Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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That Went Well: A Year in Review

Posted by AllieB on December 18, 2014

When it comes to making personal goals, it’s important to be realistic. I reread the post I wrote back in January that listed out what I hoped to achieve in 2014, and, I must say: I did quite well for myself. There’s that quote on Pinterest, “Shoot for Moon. Even if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars” but I prefer a more grounded and less astronomical approach, and I think we can all agree this strategy made for a pretty impressive year-end review:

1. Use my passport: Oui, je suis allé à France! (thank you Mom and Dad)

2. Be physically active for 30 mins each day: maybe not each day…most days though, for sure. The original post also mentioned “leaving apartment every day” as a goal, and overall I am pleased with my performance. Leaving the apartment on Sundays is not as easy as it sounds.

3. I was a non-presence on the Buzzfeed post “The 30 Dumbest Things Drunk Women Have Ever Done” and I’m wondering where my trophy is?

4. Read less. I did not read less. Some might argue that this is not actually a bad thing, so I will still count the loss as a win. And, while I did not publish anything outside of BBT, I DID work up a portfolio of best works and it’s almost ready to send out…almost. Honestly, I’m getting sick of reading people writing articles that I could have done – like this girl who lived according to the Pinterest Popular Page. I think she did a great job – she’s not annoying and it’s actually a font of useful information (an at-home gel mani that really works!) – but…I wanna do stuff like that. Credit: KReav.

5. Sign up for zero marathons. Well….full disclosure: I did sign up for the New York Marathon but at the behest of my sister Charlotte, and she ran it as me. This will also be filed as a W because now when I Goog myself you Goog me it looks like I not only ran a marathon, but that I hauled ass.

6269, Allie Baxter, New York, 03:38:14.

And I’d be remiss to leave this off my list of triumphs:

6. I unlocked the highest, most premium level of membership at Sephora: VIB Rouge. There was a parade and everything

I plan to ride this wave of success right into 2015.

In other BBT related news, my most read post of the year also happens to be one of my personal faves and is full of legitimately useful information: How to Lose Friends & Alienate People. Another one of my favorite things on BBT this year: this visual aid that I made on Excel using a false set of data to generate a line graph and some clip art (I don’t think enough people read the original post on which it was first featured, and I don’t want anyone to miss out):

my-will-to-live-2_Page_1

I can’t wait to see how this year stacks up :|

So, that went well… I hope you all have similarly positive feelings towards your 2014s.

The most newsworthy news of the week, maybe of month, even possibly of  year: Instagram added five new filters…! This is the first filtration addition since 2012, so it’s a big. freaking. deal. Here they are as shown by me:

new instagram filters

Clockwise from left: Slumber; Crema; Ludwig; Aden; Perpetua. Another tweak is that you can arrange your filters in the order of which you like/use them, so adios Hefe. Q of the D: what would you name an Instagram filter? For some reason “Lush” was the first word that popped into my head, and I can’t get past it. Lush as in lush fabric not lush like “have another cocktail, you lush.” Lush.

I’ve had a hard time getting amped up for the holidaze. I haven’t done any of my own Christmas shopping, and we’re not having our Annual Fireball and Pigs in Blankets Gala…Santa who? When I realized I’ll be back in ATL in just a few days, I was like, wait a minute - that’s only a few days to take advantage of NYC at Christmas, and when I get back it will be January…and you know who’s born in January: the devil.^

^This is according to my line graph, shown above. Will you just look at the damn thing already thank you.

So, I got my sh*t together, and now I’m feeling festive AF. On Tuesday, thanks to ole FlemWad’s planning, we wrapped gifts for children for the USPS Operation Santa project. Bringing joy to others is a great way to get into the holiday spirit. I had to run an errand uptown on Wednesday, so I took a detour down Fifth Avenue to take in the windows of Bergdorf’s, the bling on Tiffany & Co., and the tree at 30 Rock – nothing says Merry Christmas like nudging tourists into oncoming traffic. I have holiday-related activities every night up here before I go, and when I get home to ATL I’m going directly to the light display at the Atlanta Botanical Garden (seriously, do y’all just want to pick me up at the Arts Center Marta station and we can go straight there? LMK)…I might be tardy to this party, but I’m coming in h-o-t.

NYC Christmas

 The pic on the top right is a window at Bergdorf’s. Not sure it really gets my or their point across, but I like all the pretty colors. Merry Christmas from the freaky mannequin.

And now for a demonstration of my signature move: the Irish Goodbye. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS!!! xo

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Missy & Me

Posted by AllieB on October 8, 2013

It is with heavy heart (and swollen eyes) that I share with you some very sad news: Missy Baxter, our beloved black lab and BBT mascot, passed away on Sunday. She lived a full, 14-year life and was maybe the most loved dog there ever was. I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t matter how old they are or how much warning you have…it still really sucks when they go. Reasons for writing and sharing this tribute are twofold; I need a way of coping, and I want to celebrate the very happy life of a very happy dog.

Missy and I were kindreds. I lived at home for awhile in my mid-twenties, and she and I became very close. We spent untold hours on the couch watching tv – together we endured the highs and lows of the folks of Dillon, TX (Missy was a particular fan of Coach Taylor and Tim Riggins, just like me), and she loved Friends as much as I did. She could be something of a diva, but when it was the two of us she totally adapted my schedule of not having a schedule: we stayed up til the wee hours and slept thru mid morning. We just got each other.

missy collage

Missy was an incorrigible food thief; she really had no shame. Do y’all remember the cheese heist? It was Pal, Hilbilly, Swedge, JTomm, my parents and me, sitting around our coffee table enjoying some wine and charcuterie, and in slinks Missy…she circled the table, literally salivating, honing in on one particular $18/lb goat cheese & brie combo that I had begged my mom to buy. We joked about Missy’s impressive food-snatching skills, it never occurring to us she might have the gall to do anything while we sitting right there, when CHOMP. The entire block of cheese disappeared before our eyes. The whole thing, down the hatch in one gulp.

Missy participated in some alternative therapeutic methods in the last few months - this was when she got laser treatment for her joints. She also participated in acupuncture and water aerobics.

When she was older, Missy got laser treatment for her joints. She also participated in acupuncture and water aerobics.

I believe Missy had opposable thumbs that she employed only in our absence. I once interrupted her enjoying a large, Costco-sized container of almonds. Said container had not yet been opened – of this I would swear on my life – but she somehow managed to turn the lid and break thru the aluminum seal. On this occasion she proudly showed off what she’d done: “Bet you’re wondering how I managed this, aren’t ya?!” with a saucy wag of tail and toss of head. I’m still wondering.

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

Her only defeat was the 5lb wheel of Stilton blue cheese relatives send us every year from Willams Sonoma. I stupidly left it out, and Missy helped herself. I came home to a very queasy pup and 3/4 of a ravaged, smelly cheese wheel. She looked at me, not guiltily but almost accusingly: “Why did you leave this out when you knew YOU KNEW I would get into it…I hate you, I hate that cheese, and now I’m gonna puke” and then she puked. Missy loved cheese, but I don’t think it loved her back.

party pooped

Perhaps the most bizarre instance of poaching took place on Christmas Eve several years ago. My sisters, mom, and dad We do a lot of cooking for Christmas and had left out a few projects in medias res when we went to church. Obviously knowing Missy’s penchant for counter-top pillaging, we put all food/implements out of her reach…so we thought. We came home to three large knives that had each been part of dish preparation – one butcher, two serrated – licked clean on the living room floor. Missy was abnormally slow to greet us, and, given this possible crime scene, we called for her in earnest, looking for trails of blood or worse…..we found her in my sister’s bathroom happily eating her way through the trashcan, oblivious to the fact that she nearly starred in her very own slasher film.

Missy listening attentively as I explain the meaning of Christmas

Missy listening attentively as I explain the meaning of Christmas

I miss her so much, and my heart breaks thinking that she won’t be there when I next go home. I know she is in doggy heaven having the best time doing her favorite things: playing ball; swimming; eating leftovers, brownies, and snot-filled tissues; flirting shamelessly with anything male that moves and riding around shotgun with all the windows down. We’ll be telling her stories for decades to come and there will always be a Missy-shaped placed in our hearts. We love you forever, Missy Misdemeanor!

the happiest dog

the happiest dog

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At least I’m not greedy…

Posted by AllieB on April 4, 2013

Have you ever taken a Seven Deadly Sins quiz? There are several online. You answer some multiple choice questions and then it generates which of the seven sins (wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony) of which you’re most guilty. I’ve taken a couple over the years, and I am actually characterized by not one, but two sins: sloth and gluttony. To me, this isn’t so bad because those are pretty much just two horns on the same goat; I’d be worried if my answers came out 50/50 to sloth and wrath because that suggests a bipolar disorder or similar. Anyway, Gluttonous & Slothy Allie comes out in full force on vacation. I really can’t go on trips – like beach, low-key type trips – for more than a week. It’d be very unhealthy to sustain the lifestyle I embrace on vacation for any longer.

Cut to: Mexico. I went to bed at 8:30 every night, choosing slumber over rowdy family games of UNO, and slept til 9. I complained about walking half a mile to dinner, but then would go – begrudgingly – and inhale margs and chips and salsa and tacos and more chips and margs. I groaned at trudging all the way to the beach from the pool that was pretty much on the beach and considered the journey up the three flights of stairs to the roof-top pool/lounge area my Everest. I did go on a couple of yogs and I think I knocked out 50 squats and a full minute wall-sit midweek, but that’s it. By Friday, the sixth day, I was ready to go. I finished every single one of Elin Hilderbrand’s books (I don’t know what it is about her books, they’re like the novel equivalent of mac and cheese), and I was sick of waking up still full from my meal the night previous. There is no worse feeling than waking up still full from your meal the night previous.

While it’s good to be back into normal Active Allie mode, I do miss Mexi…esp the temp. It was 33 degrees this morning and I AM OVER IT. In protest against Mother Nature I’m wearing a skirt without tights. People on the subway looked at me more strangely than they did the male senior citizen sitting next to me who was listening to Taylor Swift on LOUD and humming along. It was pretty funny – a fairly normal looking 75 year old, just jamming out to T Swizzle.

Mexico was great, though, here are some photos.

mexi1

 Can you guess which are enhanced and which are not? No? Don’t really care? Ok, I will tell you: the two on the right are without filter and the other three have a couple. Wow!

picstitch

Sunset; SISTERS; tourist-watching at the Mayan Ruins. Like, that is foul. The view from the front was borderline pornographic and much too inappropriate to share on BBT.

After vacation I went to Atlanta. I hosted a baby shower for Nancy with the rest of SPICE my high school besties, and that was really fun. The only way you can tell Nancy is pregnant is because of her baby bump, the rest of her is the exact same – she’s TEENY. JSimps: you’re doing it wrong. My contribution to the festivities was the Mimosa Bar (obviously), and I think it turned out great! Thank you, Pinterest.

mimosa

Domestic Allie’s Mimosa Bar: prosecco, sparkling water, organic juices (grapefruit – OJ – pink lemonade)

Also, and I’m not going to go into the whole story because I don’t feel like it, but, as I predicted in my last post, we DID have some mishaps with our airline travel…we had to switch planes in ATL en route to Cancun last Saturday morning, and our flight from NYC to ATL was 30 mins late, thereby making our 45 minute connection very dicey. Jordan and I hauled A off the plane, shoving aside anyone who was in our way – I kicked a toddler in the gangway – and literally, like really literally, sprinted all the way down the A terminal (we came in at A9 so that’s like half a mile) to the train which we rode out to Terminal F (Terminal F is at a different airport, I think), then run up three escalators and all the way down to gate F4. The door was already closed and the attendant was closing up shop, but she saw us and said, “let’s give it a try, girls!” and she ran us down to see if the airplane door was still open…and it WAS! Turns out Mr. Baxter was going all furrowed-brow on the stewardess trying to shut the door – no one argues with Mr. Baxter when he brings out the furrowed brows – and we were able to board. The whole plane applauded. As I told the nice Mexican man in Customs, it was all very high drama. The End.

I do that a lot: I say I’m not going to tell the whole story, and then I proceed to tell the whole story.

Newsworthy news:

–theSkimm: it is a news email that goes out every morning around 6:15 and gives you a “skimm” of what is going on in the news on a Domestic and International level, and Social and Political issues that are a hot topic that day. I got my first one today and it’s legit – sign up!

–I updated my book list. I’ve been reading a lot of nonfiction lately…I still can’t get over the book about meth (Methland) – it was NUTS. Take those freaky meth commercials they air in Georgia and multiply them by like infinity and you’ve got the stories this guy wrote about…kids, don’t do meth

-if you don’t have already it, you need to get Netflix: the return of Arrested Development will show exclusively on Netflix and it premiers on May 26 at 9PM. House of Cards – have I talked about this yet? - is another Netflix-only show that is awesome. It’s a sleazy political DC-based series starring Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright that I made it through in one weekend. It’s so bad it’s good.

–Ryan Lochte is getting his own reality TV show. (Remember his amazing tweets leading up to and during the Olympics? He’s speshul.) I won’t watch it because I only like scripted sleazy television, but I look forward to hearing about what a doofus he is.

–WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS CRUISE SHIP. Sister sent an email this morning describing the situation perfectly, so I cut and pasted it: you know that cruise ship that was stuck in the Gulf of Mex? Well, it was somewhere in the gulf near Mobile being repaired and BROKE away from where it was tethered and floated down the river and crashed into something else. Like, PUT that cruise ship down like a rabid dog, someone please.

-I learned how to use my hair wand, and I joined Foursquare.

Have yourself a lovely Thursday. Watch where you’re going and say please and thank you. Laureo and Lucy, I’m already thirsy….

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ENGAGEMENT

Posted by AllieB on June 13, 2011

Charlotte and Stanton are ENGAGED!! My big sister is getting MARRIED! I AM SO EXCITED!!!! He surprised her with a weekend getaway to Miami where he popped the Q on Friday night, and the ring…it’s a great ring. Char, do you want BBT to take care of your save-the dates? I kid; I told you: NOTHING viral.

I realize this is not from this weekend, but it's one of my favorites :)

So, that happened. I can’t wait to plan!! I will be a great help with: your dress, my dress, music, the menu (I like things wrapped in bacon), and perhaps slightly less so with the guest list. I learned a lot from William and Kate’s nuptials back in April and am thusly an invaluable wedding resource – I’m full of relevant insight.

It’s about time we had a Baxter Family Wedding; I think we can all be glad Jordan isn’t the first one heading down the aisle…also, Stanton, when Madison and I were setting up your Gmail filters I did notice that you had an ENGAGEMENT folder – I obviously didn’t open it, but I definitely saw it…Madison even offered to be the lookout (he’s the brawn, not so much with the brains), but I resisted: if nothing else, I have my integrity. Madison’s, I’m afraid, is questionable.

Tina, when you sent me your video Friday morning it had received 12 views; it now has over 80. I walked into 5p on Friday for some AWD’s, and people were sitting in a booth watching it on an iPhone – it’s legit stuff. You’re well on your way to becoming an internet sensation akin to Bill Go Big Time or similar. Actually, BGBT has over 20,000 views, so I guess you’ve kind of got a ways to go…baby steps. I’m glad I know these people; watch their vids and get your week started off on the right foot.

Friendly reminder: Father’s Day is this Sunday, June 19th! June 19th is actually a pretty big deal here on BBT….

BBT & BBT’s dad enjoying casual brews in Alençon, France – Summer 2k10.

Have you experimented with Picasa’s photo editing platform, Picnik?? BOLO for a BBT makeover…!

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Back to my roots

Posted by AllieB on May 11, 2011

I felt a bit exposed yesterday with all that talk about…you know…so today I revisit one of the founding fathers of BBT, a key component of its basic principles: celebrity fails.

Tara Reid…come on down!!!

The UK news source, Mail Online, reported:

According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

You know it’s time to call it a night when…your tooth falls out on the dance floor, and, upon finding it, you don’t even go brush it in the Ladies’ Room but instead whip out your handy tooth glue, smear some on, pop the thing back in, and keep dancing. I am not an overly anal person when it comes to the Five Second Rule and have been known to take sips of stranger’s drinks (and then meet said person later and say, “nice to meet you, we’ve swapped saliva” – why do I do that to myself.), but this…this is not okay.

She looks like a hot steaming mess of hotmess.

This will unlikely intrigue my male readers, but whatevs – can’t win ’em all. Go look at Boobs Legsly or something…anyway, my favorite blog about random crap that I never see anyplace else on the internet, The Hairpin, has recently revealed What Your American Girl Doll Says About the Rest of Your Life. I, of course, had Samantha, like anyone who is anyone did. My personality profile is, therefore:

Did you know, when you picked her out, that Samantha was the cool one? Duh. . . every girl wanted a Samantha. If you owned her, you quickly learned the value of cachet.

By virtue of acquiring a status symbol early on (a Samantha doll was the designer jeans of third grade), you never quite had to worry about things the way other girls did. You therefore grew up to be confidant, capable, and nonplussed. You’ve always been well liked. You aren’t the funniest in your group, but you’ve never really noticed or cared. It’s true, I’m very breezy. If you thought about it, you could probably recognize other women who had Samanthas. But that’s not that impressive: everybody can.

The link above details the rest of them, but, as a Samantha-owner, I don’t particularly care to share them – do that on your own time. I will say: I’m impressed.

Speaking of my roots, JBax aka Baxter Bark Thrice, graduated this past weekend. The 12 lbs of rope she has slung around her neck are indicative of the minimal effort and lack of involvement she maintained during her college days, and she was also definitely not elected Homecoming Queen. <sense the tone>

The ropes = awards and honors, in case you didn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I’m so proud :)

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