Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘do not want’

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Raising the Bar

Posted by AllieB on April 27, 2011

Meet Barmy. Barmy has a teeth tat of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

British plumber Barmy Baz Franks, 29, got a dentist to use ultra-fine brushes and stencils to paint images of the smiling royals.

Barmy, this is not the best example of you making good life-choices, particularly since it cost $1,650 of YOUR OWN MONEY. These drawings are called “gnasher tats” and they’ll last for three months. That’s two months, 30 days, and 23 hours too long.

Speaking of jacked-up grilles, I share with you today’s word of the day:

Wonky: askew or messed up

She’s got that wonky tooth that needs some dental attention – it might be rotting.

Yeah, I saw him last night – he had to leave early, his eyes went wonky before 10.

I just like saying it, plus – and you know how I feel about alliterations – I can say it with Wednesday. Like ‘Wacky’ except for Wonky: it’s Wonky Wednesday.

My parents made me do my very own Easter egg hunt on Sunday, thereby acquainting me with a whole new level of self-mortification. I guess there were perks: I found $20 (FACE, Jordan), and I was thrilled to get the silk scarf I picked out in Pakistan and the beautimous earrings they brought me from Paris…but, still. Anyway, back to wonky: it pains me to say this because she is the most best dog in the whole world, but Missy Baxter just does not photograph well.

My EYES…!!! MY EYES!!!

(photo by Mr. Baxter – in his defense, I think Missy’s peepers skewed the light for the whole shot)

Based on other people I’ve talked to, I’m all alone with this, but you should probably pay attention anyway because I tend to be on the cutting edge of most things. Happy Endings, the new show that comes on at 10 on Wednesdays on ABC, is hilarious. Watch it, record it, whatever – give it a chance. Is it the next Friends? No. (Friends is irreplaceable.) Did I laugh out loud when I watched it, both after wine and again a few days later without wine? Yes, I did.

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen.What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

-The One with Ross’s Wedding


Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Might I suggest an alternative method of transport

Posted by AllieB on September 9, 2010

I never thought that I would appreciate MARTA, or that it could possibly be the better option in comparison to another city’s public transit system, but I stand corrected.

Perhaps the concept of personal space simply doesn’t exist in Japan – that’s the only explanation for the apparent tolerance of this inhumanity. I’m having an anxiety attack just watching it. BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE.

Oh my god.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

There are other virtues

Posted by AllieB on August 25, 2010

I’m fairly certain that even the most patient of people have a bout of road rage every now and again. For those of us decidedly lacking in the patience arena, these “episodes” are not infrequent.

I am slightly irked when someone cuts me off then proceeds to travel at a speed that I could surpass on foot. I am somewhat ticked off by random road construction and inconvenient detours. But I am legit furious when some halfwit thwarts my progress through a crowded intersection – that is when I cross over to the dark side.

It happens like this: some jackass decides the NO TURN sign hanging in plain view doesn’t apply to him, and everyone else is forced to just sit there as the traffic piles up, enduring the agony of watching the light change to yellow then red…..AAARGH it just makes me so MAD!!!

I’m a little riled up right now just thinking about it.

While I may not be patient, I am relentlessly optimistic and can find a silver lining on even the darkest of clouds. Today, my sunny outlook on life has reminded me that it’s a good thing I do not live in China, for this simply wouldn’t do.

People were stuck in this SIXTY MILE traffic jam for TEN DAYS. I would off myself.

Monica: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I’m fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: On account of my rage.

-The One With Ross’s Sandwich

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

On notice: TUESDAYS

Posted by AllieB on August 17, 2010

It has recently come to my attention that Tuesday is by FAR the worst day of the week. Here’s why:

  • Tuesday night tv is awful. I cannot think of a single television program, historically or currently, that airs on Tuesday evenings.
  • I often mistake Tuesdays for Wednesdays, and I get really angry when I realize I am wrong.
  • It is lame.

I know – my reasons are so reasonable. I’ve been trying to think of a two syllable word that begins with the letter T so I could revise the lyrics of The Bangles 80’s chart-topper Manic Monday, but I’ve got nothing. I bet this is why the song is called Manic Monday – they wanted to sing about how abominable Tuesdays are, but they couldn’t find an adjective that fit.

Torrid Tuesday…

Tacky Tuesday…

Trashy Tuesday…

Whatevs, that song is annoying anyway. I’m going to watch Bill Go Big Time.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

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