Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘can we not’

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Make Someone Uncomfortable Day

Posted by AllieB on November 18, 2010

Fortunately, this is real. Tomorrow, November 19, is the 3rd Annual Make Someone Uncomfortable Day. I’m writing about it today so we all have time to prepare for what awkwardness we might inflict upon our nearest and dearest. There are many people I know whose sheer existence on the planet makes me uncomfortable, so they’re all set – for those of us with slightly more adroit social skillz, here are some ideas from the Facebook page devoted to this noteworthy occasion…(source: sf.funcheap.com, credit: Leila)

It seems that people are posting how they plan to celebrate MSUD on this FB page. The first one I saw distresses me greatly.

I’m going to breastfeed in public:-)

Unless it is Apocalypse Day, that is unacceptable.  Pardon my tirade, but BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC IS NOT, NOR WILL IT EVER BE, OKAY. I do not understand why people do not understand this. Sorry – next:

this is funny because tomorrow is also diversity day at our school

Ok, that made me feel uncomfortable….

when you go grocery shopping, instead of shopping from the shelves, start shopping from other peoples shopping carts while they are looking on the shelves. make sure you are in a busy aisle with people looking…

That’s actually kind of funny, and it also goes along nicely with my Grocery Store Shame.

If I had an extra $5k to drop, I would buy this large structured fur headdress because it obviously makes people uncomfortable – both wearer and viewer, apparently. I seriously have not stopped laughing since Bailey sent it to me earlier. What the WHAT is that thing!?

from: SSENSE.COM

ATTN: Mary Cath – given your low threshold for awkwardness, perhaps you should consider staying home. Pal – you could probably be the face of Make Someone Uncomfortable Day – I’ll see if I can nominate you or something. Buff – if you’re looking for an idea as to how you might make people feel awkward, consider doing a split in public; it worked like a charm last Saturday. Leila – it is fitting on many, many levels that you are the one who informed us of MSUD. Thank you for being you.

BOLO for bumbling, bungling encounters…!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Mind Your P’s and Q’s

Posted by AllieB on November 17, 2010

I’ll be the first one to say it – my manners are not impeccable. No need to expound further, but my day to day behavior, particularly at the dinner table, leaves much to be desired. Obviously, when in a more formal setting I am perfectly capable of being the consummate dining companion, not unlike a princess, even (damn you Kate Middleton), it’s just not my default…

Anyway, regardless of my own flaws, I am easily irked by the inappropriate/unacceptable manners of others. Here are things I do not prefer:

  • Smacking. I know – pot, kettle, black – but I’ve gotten lots better and am now truly disgusted by those who do. As a babysitter, I feel it is important to correct the errant ways of children and did so just the other evening. Grace, a precocious seven-year-old girl, was smacking her food so loudly that I had to speak sternly to her about how unattractive it was and that she really ought to stop. She looked at me squarely in the eye and spoke sternly to me about saying “like, yeah” so much – “you don’t sound like you know what you’re talking about,” she said. I then suggested we call it a draw; she agreed, and we shook on it. Touché. Me and Dee Reynolds – shaping the minds of America’s Youth.
  • Slouching. Sit up straight – you’ll look five pounds thinner. If that’s not reason enough, then I can’t help you.
  • To the waiter who wants to bond with the table and goes so far as to scoot into the booth: please don’t. I’m all about building rapport, but if we wanted to sit with you at dinner we would have invited you to join us at dinner. I find it very unsettling to suddenly be touching thighs with a stranger as they take my order…it happened at Tavern 99, and the waiter in question was adorned in the never-not-classy Sexy Referee Uniform. Boundaries.
  • Slurping. Akin to smacking, this is a wholly unappetizing thing to do at the table. I’m starting to feel a bit like Seinfeld…
  • Eating wings in public (Pants, Billy, Dallas, BP – I’m talkin to you).

I think one of my New Year’s Resolutions will be to adjust my behavior to that of a princess every day, formal occasion or no. I bet menfolk will find that more appealing, not to mention the friends and family with whom I frequently enjoy meals.

Dear Mom,

This Thanksgiving I promise to do none of the above.

Your loving daughter,

(Princess) Alexandra

(Source: whatupwithtthat)

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

On Notice: J Simps

Posted by AllieB on November 15, 2010

Seriously, Jessica? Your behavior in recent weeks has me yearning for the days when your indiscretions were confined to wardrobe blunders and unfortunate sound bites.

So, again I ask: seriously, Jessica? Your engagement to NFL free agent Eric Johnson is equal parts pathetic and stupid. Your ex-husband Nick and his longtime girlfriend, Vanessa, got engaged but two weeks ago, you had an unfortunate run-in at an LA eatery wherein you got drunk and said insulting things about them (a.k.a. the most innocuous couple of all time), and now you’ve gone and gotten engaged to a man whom you’ve not only been dating for only five months or so, but whose divorce from his own wife was finalized only last  September – as in, two months ago. To me, the cons outnumber the pros by about a gazillion to one. The close proximity in which  you secured your own engagement to that of your ex is truly laughable, and it’s quite clear that you threatened the poor guy – or maybe your Dad did – a gun to the head, perhaps?

Never one to humiliate yourself on a single level when there are other arenas in which to fail, your Christmas single, “My Only Wish” off your new holiday  album is a very sad, very obvious rip-off of Mariah Carey’s classic, “All I Want for Christmas (Is You).” Why, why would you choose that song – of all the Christmas songs – to copycat. Your half-ass version is not good, and no one is going to listen to it when they can just listen to Mariah’s instead. Please see a comparison of the lyrics below – it’s  hard to even read, must less listen to.

Between these two latest gaffes plus the others I wrote about a few months ago…I just – I don’t know what to say, moving forward. Given how things have been going for you recently, I’d take extra precautions when performing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – there are 13 – 14 deaths/year  by way of parade float, so…just sayin’ – ya better watch out…

That was morbid, lo siento. I’m just fed up with your nonsense – pump the brakes, reel it in, and stop being so stupid. Then we’ll talk.

P.S. Congrats on the engagement…kudos for choosing such a fugly unique ring.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Is this necessary.

Posted by AllieB on November 9, 2010

Snuggies – I get. I like to be warm, I like to have my hands available for flipping magazine pages/remote control access, and the Snuggie allows all these things. Plus, it’s not that complicated – it’s a blanket with sleeves. Done.

This newfangled twist on the much-heralded Snuggie seems…well, actually, I get rosacea just looking at it. Being trapped in an actual fleece onesie without any kind of breezy access makes me very uncomfortable. Meet & Greet: the OnePiece. (What a novel name. Minus 2.)

I guess one thing of note is that it’s from Norway, and Norway is very chilly. Perhaps if I lived in Norway I would be more inclined to swaddle myself in a fleece unitard…that woman looks very happy in her OnePiece.

Another trend with which I am having issues is this whole young-star-whose-career-isn’t-super-hot-writing-a-novel thing. I’m talking to you, Hilary Duff. Her novel, Elixir, is about a girl “raised in the spotlight” as the daughter of a renowned surgeon and prominent D.C. politician who grows up to be photojournalist, traveling to the most “exotic parts of the world” to enhance her craft. I mean, at least stick to topics you actually know something about – which I do not think includes photojournalism. Also, I am not such a fan of Hilary Duff in general, besides her one hit, Come Clean, which has seen me through the highs and lows of my life since 2004.

Lastly, to answer my own question: this is absolutely, most definitely, not on any level, necessary (from TV Gawker).

Pregnant Woman Bikini Contest? Pregnant Woman Bikini Contest.

Ok, whoa: I was doing my customary search on “this day in history,” and have learned via Wikipedia that it is both Nick Lachey’s and Vanessa Minillo’s birthday today?! My mind is reeling. Although perhaps more notably, it is also Sisqo’s birthday. Thong Song > everything Nick and Vanessa have ever done, combined.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Know Your Audience

Posted by AllieB on October 19, 2010

Starbucks is testing the new “Starbucks Bar” at their flagship store in Seattle. My first reaction was, “Great! Another place that serves wine.” However, upon further examination, I’m thinking: no. They’ve delved into coffee-flavored liquers, available at your local grocer/bottle shop, and their breakfast sandwiches are actually really awesome, but to serve beer and wine at their actual coffee shops just seems wrong to me.

I learned on the Today show this morning that Starbucks does 70% of their business  before 2pm. That’s FINE – you’re a COFFEE shop. I think to add alcohol in the mix will just confuse people. IMO, if Starbucks insists upon pedaling booze, they need to do so in a totally different capacity – perhaps even under a pseudonym – at a location entirely separate from the coffee shops.

When the always-hilarious Al Roker joked, “Sure, I’ll take a Zinfandel Frappucino!” I knew that I would never be able to get behind this idea.

thanks, but no thanks

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

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