valentine’s Day. If you’re unfamiliar with the Pink Pony, best to keep it that way.

-ahh, 2007 – an epic evening at Eclipse di Luna

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely dates

Happy Valentine’s Day to my lovely dates

-jump back to 1998: a guy who I was semi talking to brought me wilted daises with an “It’s a Boy!” card because Kroger was all out of every other kind of card. This was one instance where the thought did not count at all, and nothing would have been infinitely better than something.

So. I don’t know what to say about this. I am 80% laughing, 10% not laughing, 5% nauseous looking at that picture of Hilary, and 5% very uncomfortable with the excessive amount of personal información I just shared. Whatevs – here’s how I feel about that: if you’re a little bummed about your VDay this ought to cheer you up; if you’re feeling a bit superior about your circumstances compared to my own, allow me to assure you that karma does indeed exist and is a real biatch; lastly, if you laughed because you enjoy humor at the expense of others, then it’s safe to say you’re in the right place – you know what they say about great minds thinking alike.

Hell on Earth has a new definition: 4,000 passengers have been stuck on a cruise ship without power (read: no plumbing) and no food for four days. Here’s my takeaway from this Carnival Cruise Line Horror Story that’s been in the news this week:

1. The Carpathia got to the Titanic in six hours in 1912; can someone please explain why these people were stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, a finite body of water, for four days in 2013. (I know there are some different logistics in play here, but from my uninformed  and unresearched perspective, this is completely unacceptable.)

2. Never will I ever step foot on a cruise ship again. I’ll consider a boutique liner in the Adriatic, and a yacht obviously would be fine, but that’s it…

3. The company’s idea of “compensation” for the 4,000 passengers held captive on board is seriously deluded: The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise. 

My reaction would be as follows: <slow shred of voucher to tiny little pieces; silent vow of revenge; put $500 towards Emily Thorne-esque avenger training>

Not that I was in a bad mood this morning, but I’m in a specifically good mood now. Those pandas down there are helping. And I’m wearing a pink skirt – I’m so festive!!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t have a date?
At least you’re not on that cruise ship.

Cheers to Thursday!!

bottoms up

bottoms up

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

I wrote it, now you read it

Posted by AllieB on November 27, 2012

Tis the season for holiday gluttony. And, if you’re like me, maybe a little bit of sloth. Well, if you’re like how I used to be…more on that in a bit. Hope everyone had a delightful TGivs. I stayed in the Tri-State area, hung out with family, shopped, and went to the opera. It was quite a night: we had dinner at La Grenouille beforehand, then saw Un Ballo in Mascheraat Lincoln Center – here, I’ll break it down for you with a little schizophrenic Q & A:

Did you enjoy the opera?

I don’t know.

Can you provide a plot summary or quick synopsis?

There was love, infidelity, death, some sneakiness…and lots of masks.

Ah. Care to enlighten us further?

I’m sure I would if I could.

Did you wear a long red gown and white gloves and prettily cry a single tear at the end like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?

Yes, no, and of course not.

Well, can you tell us how dinner was?

I can! Dinner was amazing. La Grenouille has an excellent prix fixe pre-theater dinner menu – I had the duck confit served with tuscan white beans to start, and for my main I had the beef medallion in a peppercorn sauce served with mashed potatoes. I’d had my fill of starches by this point, but the meat was cooked to perfection. We had a 2005 Bordeaux to accompany the meal, and it was, overall, just excellent. Sidebar: I went vegan awhile back and it’s going great.

And really nothing else to add about the opera?

Really, nothing else. Oh, maybe – there are screens mounted on the seats in front of you so you can follow along with what’s being sung – should your hair ACCIDENTALLY fall back over your own chair, say while you’re taking a quick nap or similar, thus blocking the words for the person sitting behind you, said person could possibly overreact resulting in something of a disturbance/tussle. Just FYI.

Thanks for that.

My pleasure.

So…dinner was great!

I was sad not to be in Atlanta, but I wasn’t even invited to come home – my parents weren’t in town to host us, they were here instead. 

 Tierra Patagonia in Patagonia. I would very much like to go to there.

And I don’t hold it against them at all: coolest hotel ever in a faraway & not oft-traveled country > cooking for me. We’ll make up for it at CHRISTMAS!!

Noteworthy mention: my mom booked the trip through Ansley Thomas at Smart Flyer, and I know she was very happy with the planning process and the trip itself. Yeah, this place looks alright.

So, I know you’re dying to know what I was referring to re: no longer being sloth-like, and here it is: I registered to run the LA Marathon on March 17, 2013. I’ve always said I’d do one before I turned 30, and those days are getting REAL numbered, so carpe diem and all that. I think it will make me feel good to cross something so substantial, something I’ve been talking about for so long, off my bucket list. I’m setting up a series of checks and balances to ensure that I don’t flake: the $165 registration helps; the airfare to get out there won’t hurt; and I think I’m going to raise money, too, the designated charity TBD. Also, if you’re reading this then you therefore know about it, so you can make it your life’s mission to hold me accountable. Before I began my training the farthest I’d run was the 6.2 mile Peachtree Road Race, and I spent most of the time availing myself to the refreshments offered along the course, which included Krispy Kreme donuts and beer. That was probably less “run” and more “lopsided walk due to persistent indigestion.” In spite of all of this, I am optimistic and excited: I have a training schedule that I compiled from various reliable online sources, and I’m going to join one of those running clubs. Tis the season for people to meet Red Face Allie.

After a rather unpleasant morning yog earlier this week, I am anticipating some real issues with the cold weather + outdoor runs. I’ve got a 20 miler in February that is going to be borderline impossible in the best of conditions, and I need to be prepared for the absolute worst. So, I did some research for a face mask of sorts because my nose is the only part of epidermis for which I do not have proper covering…suffice it to say, I’ve not made much progress. (These are all results found on Amazon when I searched “cold weather facemask”) 

From left: nope; absolutely not; could be funny…but, no.

Solution: unknown. I’ll keep you abreast. ABREAST.

Who says we can only give thanks one day/year?! No one, come to think of it, which is good because here I go:

1. I had my first celeb sighting!!! I was in the West Village with Mary Cath and Kate, and they can attest that those three exclamation points do my reaction no justice…I kind of freaked out…

Victor Garber. He’s in a lot of stuff!!! Argo, First Wives Club, Titanic, ALIAS…totally legit.

2. Green Chile Mac & Cheese at Good Restaurant. Holy YES PLEASE. I dined here the other evening with Laura and Lucy, and, although there were three of us working on it, we didn’t come close to finishing…I was contemplating how I might pack it up to go and carry it around in my clutch for the rest of the evening, when the waiter – who, I’d like to add, had been jumping the gun on our dining experience ALL evening – swooped in and took it away. I guess I thought I’d reconciled the incident, but given the amount I’ve thought about it since…clearly not. We have no choice but to return.

3. Hand sanitizer and other helpful anti-sick tricks. I end up next to Patient Zero for the next avian/swine flu on the subway at least 3x/week. When I inevitably find myself next to Snotty McHackUpALung, I like to daintily fake sneeze* into the crook of my elbow in hopes they will follow my example next time instead of sneezing in someone’s ear. (It was my ear. A GUY SNEEZED IN MY EAR.) I also got a flu shot and I take my Juice Plus every day.

*Obviously it’s a fake sneeze – my real sneeze would take out an entire subway car of people. I do not ACHOO in confined spaces.

4. My “around the city” NYC pics. This will never get old – I’m sure you feel the same way.

Christmas-tree lined sidewalks. This is my new favorite thing, and they smell SO good – much better than garbage.

My guy at the Starbucks in the bottom of my office building calls me Atlanta. At first he said Hotlanta (right????), but the other baristas thought that meant make my drink extra hot…so now it’s just Atlanta. It’s my daily caffeine and hometown fix.

5. ExACTly.

WHEN THE FOOD THAT I ORDERED ISN’T AS GOOD AS I HOPED

Go forth and prosper; be kind and rewind; aim to please; hold the door open for someone; tip an extra 10%. Tis the season to not be a jerk.

GoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAWGS!!!!

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Homeland Girl with a Sherlock; Extremely Loud & Shameless House of Lies

Posted by AllieB on December 12, 2011

There are LOT of things to look forward to in the coming weeks in the tv/cinema arena. In case you aren’t subscribed to five weekly tabloids (People, Us Weekly, Life & Style, InTouch, Entertainment Weekly – Friday is a veritable partay at BBT’s house (at least it is when my neighbors don’t steal my shiz)), here are some especially noteworthy things coming up. Listed not only chronologically, but in the order as shown in my oh-so-cleverly spliced title:

The season finale of Homeland – Sunday, December 18: Ok, if you’re not watching this program you’re doing yourself – and maybe even our country – a grave disservice. Each week’s episode has trumped the last, and last night’s was no exception. NYMag does a pretty great weekly re-cap of each episode, which I highly recommend reading. Claire Danes is, hands-down, the ugliest crier on the planet, but instead of ruining everything like she did in Romeo + Juliet with Leo di Caprio back in 1996, her disfigured emotion adds a certain level of necessary mania to her character. Finally, a niche market for that contorted face.

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo – Wednesday, December 21: Oh.My.God. I AM SO EXCITED. Even if there is a slight change to the story line, as there allegedly is about 3/4 of the way through, I am confident I will love this film. I heart Daniel Craig.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – Sunday, December 25, 2011: Robert Downey, Jr. is awesome as Sherlock. I’ve seen the one that came out in 2k9 several times, and I still enjoy it. While RDJr totally steals the show, his rapport with Holmes (Jude Law) is very natural and plausible – they have great banter. Also, the way they film the action/fight scenes is really cool in this slo-mo kind of way…”really cool” “great” “awesome” – I’ve missed my calling as a movie critic, haven’t I?

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Sunday, December 25, 2011: This is going to be a real tear-jerker. With the cast (Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock), director (Stephen Daldry – The Reader) and subject matter (9/11), it’s getting all kinds of Oscar-buzz. I’ll see it because I love to cry audibly at movies in theaters whilst sitting next to strangers, embarrassing my friends who have to depart the theater with me. Hello, The Help, Marley & Me, Titanic.

Shameless – Sunday, January 8, 2012: This is yet another gem on Showtime. Season 2 is coming in hot with it being summer time in Chicago- ie, no school and even more time for these Gallagher kids (and father) to run amok. The story lines are, at times, somewhat off-putting (that whole deal with Karen going crazy and seducing Frank made me very uncomf), but I am a huge fan.

House of Lies – Sunday, January 8, 2012: A brand new series to premier after Shameless on Showtime. Have you subscribed to Showtime yet? If you aren’t picking up the phone/initiating an online chat with your Comcast representative by the time you finish reading this post, you’re a fool. It stars Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell (in a surprisingly racy looking role…!) who work at some top-tier consulting firm. Suffice it to say, R-rated shenanigans ensue. It looks like quality stuff.

So… there you have it. De nada. That actually took me kind of awhile to write – like 30 minutes, at least.

And now, for this week’s Funny Christmas Foto Gallery:

Agreed.

FYI.

I took it too far, didn’t I?

Tis the season for December Bender. Have a merry Munday!

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

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