Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘Allie-No’

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It’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s Wine Gal

Posted by AllieB on October 6, 2011

One of my biggest flaws, I think, is my lack of creativity when it comes to costumes. I have a pretty good imagination and can be creative with other stuff – this blog doesn’t write itself – but I suck at costumes. People who do not suck at costumes: A, K, Leila, Pants, Caro…you’ve all had some remarkable ‘stumes. Case in point: two years ago I dressed up as Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused. LAME. And, to make it even lamer, I was the only person who did it so instead of SENIORS my shirt said SENIOR – senior singular. I did enjoy having that whistle…and making people fry like bacon.

Last year, as I was thinking about options, I decided that, whatever I chose to be, it had to include a cape. Who wears capes? Superheros. Somehow I landed on a “wine superhero” (probably after a great deal of wine) and yada yada yada…meet & greet WINE GAL.

Wine Gal wore all purple: purple knee socks, purple tennis skirt, purple tank bathing suit (oddly, I owned all of these things), and I bought some sparkly purple fabric to fashion a cape. Key accessories included a gold fanny pack and my weapon of choice – corkscrew, duh – and then mini bottles of wine which served as my strength serum – think Popeye and spinach. I didn’t really have a super power….unless you count the ability to consume incredible quantities of red wine as one. Which I do.

So, here we are… Once again I have no idea what to be, I only know what I don’t want to be:

-slutty nurse/waitress/maid/police officer… you can pretty much be a slutty noun. Those costumes are lame and SO obvious. PLU don’t dress up like those things, but I just wanted to reassert how not okay they are – I don’t care what you saw in Mean Girls.

-persona from current events. Apparently Charlie Sheen is trending as this year’s most popular costume. That’s really dumb.

-any kind of animal. Either you’re a slutty kitten or you wind up in some huge cow costume with icky udders. No to both. Unless you’re a dude, in which case a big goofy animal costume can be funny. Actually, guy costumes are a totally different conversation – the same rules do not apply.

-anything really ugly or scary. I’m sorry, I’m just not good at really immersing myself in a look…this might be why I’m no good at costuming. Maybe I just need to get over myself and go as Mt. Rushmore or something……A, you will forever have my respect for that mountain of an ensemble.

Fack. BOLO for Wine Gal 2.0.

*PLU = people like us.

He changed our lives and imaginations with his inventions. Check out this compilation of tributes from across the world – an “iMemorial” of Steve Jobs – worth a look.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Fashion & Football

Posted by AllieB on August 30, 2011

Sorry, I’ve been busy.

Last night, G-force and I decided to be good people and volunteer at the Jeffrey Fashion Cares event supporting Susan G. Komen for the Cure—Greater Atlanta Affiliate and the Atlanta AIDS Fund. It was on the 32nd floor of the still-not-full office building on the corner of 12th and Peachtree next to the Loews hotel and had sweeping views of the city – stunning! Our first job was to people watch man the silent auction. I observed the following observations:

  • if you can’t zip your skirt up all the way, don’t wear it. Venture up a size or maybe just avoid white stretchy satin altogether
  • TRENDING: handbags with your children’s photo silk-screened onto them. Nope. Stop that now. Ok for birthday cakes – maybe – but find another way to bring up your offspring than literally wearing them.
  • having interpretive dancers randomly seizing dancing throughout a reception can be cool, but maybe mention that in the program. One guest nearly administered CPR on the male dancer whose three-piece suit was evidently not made of a breathable fabric…it seemed like he was about to have a heat stroke.
  • Jeffrey of Jeffrey is a fabulously charming, polite, friendly, and well-dressed human
  • people – women, namely – of a certain social set, could use some pointers about dressing their age…if you’re over 60, let’s leave the Herve Leger at home, shall we….

Our second job was getting payment from people who won things in the Live Auction. This, as I know from my tenure in non-profit events, is very important. People bid, win, then skirt out before you can get money from them and then you have to stalk them down and it’s awkward and uncomfortable. Solution: divebomb them the moment the auctioneer declares, “SOLD!” One of the items was a cruise by Azamara. Yes, please. The gentleman in the center was the winner. In order to get to him, I had to claw my way over the woman seated on his right. Oh, hi, Nene. Didn’t see you there – hope I didn’t stomp all over you as I attempted to my launch my clipboard into this gentleman’s lap. If you know me at all, you already know that I definitely stomped all over her as I attempted to launch my clipboard into the gentleman’s lap. Allie….no.

Source: The Buzz.

Because I knew someone on the inside (Lacy), my mom and I were able to take home a swag bag each….holla! One week at the Exhale Spa and Gym in the Loews Hotel, a facial at Derma-Luxe, a free bottle of Sinless Margarita mix, some Kerastase products, and $25 to Three Sheets in Sandy Springs. (I actually wound up with three of those Three Sheets things…? Oops. I guess we’ll go thrice.) I’m really excited about the Exhale one, in particular…Tina, are you allowed in there still?.

I kind of missed the boat on VMA commentary – in a nutshell: Lada Gaga is a freak; Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid is already the luckiest kid in the world; Britney was waaaay underplayed; Kim Kardashian’s rear end deserves it’s own zip code/tax bracket.

Source: Go Fug Yourself

Last, and by far the most important thing I’ve said on BBT in ages: FOUR DAYS TIL FOOTBALL. I am very excited for The SCS Event on Saturday that I will be attending with 900 of my nearest and dearest. I’m really really excited about trying Melissa Fontaine’s Athens-based Hip Pops and, of course, getting my fix of carne asada from Tex’s Tacos (their schedule for the week).

GOOOOOOO DAWGS!!!!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 7 Comments »

Hey, look – gullible is written on the ceiling

Posted by AllieB on August 16, 2011

Meet & greet: the lap giraffe. At its tallest, it grows to be approximately 30 inches, or 2 feet 6 inches tall. As a bambino, it is a mere 6 inches tall. If you want to see the live cam of the farm on which they live in Russia, go here. If he’s not there, don’t worry – he come back.

 A two week old lap giraffe.

Ivanka – she is the most famous and wealthy of the lap giraffes

Per the website:

Petite Lap Giraffes are very funny animal that require special care. They need lots of love. Hugs and kisses every day. Otherwise they make tears.

Grooming: a bubble bath once a week with purified water is all they need.

In case you haven’t picked up on it, lap giraffes do not exist. But how cool would that be if they did?! Get it together, Science – I want a lap giraffe like NOW, Todd. I need two – one for me and one for my good friend, MPvZB.

I definitely fell for the hoax of the lap giraffes. I mean, I had my doubts, but they can clone and crap nowadays, so why can’t they have miniature giraffes…it was when I got to the pictures of Ivanka that I was like, “waaaaaaait a second…” I believe anything you tell me can always discern fact from fiction…and make use of the helpful web page, Snopes. And tap into the wonder they call “common sense.”

I blame Tuesday for this momentary lapse of judgement. Tuesdays and Hilary are always to blame for my mishaps.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Ruminations Part Deux: Help.

Posted by AllieB on January 12, 2011

I’ve just woken up from my afternoon nap (today it was more like an early evening nap), and I feel very well-rested. Having slept for 12 hours each of the last 24, I feel really very clear headed and wise. A tad sluggish, but getting back on the BBT horse earlier helped a bit – these posts don’t write themselves, you know.

Right before my nap, I was on Facebook, hitting refresh on my mini-feed and waiting for some sort of exciting information to pop up. It didn’t. Then, I saw it – on the bottom right hand corner of my page…Facebook Chat. It’s omnipresent with its grey dot, but I obviously never, EVER sign on the thing. I strayed towards it on my mouse pad, weighing the pros and cons as I got closer and closer….

ALLIE – NO!

Luckily, I was able to stop myself in time. I marched straight over to the carpet and knocked out a few sit-ups, punishing myself for such a near-miss. Facebook Chat?!? Never will I ever. Then I took Max outside and we both nearly bit ass on the sheet of ice that is the driveway. The shock of cold air did us both some good, and we came in revitalized and refreshed – in other words, in perfect shape for a nap.

Another lesson in poor judgement that I almost executed earlier was the purchase of some Pajama Jeans. I was watching some riveting daytime television when the ten minute infomercial came on…intrigued, I moseyed over to the website to do some more research – I mean, what a great idea: the comfort of some pj pants combined with the style and fit of my fave pair of designer jeans! And, what’s this: a free grey crewneck T that I get to keep even if I return my Pajama Jeans?! Sold. There’s no way these are too good to be true.

ALLIE – NO!

I think we can all agree these bad boys – genius as the premise is and as reasonable a price – are indeed too good to be true. Great for loungewear, maybe, but not so much in public. There’s one woman riding a bike in hers on the informercial – I guess they could be okay for that, too, and maaaaybe for a Sunday trip to the grocer…but probably leave them at home on your next dinner date.

So, a couple of close calls today…fingers crossed I venture out tomorrow. In fact, hopefully upon reading this those with mobile mobiles will be so concerned about my sanity they will come to get me, ignoring my insistence that they not put themselves at risk. Plenty of people have offered to fetch me, I would like to note, but it didn’t seem worth it….rest assured, I’ll be singing a different tune tomorrow.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Please stop talking. Also, FREE Chick-fil-A!

Posted by AllieB on December 21, 2010

I just left a happy birthday message for my bestest Juan (happy birthday, JohnnyT!), and, as I was hanging up the phone, I noticed that the call timer was over one minute. I wondered, what on earth did I just say to him for one minute?! The answer: nothing good.

Without any kind of response or barrier, just wide open talking time, things can get really out of hand. My thoughts – which are scattered at best – come out in this mindless drivel that is tedious for the message recipient and outright embarrassing for the message leaver (me).

I recall another message I left my buddy Miguel (strange that the two people I have thus far mentioned have names that are easily translated to Spanish – even stranger that, come to think of it, I actually took Spanish with each of these individuals…) pertaining to a lunch date.

“Michael, it’s Allie. I am calling in reference to our lunch date. I was thinking we might go to Jalisco because it is my favorite place to have Mexican food. We should absolutely get a cheese dip, and I will probably act like I am deciding between a beef soft taco and a cheese quesadilla, but I will ultimately end up ordering both. I hope you call me back before 11 because I am very hungry and you know what happens when I get hungry – my blood sugar drops and I get really cranky. I should probably have a snack now, just in case you don’t call me back before 11. I wonder what I’ll have…maybe some peanut butter crackers…”

And that’s just the part I remember. Ew, it’s even worse seeing it written out like that. Oh GOD what if these people are READING their voicemails via iPhone/Blackberry app or Google Voice?! I’m cringing as I type. The lesson here is clear: after four rings – five, max – hang up the phone.

I went to my first White Elephant Christmas party/gift exchange last night, hosted by Talbott and attended by ten or so. I’m still not entirely sure I understand the premise. Everyone brings an elaborately wrapped gift – I suppose the point is that you want people to choose your gift –  but then people can opt to steal the gift you’ve chosen or open their own gift…and then the person whose gift gets stolen is then given the opportunity to steal another’s gift. Oh. I guess I do get it. Perhaps I’m just not that thrilled with the whole deal because someone STOLE my gift. To the grinch who yanked my bottle o’ red and grapefruit hand cream from Woo: I am not happy.

Lastly – you’re welcome (credit: MPvZB)

http://www.getspicychicken.com/

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

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