Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘autobiographical’

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Karma As It Applies to Me: An Essay

Posted by AllieB on May 23, 2013

I always thought it to be so,  but now I know for sure: karma is real. It exists, and it should be acknowledged as a true thing that happens. My belief in this is not religious or anything; it’s how I believe some things happen for a reason, or that three rights make a left – it just is. I like to think I would always do the right thing because character is what you do when no one’s looking, but up in this city, when presented with right v wrong, I definitely take into account how my actions could come back around…

MmmHmmm you know that's right

MmmHmmm you know that’s right

My karmic journey began at CVS on Madison and 34th last Thursday. I was walking home from work because I couldn’t find a cab and sometimes I hate the subway it was nice out, and I needed new hair clips and Vaseline (yes) so I stopped by CVS. I like CVS because they have self-checkout. As I went to ring up my purchases, I noticed that the machine was still beeping, “take your change” – sure enough, in the cash dispenser was a whole wad of bills, evidently forgotten by the person who’d been there before me. I took the cash and the receipt and found the nearest employee, explaining the sitch. “OH MY WORD!” the woman said, rifling thru the bills, “look at all these MONIES!!” Indeed. I have no idea how she handled it from there, but I knew I’d done the right thing, and I felt good about that.

Which brings me to…Saturday night. Oh no – Saturday night. I knowingly* set my phone down on a bar – for safekeeping, obviously – and accidentally left it there. When I woke up on Sunday, I was pretty sure it was at this bar/restaurant where we’d been, but they weren’t open so I couldn’t confirm. My mind started racing thru all the possibilities…ANOTHER lost phone!? My morale plummeted to depths heretofore unseen. But there was something in me – an innate belief in the goodness of mankind, I think it was – that had me almost positive that I would see my phone again. AND I WAS RIGHT. The very kind proprietor held onto my phone and I retrieved it Monday.

*unknowingly

Here’s what: had I not turned in the money last Thursday at CVS, I am certain that someone would have thieved my phone on Saturday night. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If it’s not yours, don’t take it. Thou shalt not steal.

stealing

Just kidding!! I was testing you.

Another example of karmic retribution: Lime Fresh Mexican Grill in Atlanta has CLOSED! All of them. BBT was anti from the word go: you can’t serve crappy food with poor service and expect to sustain an existence amongst Hall of Famers like Willy’s and Barberitos and Chipotle. I had to add Chipotle because that’s all I have access to up here, and it’s really pretty good…although my prayers have been answered and the Willy’s in Concourse B at Hartsfield-Jackson is finally open. Hallelujah. CC: Caro, K, Lucy

Everyone knows what a disaster apartment hunting in NYC can be. I don’t, really, because mine fell in my lap and is perfect, but most everyone else does, so I think we can all appreciate this new blog, The Worst Room. It lifts listings from actual apartment websites and shares the pics along with perfectly edited descriptions (credit: Joe, but also NYMag Approval Matrix (Joe, BUSTED))

Union Square, Manhattan. $1000.00<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.&#8221;<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;Amazing Location&#8221;

Union Square, Manhattan. $1,000.00

“I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.”

“Amazing Location”

The price is right…there’s no such thing as claustrophobia…what a find!

Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. $600.00

“special deal only for someone with a cat”

“we want to make sure the cat is a good fit as well”

What happens if the cat is a good fit but the person isn’t? #catpeopleprobs

I had a hard time deciding which ones to share; some people have incredibly low standards of living…literally – several posts mentioned not being able to stand  up straight due to ceiling height, or lack thereof. It’s sad…but it’s a funny-sad.

HAPPY BELATED, CARO aka BABYLINE! El, MHM and I toasted to you last night. XOXO

Corgis are so happy, and their happiness makes me happy. (JBax)

Ok, this is me leaving. Safe travels to those traveling, and thoughts and prayers to those who have served or are serving our country. God bless our troops.

Memorial-Day

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Beach Bum Tan > Baxter Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on March 21, 2013

It’s a common stereotype: people in the North are more abrasive, louder, and sometimes literally pushier than people from the South. I wouldn’t argue with this at all. The good manners and common courtesies with which I was raised and am accustomed to are not a given, and I think I need to just put on my big girl pants and get over it.

Case in point: last Friday evening at Beach Bum Tan. All I wanted was a spray tan in a booth, which they didn’t have, but the seemingly pleasant girl behind the counter, Mariam, said she could airbrush me herself in like an hour. No prob, I had some wine with Mary Cath around the corner and went back. In the time I was gone Mariam apparently underwent some kind of lobotomy, and it was not she but Mr. Hyde who was doing my tan. Things started off poorly when she accused me of lying about being from New Jersey and continued on in the manner of a downward spiral for the duration.

“I’ve got an Allie Baxter in the computer right here – see? That’s your name, you’ve been to our Jersey location before. You’re from Jersey.”

“I think it’s another Allie Baxter. I am from Atlanta.”

“Why would there be two of you?? And we don’t even have any stores in Atlanta!”

Precisely my point. “Look, I really haven’t been here before, and sometimes people have the same name…maybe there’s another Allie Baxter in New Jersey.”

“Fine, whatever. You’re not from Jersey, I get it. SH*T we’re running behind. Hurry up, Abby, we gotta get this done fast.”

She turned and stalked down the corridor. Assuming by Abby she meant Allie (after all that you’d think she’d get my name right), I dutifully followed along behind her, really thrilled to have the crazy person give me a spray tan. Once situated, the berating continued.

“You know how this works, right?”

“Yes, I -”

“When’s your event?”

“Tomorrow.”

“TOMORROW?! When were you going to tell me it was TOMORROW. Jesus frigging Chr- I just asked you if you knew how this works, and you said yes, but OBVIOUSLY you do not if you’re here a frigging day before whatever little party you have. It’s a TWO DAY process.”

“Um….I didn’t know…I’m sorry?” Her manner and tone really did make me feel sorry.

“Let’s look at you – oh my god you’re even paler than I thought. You’re like a Type I, I can’t even give you that much color or you’ll look like a frigging idiot. Seriously, do you go outside, like, EVER?!”

I inferred this to be a rhetorical question.

“I’m going to write out a list of instructions for you, Abby, and I think I’m going to call you tomorrow to make sure you’re following them TO A TEE and not screwing it all up.”

She shut off the airbrush thingy and ordered me to dry off while she attended to her other customers. I mulled over our interaction and started to get a little pissed off because seriously?! I got dressed and marched out to the reception area, ready to stand up to this relentless abuse.

“Listen, Mariam,” I began, planning to tell her while I appreciated her ‘input’ I did not appreciate being yelled at but that the tan was looking really good. (See what I did there? It’s a Compliment Sandwich: two compliments bookending a criticism. It’s a trick for delivering unpleasant truths. I learned it from Family Guy.)

Before I could continue she cut me off, thrusting a two page pamphlet in my hand with illegible scrawls all over it, “Remember what I said about FOL-LOW-ING THE IN-STRUC-TIONS. Oh, and here’s an envelope for my tip. People are usually happy with the outcome and leave me, like, $7-$10. BYE Abby.” She looked at me, then looked pointedly at the envelope.

I feel like this is what The Today Show and People magazine are talking about when they talk about bullies. Instead of standing up for myself, I obediently took out a $10 dollar bill, placed it in the envelope, murmured a feeble “thanks” and shuffled meekly out the door.

The good news is that it was a buy-one-get-one-free situation, so I’ve got a voucher to go back for another. If anyone wants to go be Allie Baxter (NOT the one from Jersey), you are more than welcome to a free airbrush and moral smackdown with Mariam.

Cool story, Hansel. On Saturday I am going on vacation!!! The whole Baxter fam is headed to Playa del Carmen in Mexico. Weird stuff always happens when all of us travel together, so fingers crossed no one dies on my airplane! Here’s a pic of where I’ll be – it looks pretty nice. And my new phone just arrived, so I’ll be sure to document our week on Insta. BOLO for humble brags!

playa del carmen

Ok, I’ll finish the drill. For those of you still reading, here are a few external links for your reading enjoyment. Adios!

In the vein of what I mentioned last week re: my mortal fear of a subway-related death, there are also these things about which to be concerned.

You’re going to want to meet Mo, a brand new baby river otter.

This article published in the LA Times 25 years ago that predicts how things would be in the year 2013 (2013 is the year it is now – this guy got it pretty wrong).

*I always come up with the title after I write the post, and I’m only now seeing that Beach Bum Tan and BBT share the same initials. I HATE THAT PLACE.

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I asked, and then I answered

Posted by AllieB on March 13, 2013

Name: BBT

Age: I am 29 years old. In sixty-seven days I am turning thirty, and in seventy days I am having a superfab thirtieth birthday party. Join me, won’t you? Actually, it’s going to be invite only…but maybe you’ll get one. K, we’ve got a lot to talk about this weekend.

Neighborhood: West Village

Occupation: I have a job at a company and I work in an office. I like it a lot, therefore I will not disclose the name so as not to link us in any way. I’m confident they’re not at all ashamed that I work here, but better safe than sorry…who knows – maybe I work for the CIA

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional? Miranda Hobbes from Sex and the City is my favorite fictional New Yorker. I wish she was real.

miranda

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York? L’Artusi, Perilla, Pylos, the crab spring rolls in Grand Central Market…I have a new best meal like every day. Eating well is impossible to not do here

Do you give money to panhandlers? Sometimes and only when there’s music involved – like the guy who plays the accordion in the tunnel of the Bryant Park subway station during morning rush hour. And the guy on the 1 last week who was playing “Georgia On My Mind” on  his harmonica – I gave him $2.

What’s your drink? It might be easier to say what is not my drink, and that is white wine. It used to be just Chardonnay I didn’t like, but I’ve pretty much cut out all white varietals. White wine – blech

white wine

I can’t talk about wine without a shoutout to these two – see you soooon!

How often do you prepare your own meals? Eh. Once a week? I try to make something on Sunday that I can have during the week when I work late and don’t feel like making dinner…thus far I’ve accomplished this exactly zero times, so I guess when I said “once a week” just then I was fibbing. Sorry, Gaylen

What’s your favorite medication? Melatonin, maybe. Definitely not the sleeping aid my work friend gave me. Let me tell you something: when someone offers you no-name sleeping pill from Mexico and warns you to break it up into fourths, or smaller if possible, and to make sure you have a “loooooooong time” to sleep it off, it is in your best interest to decline. Trust me on this…me and Captain Obvious.

What’s hanging above your sofa? A big mirror. It is probably from West Elm

How much is too much to spend on a haircut? It depends where I am in my budget cycle. I almost walked into Great Clips the other day…Allie, NO!

When’s bedtime? Midnight

What do you hate most about living in New York? I am legitimately terrified that I’m either going to trip and fall into the path of an oncoming subway or that some loco person is going to push me.

Who is your mortal enemy? Taylor Swift; LeAnn Rimes; the dry cleaner on my corner that I swear closes when they see me coming…notably not mentioned: Hilary. Hilary is actually something of a hero today. (I’m not even going to make a remark about packing your ice skates because hell has frozen over – that’s how sincerely I mean it.)

When’s the last time you drove a car? Christmas. But I will this weekend!!! I miss driving.

#BuckheadBetty

BBiT: Buckhead Betty in Training. Hop in, y’all!

How has the Wall Street crash affected you? Yes

Where do you go to be alone? I think if you’re sans mobile device, you’re pretty much alone. I leave mine at home when I run errands sometimes. NYC can be very isolating even when you’re surrounded by peeps. I am reminded of my going away party when people kept playing “All By Myself” – kinda mean, looking back.

What makes someone a New Yorker? I don’t know the answer to this just yet…I do know this city is not for everyone, and I think you’d probably know pretty much instantly if wasn’t a good fit. Me – I knew right away that moving here was my best decision of all of my decisions. This doesn’t say much, given my history of decision-making, but it feels good to get at least one right.

The End. (Credit: NYMag 21 Questions)

Now for the other stuff:

This corgi saw himself in the mirror for the first time and I die:

mirror image_corgi

If you love Friends the TV show even half as much as I do, you will appreciate these two compilations of the best, most quotable quotes and scenes. (Part one, Part deux)

The 13 Most Annoying Questions People Ask Dogs. This is very true and accurate and funny, and I already knew that dogs hate it when they’re asked them because Missy told me ages ago. She keeps me in the loop on stuff.

 “Where’s your bone?”

The 13 Most Annoying Questions People Ask Dogs

I missed y’all last week, so I wanted to write early this week. I plan to return on Thursday. Until then!

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Roses are red, violets are blue…

Posted by AllieB on February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!! In spite of my single-person status, I’m really not some embittered anti-St. Valentine person; I mean, second only to Easter Valentine’s candy is the best, plus my bevy of Secret Admirers is sure to come thru with dozens and dozens of roses and diamond tennis bracelets…besides, Valentine’s Day is for love of all kinds, so, if you think about it, no matter who you are we all have something to celebrate today. Yeah, and mini-giraffes are real. 

Let’s open the Pandora’s Box of my Valentine’s Day history:

-in 2012 my mom made filet mignon with a crack-laced peppercorn sauce, twice baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, and homemade molten chocolate lava cakes for dessert. That > pretty much anything or anyone else you could offer me on Valentine’s Day, except maybe David Beckham/Channing Tatum/the guy in the Calvin Klein ad that’s all over the place right now. Ideally, all three…..

-in 2011 I was in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan? Allie: 1, VDay: 0

Ali/Allie Butt

Ali/Allie Butt

-I’m not sure about 2010

-same for 2009

-in 2008 I went to the Pink Pony, which makes perfect sense…pink -> Valentine’s Day. If you’re unfamiliar with the Pink Pony, best to keep it that way.

-ahh, 2007 – an epic evening at Eclipse di Luna

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely dates

Happy Valentine’s Day to my lovely dates

-jump back to 1998: a guy who I was semi talking to brought me wilted daises with an “It’s a Boy!” card because Kroger was all out of every other kind of card. This was one instance where the thought did not count at all, and nothing would have been infinitely better than something.

So. I don’t know what to say about this. I am 80% laughing, 10% not laughing, 5% nauseous looking at that picture of Hilary, and 5% very uncomfortable with the excessive amount of personal información I just shared. Whatevs – here’s how I feel about that: if you’re a little bummed about your VDay this ought to cheer you up; if you’re feeling a bit superior about your circumstances compared to my own, allow me to assure you that karma does indeed exist and is a real biatch; lastly, if you laughed because you enjoy humor at the expense of others, then it’s safe to say you’re in the right place – you know what they say about great minds thinking alike.

Hell on Earth has a new definition: 4,000 passengers have been stuck on a cruise ship without power (read: no plumbing) and no food for four days. Here’s my takeaway from this Carnival Cruise Line Horror Story that’s been in the news this week:

1. The Carpathia got to the Titanic in six hours in 1912; can someone please explain why these people were stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, a finite body of water, for four days in 2013. (I know there are some different logistics in play here, but from my uninformed  and unresearched perspective, this is completely unacceptable.)

2. Never will I ever step foot on a cruise ship again. I’ll consider a boutique liner in the Adriatic, and a yacht obviously would be fine, but that’s it…

3. The company’s idea of “compensation” for the 4,000 passengers held captive on board is seriously deluded: The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise. 

My reaction would be as follows: <slow shred of voucher to tiny little pieces; silent vow of revenge; put $500 towards Emily Thorne-esque avenger training>

Not that I was in a bad mood this morning, but I’m in a specifically good mood now. Those pandas down there are helping. And I’m wearing a pink skirt – I’m so festive!!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t have a date?
At least you’re not on that cruise ship.

Cheers to Thursday!!

bottoms up

bottoms up

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BBT’s Guide to Giving: You’re on Your Own

Posted by AllieB on December 11, 2012

To those who responded to my survey….thanks. I don’t know if it’s because I was overwhelmed by so many responses (a pleasant surprise), or because I waited longer than my usual 1.5 day turnaround before doing a post, but I’m feeling the opposite of inspired. I asked about gifts for the holidays, y’all all answered, and I’ll sum it up for you: don’t buy anyone socks, clothes for work, and don’t you DARE enroll ANYONE in a jelly of the month club. Also, three people (3 out of the 63 who participated), specifically mentioned not wanting a Nickelback CD. Look, if you’re concerned a Nickelback CD awaits you beneath the tree on Christmas morning, there are issues with which BBT cannot help. My heart goes out to the %.05 of you facing  this imminent doom. Hey, maybe the world will end on 12/21, and then you won’t even have to worry about practicing your “Omigosh I LOVE IT!” face when you open up an NB CD – fingers crossed! Let’s see, what else…I had some really wonderful answers (some of which I may filch for material in the future and claim as my own original work), but also a fair number of really dumb ones. It is possible I didn’t sense your tones, but I don’t think that’s it. Good news is – it was totally anonymous so no judgement! Just me wondering who the H I’m friends with.

Speaking of the people I am friends with, Hilary wants to show off her new Christmas sweater and would also like your help counting her chins:

Sorry your hardwork is going unrewarded…in the future, I think I’ll stick with surveys pertaining to the complex nature of relationships between males and females because that is where my expertise really kicks in. I honestly do feel badly if I’ve let you down – tell you what, if you’re really at a loss re: gift giving, or are just that curious about the results, shoot me an email and I’ll send over some highlights.

Instead of a survey, I’m going to borrow a section from my favorite weekly tabloid, UsWeekly: What’s In My Bag??

1. the bag. I just bought it, and I’m obsessed – thank you, Pinterest. I’d been looking for a new NYC bag for months, and this is perfect. LOVE.

2. umbrella. This is always in my purse when I do not need it; it’s never there when I do

3. earphones (2) – one is the new ear bud from Apple that of course doesn’t stay in my right ear any better than the old, but they suffice for a stroll; the others are the super cute kind that hook over your ear…these are for my yogs/when I am trying to lure members of the opposite sex

4. butterfly clips (9) of various sizes; two hair ties. Given the number of hair-related thingies I carry around, it’s strange if not inexcusable that I am often so unkempt

5. one day I hope to go altogether purseless like Lucy (this seems promising, given the amount of crap I carry around), but for now I’m just walletless – Metro card, *$’s card, work ID, check card, license. My new bag has a perfect place for these – wallet, schwallet.

6. Kindle. It is my most prized possession, I go no where without this thing

7. padlock. I’m currently the member of a pretty sketchy gym – I joined on a whim with a Groupon during Hurricane Sandy because I really wanted to take a shower (they were, of course, closed throughout Hurricane Sandy), and I’ve got 10 days left in my membership. I look forward to not lugging around a lock that weighs 5 lbs. Equinox, here I come.

8. the large blue pouch clearly has in it all the things that you are not allowed to see. My bag – it’s full of secrets…!

9. Vaseline (2) – obvi

10. everything else: gum, gloss, Sabre shades (possibly the most durable sunglasses on the planet), arm band for iPhone (my shuffle is on the DL right now – I hate running with the full size)

11. duh, my work Blackberry. I didn’t downgrade; I’m using my iPhone for the pic. I thought about this oversight on the subway and hurried to correct the omission. God forbid.

That was fun. Don’t you feel like you know me better? Minus all the stuff that’s in the blue pouch…curious much?

DOGS ARE DRIVING CARS. Please click thru and watch this video – even if you only watch like 15 seconds of it, for which you don’t even really need sound, this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m not making it up – source is TIME magazine, so it’s legit. Y’all know I don’t talk about vids unless it’s worth your while…plus, it’s in New Zealand and who doesn’t love the Kiwis?  Admittedly, I haven’t watched more than 39 seconds of it, but it was the best 39 seconds of anything I’ve seen in awhile…and now I’m watching it again.

I’m worried that you aren’t going to watch it – here’s a screenshot:

 I die.

THE DUCHESS IS WITH CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BBT is could not be more thrilled. What if she gives birth on my birthday??? What if I am asked to be a godparent??? She’s going to be an adorable preggo person, and I hope she gets well soon. There’ve been a lot of strange things surrounding her pregnancy thus far, and I’m not going to talk about any of them. PLUS, since Kate is with child this means I can completely ignore the fact Jessica Simpson is also – unless she starts to blow up….and here we go again.

And, in that same ALL-CAPS vein, CONGRATS to my big sister Charlotte who’s been working her a** off and has been rewarded as such – can’t wait to see what ends up happening..! And I’m happy to weigh-in where needed; I’m known for being incredibly decisive…as always, it is a pleasure being related to you.

Lastly, did I mention that I saw the van up here a few weeks ago? There she was, just chillin in Chinatown. Wherever I go, so, too, goes the van.

 

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