Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘awk’

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Marla Hooch: What a Hitter

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2013

It’s not easy doing this – being strung along by the promise of awesomeness and glory, the sweet taste of victory in attainable, if-we-just-make-this-play reach…you know where I’m going with this: such is the life of a Georgia sports fan. I don’t know why the sports gods decided to screw so badly with our heads and hearts this year, but it was not fair. We rose up across the nation, and to no avail. It really sucks.

I pondered this at late nights on occasion in ATL, but now that I’ve moved up here and find myself walking and listening to music simultaneously I think about it a lot: what would my walk-out song be if I were a Braves player? What would blare over the loudspeakers to announce my presence as I sauntered/swaggered to home plate? Don’t scoff, I’m serious. This week my choice is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, specifically at the 2:00 mark. Next week it might be DMX or Nicki Manaj…but this week it’s LZ.

Sister, yours would be “I’m a Loser Baby” by Beck.

loser

Thank you, Marla Hooch, for taking the time to share your thoughts on BBT today. You probably won’t be invited back.

And now, for the weather. It is soul-crushingly cold in NYC this week.  I’ve heretofore never experienced this kind of chill, where you’re in physical agony after two minutes outside, even when you’re APPROPRIATELY dressed. Never was I ever appropriately dressed in Atlanta. Rain, cold, snow – I just suffered for the 10 second walk to my car and wore backless shirts year round whatever I pleased. Today I am wearing leg warmers seriously, without any irony. I purchased them at American Apparel for a dress-up engagement party (great idea, btw, highly recommend a costume-required engagement party), and I am wearing them today with boots. Y’ALL IT IS COLD. Normally I like to take a stroll during lunch, but this week all I’ve done is take a stroll to the lobby to meet my Seamless delivery dude. People aren’t meant to live like this; I need a full-length mink. Buff, send me yours, I need it more than you do.

so emo

#swaddled #slightlyfurrowed #lusciouslocksthankstoEquinox #thatrhymes #lesmissoundtrack

If I look pissed it’s because I am. It was one degree this morning. ONE DEGREE. Hilary said it best: “That’s not a temperature. A temperature is like 65. Or 85. 1 is like how many pizzas I’d like today. Not a temperature.” Agreed. And now I’ll be ordering pizza for lunch. UPDATE: I went with sushi.

In celeb news…There are few things I love more and am better at handling than being proven wrong. I definitely don’t like to be right all the time, and I’m happy to accept another’s assertion of truth over my own. I trust you all sensed my tone. However, sometimes facts are facts, and I just have to go with it - case in point: this photo of T Swizzle. I’ve called her boring, lame, and even Taylor “what’s that? I just fell asleep” Swift, but she looked pretty smoke at The People’s Choice Awards a couple of weeks ago…not bad, T Swizz, not bad at all.

taylor-swift

This doesn’t mean I like you, but it might mean I recently purchased your newest single. Speaking of celebs! I saw Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef at Raoul’s on Saturday night. She is stunning but would be even more so if she wiped that snarky smirk off her face – she did not look like someone I want to be friends with. I’m really killing it with my celeb sightings.

So, this happened: a couple of Saturdays ago, before the Apocalypse and you could go outside without 18 layers of clothing, I was sitting in Union Square enjoying a nice cup of hot cider from one of the vendors at the park’s Farmers Market, reading my Kindle. I was early meeting people for brunch/lunch, so I sat for a sec, enjoying the mild temp and pleasantly quiet day. OR SO I THOUGHT.

“Hello, excuse me, hi.” The man’s voice startled me, and I sloshed my cider. Annoyed, I was all set to pull my usual avoid-and-ignore move, but I decided to do things differently – I was just a girl, sitting in the park, drinking some hot cider, why couldn’t I have a normal conversation with him.

“Yes, hi,” I responded with a half-smile. A HALF-SMILE!

“Do you mind if I sit down?” Before I could answer, he sat down right next to me – right next to me when I was surrounded by empty benches. My half-smile began to waiver.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked eagerly as he leaned towards me, effectively violating any and all social mandates re: personal space.

“My name is Allie…” I said while I adjusted my position, trying to communicate that he was about six inches closer than what was already too close.

“OH I KNEW IT! I knew your name would be something like Allie!!” What does that even mean? “My name is Alex. But I bet you could have guessed that. Alex and Allie!”

“Yeah, I don’t know that I could have…”

“But who knows? Right? That’s why I just love this f*ckin city. So, Allie, I think we should hang out sometime…” At this point, I started gathering my things – I really did try and be friendly because hey, why not, but he was putting out a weird-and-getting-weirder vibe and he also looked like Voldemort’s rat-like sidekick. I’d had enough.

they weren't identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

they weren’t identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

He began to protest: “Wait, you’re not leaving! You didn’t even get to hear what I was going to say! I was going to say I wanted to hang out with you and your FRIENDS. Not just YOU! I bet you’ve got cute friends. You can set me up!”

This was too much. “You want to hang out with my friends? You’re using me to get to my friends? Whom you’ve never met? And you want me to make the introduction?” I know I sounded a little incredulous, but this guy was the worst. Plus he was wearing some kind of unpleasantly odorous cologne that was 100% AXE Body Spray, or possibly its generic version. No gracias.

“Sure, why not. Maybe they are nicer than you. Maybe THEY would want to hang out sometime.”

I sensed Alex’s teasing/pouting act was a quick stop on the way to TemperTown, so I bade him farewell and got to to brunch/lunch 20 mins early. I thought I did okay for a first attempt at random conversation with someone whom I initially had wanted to run away from. Another one of my non-resolutions is to, eventually, retire my Flat-Face as it pertains to meeting members of the opposite sex. This will be my Everest.

Did you notice how this kind of read like a newscast? Sports, weather, celeb stuff, wrapping up with a human interest story…  #notmybestwork

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Bummer

Posted by AllieB on April 12, 2011

Well, this is really too bad. Old Britney vs New Britney. Sick Dance Moves vs Are You Sick? Dance Moves. Wow, You Are an Awesome Dancer vs Wow, You Were an Awesome Dancer. Moonwalk vs Electric Slide. J Simps Newlyweds vs J Simps Employee of the Month. Allie vs Hilary. If it ain’t broke but then you break it, you can’t necessarily fix it….whatevs, you get my drift; it’s not good.

You do NOT need sound to appreciate her rump shakin booty awesomeness/slightly less awesomeness.

I will always, always love B Spears…but…at some point everyone has to retire and hang up their nude-colored bodysuits – Glory Days don’t last forever. From PopDust by way of NYMag.

Today my horo began with this:

Who wants to order the prix fixe dinner when you can belly up to the buffet table?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these people have got my number. Elle.com -> best horos ever.

Today I am trying out the Yumbii food truck because I have never been to it and have been dying to go. I love tacos! Also, it is their day in Buckhead, so it’s convenient. Holla!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Common sense: turns out – not so common

Posted by AllieB on February 2, 2011

I don’t like going to the gym. I prefer to do my yogging outside – only heavy rain and wind will send me to el gimnasio, as was the case last night. It’s not so much the actual working out part that bothers me, it’s the people who decide the gym is a total free-for-all and completely abandon the basic manners they learned in kindergarten, like,  “don’t interrupt” and “it’s impolite to stare.”

I would genuinely like to know what part of profusive sweat, noise-canceling earphones, and heavy breathing says, “please come talk to me,” but some people seem to think it’s prime time to initiate a mindless convo.  Small talk is awkward enough as is – small talk whilst doing reverse crunches is the equivalent to what I imagine water-boarding is like.

That is why I am not a member of one of those massive chain facilities where women wear normal bras beneath their sports bras and guys make use of the free tanning beds – from what I’ve heard, those places are hotbeds for unpleasant and untimely socializing. Even though I do have several friends who work out where I do, we simply nod at each other and continue on our way…if this is the protocol with people to whom I am actually close, then it should surely apply to mere acquaintances.

My other point of issue is that, yes, I know my face turns red. We call this Dance-floor Allie, or Red-faced Allie, or Summertime Allie – whatever scenario aptly describes why my face has gone vermilion. At any rate, there is no need to stare, much less make remarks – both happen to me frequently and it’s really very offensive. Honestly, How Rude!

Credit: Hilary. These aren’t great photogs, but that is a nice shot of Dancefloor Allie..

Actually, I saw a girl on the treadmill yesterday whose face was not so much red as a purple-y maroon…it kinda reminded me of the sky right before a really bad storm – literally, it looked like her head was about to explode. At least mine airs on the side of tomato…if I were her, I’d probably consider an at-home workout regimen. Also, in keeping with the theme of my post, I would like to note that I neither stared at nor remarked upon her condition; I am simply reporting it here on BBT.

I saw the Hall Pass trailer for the first time last night – it looks funny! Also, it was fun to spot all the places in Atlanta where they filmed stuff for the movie. Applebee’s on Lindbergh and Johnny’s Hideaway were obvious venues in the clip I saw. Of course, I know there was some filming done at Cantina in Terminus as I actually hung out with Owen Wilson et al one evening…it was a very brief encounter. I described the meet & greet in post this fall – it did not go well.

A screenshot of the trailer – anyone between the ages of 20 and 60, possibly 70?, who ever “goes out on the town” in ATL can surely recognize that ceiling…

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

Workin’ on my night cheese

Posted by AllieB on January 19, 2011

I could write a whole post about my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – which does exist, by the way – but I choose not to. Instead I shall write about Snooki’s new novel, A Shore Thing. Meet Gia and Bella, two girls who are not-so-loosely based on Snooki and JWow, respectively. That’s fine with me – stick with what you know, I always say (credit: NYPost).

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

Titillating stuff…maybe I’ll buy it on my Nook for my upcoming trip to Pakistan (more on that later). Also, three songs by The Whigs – with lead singer Parker Gispert, one of my oldest nearest and dearest - were featured thrice on Monday night’s episode of Jersey Shore…I thought “Someone’s Daughter” was particularly apropos.

YKenna has shared with me a new blog devoted to awkwardness: www.umawkward.com.

MASH

This reminds me of Sister and me. Guess who’s who. I bet I could do a whole sub-blog on BBT featuring various categories of Awkward: Encounters with Strangers, Loss of Filter at a Staff Meeting, Babysitting Moments, Attempts to Ascend an Escalator and so on…between my daily blunders and those executed by my peeps, I would really have endless material from which to choose. Hmm. Mayhaps.

Last weekend in Athens, MPvZB, Sis, Leila and I reacquainted ourselves with the wonder that is Liz Lemon. Join us, won’t you?

Did this seem a little meh to you? It did to me. It must be my SAD talking.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Things I love: awkward & Sundays (but not awkward Sundays)

Posted by AllieB on November 8, 2010

There are few things I love more than a solid story of awkwardness. Fortunately, I surround myself with people who outdo themselves on a regular basis in this arena, so I am constantly entertained.

Take this classic story from Pal, for instance, one of my Favorite Friends, lover of ‘za, and resident of NYC (cut and pasted from her email):

Even though the escalator from the sub up to the street was broken today, and I have a phobia of walking up or down an escalator that is at a stand-still. It really is a problem for me, I can’t gauge the height of the stairs or something and I end up awkly walking up them like a dog with socks on. (Hilarious, only 16 seconds, do not need sound.)

I cannot tell you how happy it made me to picture her high-stepping her way up the stairs.

Another thing that makes me really happy is Sit-Around Sundays. Casa di Kayruh-Pants-YKenna is a great place for this activity, just as long as we avoid the DVR and stick strictly to OnDemand…their preferred television programs are abominable (like the snowman). A key component of these Sundays is the food – ie, the varietal of Pan-American cuisine we choose to eat. Last night we ordered delivery from Golden Buddha, and it was gooooood.

This is what $104 of Chinese food looks like.

The holiday season is upon us…! We watched Love Actually, which I will surely reference at least 15 more times before Christmas for it is my favorite film. We also watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, something I was heretofore totally against doing because I wanted to wait until the glossy US version featuring a very appealing Daniel Craig comes out in December 2k11, and it was awesome. Lisbeth Salander is a badass. Such a fun weekend: successful work partay, Chili Chomp & Stomp (or “Cabbagefest” according to JTomm), my lace-up Uggs…I don’t feel even a tinge of maniacal Monday’s.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HILARY & NORAH!!! (a day late, sorry – I don’t blog on Sundays)

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

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