Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘Allie-No’

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Stuff No One Thinks About Except Me

Posted by AllieB on September 3, 2015

*barked while my Sweet Corn and Zucchini Pie bakes

Oh hello. How was your summer?

Mine was uneventful – I took night classes at a depressing Kaplan center in Midtown West to brush up on quadratics and other maths, and I have no tanlines to speak of, but we did hike Machu Picchu in May! Make sure that’s on your bucket list – it’s as amazing as all the pictures suggest. And, while you can do it in one day by taking a train up, it is quickly turning into an overrun tourist madhouse and we actually preferred the hiking part over the site itself – you know what they say about the journey vis a vis the destination. Should you opt for the train you will still get your scenery shots, but your experience will undoubtedly be marred by tourists. People, it turns out, are generally the worst. We did a three night hike to get there, and it was not easy, but it was awesome, and everything about the way REI organized and executed all that goes into taking a group of 9 silly Americans on a treacherous hike through the Inca Trail was amazingly well done. BBT gives it all the stars. If you would like to know more…I wrote a review on the REI website because of course I did – posted here (it’s the first one by “notahiker1”).

peru

Clockwise from top left: dancing with my new non-scary clown friend; Christmas Card 2k15; there she is – notahiker1; dawn’s filtered light over Mt Salcantay; day 5 in a row for those clothes/that hair; MP from the Sun Gate; not from the trip – that is the aforementioned Corn & Zucchini Pie, it’s delicious and there’s no pie crust or mayo so it’s basically kale

Insider Tip: if you’re packing for a camping trip in the Andes when you’ve never been on a camping trip in the Andes, it’s smart to pay special attention to what the packing list suggests. Also, when the forecast calls for freezing temps at night, it’s wise not to assume you’ll “be fine” with whatever you “tossed in” and tell those who warn against this sound reasoning that “it’s never as cold as they say it’s going to be” ALLIE BAXTER DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST WINTER anyway… I was a little chilly.

Stuff No One Thinks About Except Me:

I heart Spotify. I pay $9.99/month for the premium subscription, and it’s by far my favorite music app. I signed up for the three month trial of Apple Music and did not like it one bit – it’s confusing and not user friendly and I need to cancel that before I start getting charged. Sometimes, after I’ve reached the end of the internet, I will check out my Recently Played List – both mine and other people’s; if someone has a list of 10 EDM artists, you know they had a slightly different weekend than the person who’s been tuning into Soothing Study Songs…it’s sort of a Peeping Tom of tunes. And that’s #notcreepyatall. Let’s see what mine says about me, according to me.

spotify

I feel like I just invited you to rifle through the drawers of my bedside table…whatever - judge away, GlassHouseDwellingStoneThrowers.

Should I get an Apple Watch?

Decision pending further research.

I’m doing ClassPass. 

The neat thing about ClassPass is how you can really have some fun with your fitness…did I just say “fun with fitness”? I’ve gone now to two boot camp classes at Evolve Fitness. Evolve Fitness is on the 3rd floor of a pre-school school on 52nd and 3rd, but don’t let the makeshift appearance fool you because Kenny and Norberto are not messing around. You’re there to work, and, in my case, wow people with my brute strength. Last week Kenny had us do a rigorous segment of push-ups, of which I can do zero. I tried to explain this to him, that I wasn’t being lazy but I honestly can’t do full push-ups…

Me: Kenny, I think it’s best if I start with the knees, I can’t do them the real way

Kenny: You’re new here, so I won’t yell at you, but NO. ALL THE WAY DOWN and ALL THE WAY UP

Me: What about injuries?

Kenny: You’re gonna hurt yourself doing a push-up?

Me: Kenny, I really might. I’ll do extra kettle swings!

Kenny: Let me see you try at least one. <He watched in what was first amazed then what I inferred to be disgusted silence> Go do kettle swings.

I think I lost some of his respect, but when I showed up to class a second time this week Kenny gave me a nod of recognition and nicely averted his eyes and left me alone during the push-up segments, so I assume we reached a truce to agree to disagree.

Sidebar: the whole push-up/gym teacher judgment exchange was sounding a little familiar, so I did a little past-post-perusing and….this is embarrassing – I had almost the exact same conversation with Rico, my cardio-sculpt instructor, in February 2013. How sad.

Football is BACK

Nick Chubb for Heisman!!!

This video is amazing; what a beast. How many push-ups do you think Chubbatron can do?

The End.

**Don’t get too excited – it still looks like a hot mess – but I updated my book list. Traveling this weekend? Take a look and find a book!

***I just inadvertently quoted Reading Rainbow…now THAT is sad.

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That moment when…

Posted by AllieB on April 9, 2015

That moment when you look at your public blog page on Facebook and realize you actually look like a crazy person:

completely insane

I bet Scott and Tom would just be really flattered if they saw these – flattered and appreciative of my craftiness in Microsoft Word, probably.

And this gem from 2011 that I made myself of myself:

BBT as kate

I wonder if straight jackets come in navy or like a charcoal color? I don’t have the tan to pull off white right now.

For more psychotic renderings like these, follow BBT on FB!

I’m not sure if I’m just totally cool with how batsh*t bonkers I look, or if it’s more that I think I’m so sane I can pull off the occasional foray to LocoTown. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. Either way, I think we can all agree I should’ve been a graphic designer.

Anyhoo, moving along:

~ we asked and FINALLY they listened: there’s going to be a new podcast delving into the unsolved case featured on the first installment of Serial about Adnan Syed and the murder of Hae Min Lee – it’s not on Serial and Sarah Koenig won’t have anything to do with it, but two lawyers who worked with the original team are working on it, plus the lawyer who brought the whole case to light in the first place, Adnan’s cousin Rabia. (Note: I personally think Rabia is a little nuts, but the addition of the two Serial lawyers ups the credibility of the venture.) WE JUST WANT TO  KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

~ update your phone to iOS 8.3 for new, politically correct emojis. That’s great and all, but where are the block of cheese, the taco, and the fingers-crossed sign? Or, if you’re my bud JT, different wine varietals? I will say, the scrolling mechanism is vastly improved.

new emojis

I mean, it took me two minutes to add those three emoji and I was using Microsoft Word (obvs), so these techie “geniuses” really have no excuse.

~ book recommendation: A Friend of the Family. I read this awhile ago, but I saw it on my Kindle the other day and remembered how much I enjoyed it. Per Amazon:

Pete Dizinoff, a skilled and successful New Jersey internist, has a loving and devoted wife, a network of close friends, an impressive house, and, most of all, a son, Alec, now nineteen, on whom he has pinned all his hopes. But Pete hadn’t expected his best friend’s troubled daughter to set her sights on his boy. When Alec falls under her spell, Pete sets out to derail the romance, never foreseeing the devastating consequences.

~ I think I should go to business school…

~ I didn’t mention weather ONCE in this entire post.

~ IG account of the week: The Masters, duh. #teamAdam #yeahweknow

Ok, I’m done – short and sweet and to no point. TGIT!

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

You don’t know until you know

Posted by AllieB on March 12, 2015

Oh, hello readers. I know it’s been a minute, but up until very recently I’ve been completely miserable and amid the throes of a serious bout of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder is not a joke; it is real), and my inability to talk about anything but my misery mandated a brief BBT hiatus. But that’s all in the past, there’s no more sludge – I will literally (not literally) kill someone if the sludge comes back, and I learned I am my own hero and my super power is getting out of bed. Join me as we move on from actual hell on earth winter and embrace the joyful pleasures of spring.

It’s always hard for me to jump back in after a lengthy absence, so I’ll go the way of the listicle; I love a listicle with lots of links.

~ I do not love emails from non-humans and have spammed every daily or weekly or even monthly newsletter I’ve ever tried – with two exceptions: The Skimm and, as of last week, The Lead. We’ve discussed The Skimm 100x why do you never listen to me, and The Lead is like a Skimm but for sports only. I like these guys – here’s a partial shot of today’s email:

The Lead

it’s like zing! but also yeah – that is a fair question

Remember kids: knowing stuff is kewl.

~ I am a published photographer!! I never aspired to be a photographer, but now that I am, I’d like to thank my family and friends for all their support…and Camera Plus for their advanced filtering mechanism, and Instagram for allowing me to add filters on top of filters.

Tribeca Citizen

I posted this stunningly artistic and evocative cityscape on Instagram last week, and they asked if they could post on the site. So that’s how that happened.

The below is from a BBT draft that I’d been half-heartedly working on over the last days of Feb/first few of March, and you can see I was not joking about my fragile state – I think this is what they call “spiraling.” Sheesh.

Morale is low. I recall saying, I think it was early January, the following:

<sips wine, touches hair> “Y’all, I don’t think winter’s going to be that bad. I just don’t. It’s already January and it hasn’t snowed yet, plus last winter was beyond awful, and I read some article that said it’s only really bad every other year…so, right? It’s going to be fine!”

Oh really, Allie. REALLY. I need to leave weather to the professionals and stick with what I know, like watching tv or internet trolling (wanna hang out?) – instead I planted this ill-conceived notion of a balmy winter in my head, so when February hit and wound up being the coldest month since 1934, I didn’t handle it well. I’m not handling it well. I’m starting to lose it. Actually, I think it’s already been lost.

Silver lining: new winter boots for BBT!!

My new boots are already stained by the sludge. I hate everything. Send help.

I know it’s cold everywhere blah blah blah but it’s different up here and you don’t know until you know.

Girlfriend needed a chill pill and a trip to Mexi. DO NOT LET ME FORGET TO GO TO MEXICO NEXT YEAR.

death to the puffer jacket

Baxter, out.

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There are no small victories: BBT by the numbers

Posted by AllieB on April 10, 2014

Minus 10 points for missing last week – I don’t even have a good excuse and it will probably happen again, but I’m here today which I’d say is a victory – and not a small one because there are no small victories. Lots of exciting stuff going on: instead of using a standard bullet format to organize my thoughts, I am breaking them down by the numbers. And if that’s not enticing enough, there’s a really cool surprise when you get to the end…

24: 24 hours til I’m poolside in the Panhandle.

3: Three different sales people Pretty Woman’ed me at Bergdorf’s on Monday. I ordered something from Neiman Marcus online, and I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like the idea of waiting 14 days for my refund (there’s no Neiman’s in NYC), so I gave Customer Service a call and learned I could return my item to Bergdorf’s. Awesome! B-dorf’s is 10 blocks from my office. Things got a lot less awesome upon arrival – I totally get now how lousy Julia Roberts-as-prostitute felt when she went to that store and those bitchy ladies wouldn’t help her.

Sidebar Rant: I think there’s a required seminar all these employees attend where they learn how to make you feel like crap. First and foremost: the signature Eye Rake – this move actually has the same effect as that machine in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids except it shrinks your soul.  Anyone who is not toting an ostrich Prada bag or hasn’t had at least four plastic surgery procedures is subject to the Eye Rake wherein the sales associate rakes their eyes up and down your person, pausing to raise a single brow at especially offensive attire or accessories, such as a pair of Tom’s. Once they’ve robbed you of all self-worth, the employee will purse their lips in a smirky duckface and then, with a hugely exaggerated roll of their eyes, might they deign to answer whatever question you dared ask.

Perhaps one day I’ll go back in carrying not one but three Prada ostrich bags having spruced myself up with a face, brow, eye, boob, AND butt lift, then glide around with my nose in the air waving wads of cash saying, “Big mistake, huge.” Yeah….yeah.

I digress. Someone finally told me where to return the stupid dress, and I got my dollaz back in 48 hours. Mission: accomplished.

2: I’ve made two tomato pies in the last two weeks. Have you heard of the tomato pie diet? It’s all the rage – little known fact: mayonnaise and flaky pie crust are actually power foods.

tomato pie

4: I recently bought a pack of classes to Barry’s Bootcamp aka Torture Chamber Where You Pay $$$$ To Be Yelled At Then Almost Vomit. I’ve gone to four of them. Four is also the number of days since I’ve been able to stand up or sit down without crying a little.

0: I have successfully walked into the Men’s room zero times this week! Two weeks ago I moved up several floors to a new office, and the layout is literally identical to where I was with one exception: the men’s room is where the women’s room was, and vice versa. While I feel really good about my literacy and ability to identify the universal signs for MALE and FEMALE, I still find myself walking towards the wrong door…

5: …and last week I actually did walk thru the wrong door. Five times :(

2011: back in August 2011 the PGA Championship was at the Atlanta Athletic Club. I went to an early round and discovered the physical specimen that is Adam Scott. I spent much of the day stalking tracking his progress and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt our “connection” – it was palpable. Adam definitely needs another green jacket. What a smokeshow.

BBT and Adam Scott

See something you like, Adam? I think he might be jealous of my traps #hoss #mustbetheangle

19: Valeria, the human Barbie, has a 19 inch waist and maintains her inhuman proportions by way of plastic surgery and subsisting on an “air and light” diet. She’s freaking me the EFF OUT. Read more about how cool and normal she is in this GQ article. (Credit: Hilary.)

human barbie valeria

That’s a real person.

39: 39 Things That Only Girls Growing Up in the 80’s Would Get. This gave me almost physical pangs of nostalgia…Caboodles! Lip Smackers! Side pony’s! I actually still like a side pony…(credit: A)

23: So this what they mean by “heaven on earth” – the Annual Lobster Rumble on June 5 in NYC showcases 23 lobster rolls from 23 restaurants across the US, and I, the event attendee, am tasked to taste them all and choose a winner. Holy sh*t. There goes my “one lobster roll per year” rule. That was a really dumb rule anyway.

I was lying about the cool surprise – thought I’d lose you when I started talking about my “standard bullet format.” Thanks for reading!

I’m PCB-bound for a calm and relaxing wedding weekend with only a couple friends – we’ll go to bed early and there will be no dancing, especially not to Mustang Sally.

Spring is here!!!! TGIT!

Bryant Park 1And one day, not too far from now, those trees might even grow some leaves…

 Take a minute and count your blessings today. I say that in all sincerity.

 

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What Not To Do – Just In General, Vol XVII

Posted by AllieB on February 20, 2014

Hi! It’s still winter.

Few things are ever as they seem – especially thru the veil of social media. This is good to remember on, say, Valentine’s Day when Susie McSucksALot posts 10000 pictures of the sweet things her “main man” (CAN WE NOT) did for her. What Sus is not telling us is that last week her “Prince Charming” went to happy hour with his bros and somehow wound up in Vegas where he gambled away their life savings and was found in a compromising position with a burlesque showperson of an undetermined gender. Perhaps SusieQ needs to quit posting things on social media and focus on her relationship with this “dreamboat” – ya heard?

Besides, anyone can put things online and act like they’re real.

BBT and TomB

Some things, however, are exactly as they seem and allow for no alternative interpretations. Case in point: subway etiquette. There are no grey areas when it comes to protocol on the subterranean railway, and adherence to these rules is a very important part of living here. The rules are as follows: 1. avoid unnecessary contact, 2. don’t eat foods that require a utensil, and 3. silence is golden. I hope y’all know I would never eat a cup of yogurt on the subway or play the Les Mis soundtrack on full blast, but the first…well, I think you can guess where I’m going with this.

Re my daily commute: I take the 1 or the 2/3 trains home – they run on parallel tracks, the 1 is local, the 2/3 are express. If I am in the midst of a good book and feel like sitting, I take the local;  if I want full body contact with 5 strangers at a time and wish to get home in 8 minutes, I take the express.

Last night, I opted for the former. I stepped in the empty-ish car and honed in on the most prized seat: the one at the end of the row with empty seats beside it. There was a man sitting a few feet down, but he seemed fine where he was – headphones in, bobbing along to the song – I don’t think he even realized the train had stopped. I claimed the spot with a pointed look and made my way to what was now, as far as I was concerned, my seat.

As one does when sitting, I turned around and I sat. I’ll admit, it was more of a “plop” than a “perch,” so when I came down not on the orange plastic seat, but in the lap of the man who, seconds previous, had been sitting several seats away, there was no denying contact: I, Allie, was on top of him, Male Stranger on Subway. Evidently, said “Male Stranger” was actually a Seat Ninja.

subway fail

I’ve never been known for my cat-like reflexes (true story: I used to intentionally move my leg when the doctor tapped my knee because it never seemed to do anything on its own…forget “cat-like” I’ll settle for just “reflexes”), but I bolted up so quickly I was able to get off the subway right as the doors closed and it pulled away, taking with it the stranger in whose lap I’d just sat. I didn’t even get a chance to hear or see how the guy reacted, which I think is an undeniable indication that miracles are real and they happen every day.

This whole spectacle lasted no more than four seconds, but I can’t stop replaying it in slo-mo in my head. You know how when you remember horrible, embarrassing things you’ve done and you involuntarily blush and cringe reliving them? That’s happened like 10 times since last night.

To the Male Stranger on Subway: I am sorry I sat in your lap. Should I put this on the Craigslist “Missed Connections” page?

I know. Between that and the standing stranger embrace last week, it almost seems as though I’m intentionally doing this… I’m not, but I could see how you might think so. What’s next – an inadvertent elevator kiss?? Jesus. Stay tuned.

In other news….

– J Simps looks great! You go, gurl.

– If you are sick of reading thought-provoking literature like I am, indulge in this: Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty. Three sisters – triplets, actually – deal with life at age 33 in Sydney. It’s a step up from totally trashy chick lit, and it’s a nice break from War and Peace.

– This:

bob costas fnl

Ok, the end. If you’ve learned anything today, I hope it’s that I’m really good at photoshop and drawing.

*Volumes I – XVI of “what not to do” can be found in any number of previous posts. In fact, I was thinking I might rename BBT “What Not To Do, Just In General.”

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