Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘help me help you’

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You’re Doing It Wrong

Posted by AllieB on May 1, 2014

There are a million articles floating around the internet about the do’s and don’ts of social media, but there aren’t any by me, personally, talking about you, specifically, so…here we go.

Instagram:

-For me, the most egregious of all Instaffenses (Instagram + offenses = Instaffenses) is posting several pictures in a row. The one exception is if you’re traveling in some remote place and only have access to Wi-Fi sparingly, but even then I encourage you to exercise some restraint. I promise you’ll get more likes if you post singularly rather than in multiples, and likes, obviously, are the only reason why anyone posts anything. I get really mad when people clog up my feed. What’s that – you just lost a follower? It was me.

-#youcantpunctuatehashtags and only a special few can hashtag emoji…

hashtag wine

-Use your head: the same group of people need not post the same picture on each of their respective accounts at the same time. I can assure you we don’t need to see the Birthday Dinner table shot more than once, and we probably could do w/o it in the first place. Just because it’s not on Instagram doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…

-No, wait: the absolute WORST Instaffense is when people put up a solo picture that someone else took and call it a selfie. NEWSFLASH it is not a SELF-ie if someone else takes it. Then it’s just you “candidly” posing while your poor friend takes a picture over and over til you deem it postable. I don’t mind selfies, and I don’t mind if you have someone take a picture of you, but you cannot call the latter the former. That’s wrong.

-You aren’t fooling anyone with the TBT’s where you’re all “how awkward is this!” when it’s quite clear that you’re actually showing us how cute/talented/tan you were – your humble brag: it is showing. I posted one of these myself the other week, but I balanced out the adorable one (adorable!) with the second (not so much). Plus, I am picking a wedgie in both. No one’s thinking “look at how cute/talented/tan she was!” In fact, they’re probably thinking, “bless her heart” or “Allie…no.” I win!

easter wedgie collage

Do you think #Instaffense is going to start trending?

Facebook:

-I realize this is more of a personal problem, but perhaps you can commiserate: doesn’t it seem that the people you’re actually curious about never post or like anything, and the people about whom you do not care are all up in your face? Why is that? Why?

-I do not appreciate people who post constant reminders that they are on vacation, knowing that I am sitting on the 18th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan where yesterday it rained a month’s worth of rain. This applies to both Insta and FB. And Snapchat. Another personal problem, perhaps, but something I’d like everyone to keep in mind.

-These days I use Facebook more for news than personal stuff, and I like it when people post links to articles or things on the internet they like. Assuming you and I have the same interests, I’d be okay with more of that kind of activity.

I don’t think I’m asking for much here – just be less annoying and more smart when it comes to what you do and share.

And now, my life in pictures:

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

you can’t make this up.

you can't make this stuff up.

*and that’s a grande nonfat Chai Latte – don’t act like you weren’t wondering.

well, this is upsetting. also, wrong.

upsetting. also, wrong.

how to dress in NYC when it just rained for 2 days and is 700% humidity #elevatordoorselfie

photo 2

should I start a fashion blog..?

I apologize for the extended absence, but I’ve been busy working, playing, and I just wrapped up my Spring Wedding Tour 2k14. Congrats to two of the best and your respective marriages, ABE V and Pal – two great people, two great weddings.

Hey, have y’all been to Bermuda? I’d like to go, maybe in July…I’ll keep you posted.

Today is the first of May (insert Justin Timberlake “It’s gonna be May” picture here) which means I am half-dead due to allergies. I sound like a sick frog and my eyes are red and swollen in the manner of someone who is high on pot. It’s hotness all around here on the 18th floor in Midtown Manhattan – total hotness. TGIT! (?)

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Truth Day

Posted by AllieB on August 15, 2013

And by truth day I mean…a day of truths.

1. I like Perrier, but I love Pellegrino

2. If there’s one thing I really miss about Atlanta it is the ubiquitous, well-priced, spacious delight of a grocery store that is Publix. It irks me that grocery stores up here can’t sell wine – I’m not sure what BS law mandates that; I think it’s just because there isn’t enough room. I also really miss the Publix sub sammies; this was a heretofore containable yearning that has blossomed into an insatiable craving thanks to this link MC sent me. The key, y’all, is to ask them to scoop the bread and add fresh jalapenos to everything.

If you’ve never experienced the glory of a Pub Sub, you’re probably wondering what’s soooooo great.

Publix Subs Are The Most Delicious Thing To Ever Happen On Earth

two points for the Leo GIF. You come here to me, Leo

3. When people try my patience I count to ten and employ breathing exercises I learned in that yoga class I took once. Namaste.

4. I saw this on Pinterest ages ago, and it’s really stuck with me. That Pinterest – so wise.

wise words

truth bomb.

5. I don’t drink coffee, I drink Earl Grey tea with almond milk. 3-4 cups in the morning, 1 in the afternoon. And now you know so you can quit wondering

6. My new running shoes are from the men’s department – NOT because of size…because of color.

7. Why is it that people with brand new puppies do not post nearly enough pictures, yet people with new babies…all the damn time.

8. I used to smoke a LOT of cigarettes. It was a filthy habit and one I 100% shut down literally the day I arrived in NYC.

9. I’m alarmingly bad at math. I didn’t know how to do 20% of a number until like six months ago. People always told me the trick of moving the decimal to the left and multiplying by two, but I thought it was it myth. It is not.

10. For the love of Roy G Biv, slow your roll on filters. I don’t not use them, but – as with everything in life – moderation is key. Taking innocuous scenery shots and using 12 CameraPlus filters is cheating, and then it usually goes from bad to worse with hashtag drivel like, #nottooshabbyforaMonday – it’s annoying as eff. Here, por ejemplo:

before and after

A totally meh scene made post-worthy by aggressive enhancement. #waitthatiscool #maybeIshouldputitonInsta

11. That empty subway car is empty for a reason

12. BBT turned three in July. This means to say: if BBT were a dog, BBT could get wasted legally. In toto, BBT has 341 published posts – 3/4 of them are about weather, 2/3 mention Kate Middleton, 1/2 discuss my love of reading, 1/3 tell that story about the woman dying next to me on an airplane…I’m lucky anyone reads this thing.

13. Once you’re in the trust tree, you’re there for.ev.er

14. I really like my job. Even without Bagel Fridays I genuinely look forward to coming to work. And, just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, my most favorite friend El works here now, too!!! I’m on the 10th floor and she’s on the 11th, which is good because there needn’t be too much togetherness, but it’s fun to know she’s here and is available for afternoon strolls and/or AWD’s.

2000 lax cats

We go waaay back: 2000 Lax Cats. We’re in there somewhere

15. Back to Leo, please enjoy this GIF history of Leo DiCaprio raising glasses. Will someone give the man an Oscar already!? I’m going to watch Blood Diamond this weekend. Maybe also Romeo + Juliet.

16. My kid’s gonna be the one with the pony. My kid might also be the one without shoes…

17. Allow me to reiterate my suggestion of Orange is the New Black. My enthusiasm has increased tenfold in the last week and you should all tune in. No flakiness – it has my official stamp of approval. Boom. Sidebar: did you know that I am a notary for the State of New York? It’s like I literally have a stamp of approval.

18. Y’all know how much I love horoscopes – NYMag now does a weekly roundup using, yep, GIFs (scroll down for the good stuff). Here is mine for this week:

GEMINI: Go off by yourself and spend time in contemplation or meditation. At this time of year, psychological self-evaluation can be of enormous help in your personal growth.

Ha. Haha. Well played.

19. This seems like a good stopping place.

And a very happy Thursday to you and yours!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

ALRIGHT.

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha

kate-middleton-portrait

Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Normalcy: it’s not for everyone

Posted by AllieB on November 14, 2012

The people-watching in New York is second to no other place I’ve been, including Flora-Bama. It’s a veritable sensory overload up here. Some days I am no mood to observe or interact with my fellow citizens, and I put in my headphones and keep to myself, and other times I like to immerse myself in my surroundings and see what peeps are up to…it is during these times that I hear things I wish I could unhear and see things I wish I could unsee.

Cut to: Sunday morning in a coffee shop in the East Village.

It was a lovely Sunday morning – daylight savings was the night previous, everyone was well-rested…a perfect bluebird fall day. I was standing in line at a locally-owned coffee shop to order some tea (I prefer Earl Grey), while the rest of my party retrieved the bagels. Spirits were high – I may have even been humming, I don’t know. I’d been there for only a short while when I got bored with my own thoughts and started listening to the twosome ahead of me. It was a boy and a girl, each carrying a musical instrument case – pretty sure both were banjos – who were meeting to go play a gig. The boy, we’ll call him Boy, was wearing one of those pork-pie hats, a sweater vest, and stonewashed jeans that were so stiff and sturdy they could likely stand up on their own.

As for the girl (Girl), just picture a much frumpier, less cute, more nasal, infinitely less charming Zooey Deschanel.

These descriptions, I realize, are not very flattering, and I honestly don’t think it was until after I heard their conversation that I began to view them so negatively. I think you’ll understand why:

Girl: So I’m totally thrown off by the time change, I had no idea where I was, what time it was, or what I was doing when I woke up. It was soooooo weird. I don’t even know what’s happening right now

Boy: Oh. Yeah. I don’t DO that whole “extra hour of sleep” thing. I stayed up an extra hour later just to be sure I didn’t get any more sleep than I usually do, because I don’t believe that you can just HAVE a free extra hour of sleep, you know? That’s just not how I do things.

Girl: For sure, I get that.

Boy: Yeah. I feel perfect today. Totally the same as I did yesterday. I don’t even really need this coffee, it’s just something to do while we wait for our ride. I’m not, like, tired – I’m totally on level.

Girl: Yeah. Yeah.

Oh COME ON. I wanted to yank that stupid hat off his head and stomp on it with my mass-produced, non-vintage boots. What an a-hole. WHO DOESN’T LOVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP!? I’d always thought that was a rhetorical question – evidently, it is not. At least my bagel was delicious. I don’t think I’ve written an NYC post without talking about bagels, and that is because they are so awesome up here. I have one/week.

 Boy in pork pie hat who hates sleep + whiny celeb wannabe Girl = the flattest of all of my faces (for all my talk about flat face, there aren’t very many pictures of it…I’m actually quite smiley. Here is one exception: this is me during last week’s big storm. There is nothing remotely resembling a smile on my face.)

Let’s get current on some events:

– go see Skyfall. It is the best Bond movie of the Brosnan/Craig era, and not just because of Daniel Craig the scenery, Daniel Craig the chase scenes, Daniel Craig the Bond Girls, and Daniel Craig, but because it’s actually a good story. BBT says: a TEN! BBT also recommends Argo; it, too, is excellent.

– the CEO of the Irish airline, RyanAir, wants to start selling standing-room only tickets on flights. This seems to me a really dumb idea – possibly the dumbest I have ever heard. BBT says: I’m not going to dignify this with a response.

– Jessica Simpson is looking better (credit: People by way of Caro) – I guess anyone is going to look good next to her fugly mess of a sister. BBT says: Woof (but keep up the good work, Yessica!)

My idea of what constitutes a current event is perhaps incorrect.

Have a happy hump day! My Wednesday got started off on the wrong foot when I somehow managed to ride two stops in the wrong direction on the subway. I had to get off, climb all the way up the stairs, cross over Park, go back down more stairs, and wait for another train. I’m so ashamed – what a rookie mistake. The good news is that once today is over it will be Thursday, and then it will be Friday.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

If you have to ask, the answer is no

Posted by AllieB on January 5, 2012

Oh, look – it’s Jessica Simpson. My biggest concern, I think, is that she’s so top-heavy she’s going to topple over. To quote a wise acquaintance, she looks like a kite – a very large, incapable of ever possibly taking flight kite. WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HIRE A STYLIST.

Gracias, Y Kenna.

J Simps is a great segue to my next subject – you know she sends some seriously manic texts: “I’M OUT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT I JUST FOUND SOME CRUMBS IN MY CIRCLE SCARF PLEASE BRING ME SOME CHEETOS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?!” … or something like that. Please refer to the flow chart below. ErinD sent it to me, and I got a kick out of it largely because I have a history of sending the most redonkulous texts ever. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should compile a coffee table book or similar. (It should be noted that people on the receiving end of these messages have never made such a suggestion.) Back in the day, I could have had my very own thumbnail on Texts From Last Night. Luckily, I’m totally in control of the disorder nowadays – much to the relief of everyone in my phone book.

Even if I’d had access to this during my texting heyday, I’m not sure it would have helped – namely because I can’t read from right to left or down to up, but also because it’s completely extraneous. Allow me (this is my maiden flow chart, so bear with me):

Personally, I think my guide proffers a much simpler solution to all texting malfeasances. And it would behoove me to take my own advice….wisdom: imparted.

Thursday!!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

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