Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘a little rude and a little breezy’

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Marla Hooch: What a Hitter

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2013

It’s not easy doing this – being strung along by the promise of awesomeness and glory, the sweet taste of victory in attainable, if-we-just-make-this-play reach…you know where I’m going with this: such is the life of a Georgia sports fan. I don’t know why the sports gods decided to screw so badly with our heads and hearts this year, but it was not fair. We rose up across the nation, and to no avail. It really sucks.

I pondered this at late nights on occasion in ATL, but now that I’ve moved up here and find myself walking and listening to music simultaneously I think about it a lot: what would my walk-out song be if I were a Braves player? What would blare over the loudspeakers to announce my presence as I sauntered/swaggered to home plate? Don’t scoff, I’m serious. This week my choice is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, specifically at the 2:00 mark. Next week it might be DMX or Nicki Manaj…but this week it’s LZ.

Sister, yours would be “I’m a Loser Baby” by Beck.

loser

Thank you, Marla Hooch, for taking the time to share your thoughts on BBT today. You probably won’t be invited back.

And now, for the weather. It is soul-crushingly cold in NYC this week.  I’ve heretofore never experienced this kind of chill, where you’re in physical agony after two minutes outside, even when you’re APPROPRIATELY dressed. Never was I ever appropriately dressed in Atlanta. Rain, cold, snow – I just suffered for the 10 second walk to my car and wore backless shirts year round whatever I pleased. Today I am wearing leg warmers seriously, without any irony. I purchased them at American Apparel for a dress-up engagement party (great idea, btw, highly recommend a costume-required engagement party), and I am wearing them today with boots. Y’ALL IT IS COLD. Normally I like to take a stroll during lunch, but this week all I’ve done is take a stroll to the lobby to meet my Seamless delivery dude. People aren’t meant to live like this; I need a full-length mink. Buff, send me yours, I need it more than you do.

so emo

#swaddled #slightlyfurrowed #lusciouslocksthankstoEquinox #thatrhymes #lesmissoundtrack

If I look pissed it’s because I am. It was one degree this morning. ONE DEGREE. Hilary said it best: “That’s not a temperature. A temperature is like 65. Or 85. 1 is like how many pizzas I’d like today. Not a temperature.” Agreed. And now I’ll be ordering pizza for lunch. UPDATE: I went with sushi.

In celeb news…There are few things I love more and am better at handling than being proven wrong. I definitely don’t like to be right all the time, and I’m happy to accept another’s assertion of truth over my own. I trust you all sensed my tone. However, sometimes facts are facts, and I just have to go with it - case in point: this photo of T Swizzle. I’ve called her boring, lame, and even Taylor “what’s that? I just fell asleep” Swift, but she looked pretty smoke at The People’s Choice Awards a couple of weeks ago…not bad, T Swizz, not bad at all.

taylor-swift

This doesn’t mean I like you, but it might mean I recently purchased your newest single. Speaking of celebs! I saw Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef at Raoul’s on Saturday night. She is stunning but would be even more so if she wiped that snarky smirk off her face – she did not look like someone I want to be friends with. I’m really killing it with my celeb sightings.

So, this happened: a couple of Saturdays ago, before the Apocalypse and you could go outside without 18 layers of clothing, I was sitting in Union Square enjoying a nice cup of hot cider from one of the vendors at the park’s Farmers Market, reading my Kindle. I was early meeting people for brunch/lunch, so I sat for a sec, enjoying the mild temp and pleasantly quiet day. OR SO I THOUGHT.

“Hello, excuse me, hi.” The man’s voice startled me, and I sloshed my cider. Annoyed, I was all set to pull my usual avoid-and-ignore move, but I decided to do things differently – I was just a girl, sitting in the park, drinking some hot cider, why couldn’t I have a normal conversation with him.

“Yes, hi,” I responded with a half-smile. A HALF-SMILE!

“Do you mind if I sit down?” Before I could answer, he sat down right next to me – right next to me when I was surrounded by empty benches. My half-smile began to waiver.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked eagerly as he leaned towards me, effectively violating any and all social mandates re: personal space.

“My name is Allie…” I said while I adjusted my position, trying to communicate that he was about six inches closer than what was already too close.

“OH I KNEW IT! I knew your name would be something like Allie!!” What does that even mean? “My name is Alex. But I bet you could have guessed that. Alex and Allie!”

“Yeah, I don’t know that I could have…”

“But who knows? Right? That’s why I just love this f*ckin city. So, Allie, I think we should hang out sometime…” At this point, I started gathering my things – I really did try and be friendly because hey, why not, but he was putting out a weird-and-getting-weirder vibe and he also looked like Voldemort’s rat-like sidekick. I’d had enough.

they weren't identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

they weren’t identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

He began to protest: “Wait, you’re not leaving! You didn’t even get to hear what I was going to say! I was going to say I wanted to hang out with you and your FRIENDS. Not just YOU! I bet you’ve got cute friends. You can set me up!”

This was too much. “You want to hang out with my friends? You’re using me to get to my friends? Whom you’ve never met? And you want me to make the introduction?” I know I sounded a little incredulous, but this guy was the worst. Plus he was wearing some kind of unpleasantly odorous cologne that was 100% AXE Body Spray, or possibly its generic version. No gracias.

“Sure, why not. Maybe they are nicer than you. Maybe THEY would want to hang out sometime.”

I sensed Alex’s teasing/pouting act was a quick stop on the way to TemperTown, so I bade him farewell and got to to brunch/lunch 20 mins early. I thought I did okay for a first attempt at random conversation with someone whom I initially had wanted to run away from. Another one of my non-resolutions is to, eventually, retire my Flat-Face as it pertains to meeting members of the opposite sex. This will be my Everest.

Did you notice how this kind of read like a newscast? Sports, weather, celeb stuff, wrapping up with a human interest story…  #notmybestwork

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Bad writing, fine dining, and kids that are rich

Posted by AllieB on August 22, 2012

I posted last week about the UGA student who wrote an allegedly satirical column on how to find that perfect husband in college. A lot of people hadn’t seen it before, and a lot of people had comments – is she serious, is this a joke, please tell me this is not real, etc. Ever the diligent journalist, I delved deeper and tried to ascertain just what exactly the author was trying to achieve. Turns out she wrote a follow-up article entitled, “Writer of ‘How to find perfect husband in college’ reveals true nature of column”, and now I really can’t stand her. She opens with:

To all who do not understand satire…

I quit reading after that, so I guess I’ll never know what she was trying to accomplish, and, frankly, I’m unsure I have the capacity to care less. The last thing a contested writer needs to do is condescend those who deigned to read her material. I’m not a moron, and I, for the most part, tend to catch on pretty quick, and it was in no way clear to me that she was being funny – and that’s me playing real fast and loose with the word “funny.”

Puppy break!

In light of my imminent departure, I’ve made a concerted effort to make the most of Atlanta and all of its delights. Read: I’ve been going out to eat a lot. I’m kind of embarrassed about that “bucket list” I posted several weeks back re: things I wanted to do before I left. Surely I know better than to announce plans of intention on BBT – they so rarely pan out, and then I look like I don’t follow through on stuff. Which, whether or not that’s true, would be a moot issue if I didn’t open my big mouth in the first place. I don’t prefer announcing plans to people – some might argue this would hold you to keeping them, others (moi) might say mind your own beeswax. So, about dining out:

Bistro Niko: Just a really excellent meal of food. I got the steak frites with both the bernaise and the maitre d’hotel butter (obviously) and it was nothing short of decadent. It’s a happening place, Bistro Niko is. Also, when I was younger my barometer of gauging a restaurant’s “cool factor” was the bathroom: the bathrooms at BN are pretty tight. BBT says: I liked it before, but – if I were sticking around – I could see it becoming a real go-to.

The Optimist: I’m sick of talking about The Optimist. It’s great, and if you haven’t been you should go, but can we please stop talking about it.

Big Ketch: I could likely survive a good long while off their hush puppies. I still haven’t had anything else on the menu. Do, however, beware of patrons taking a mid-meal snooze on the patio…this really happened, I snapped the pic myself. Man down; lock it up; where are her friends she’s passed out in her chair.

Grindhouse Killer Burgers: Hell yes. This place rocks – it is currently my favorite of the burger places. I got an Apache Turkey burger (pepper jack cheese, grilled onions, and green chiles), and it was awesome. I might go back again before I go.

Flip Burger: Meh. I’m kind of over Mr. Blais.

All of these places, of course, are listed on the spreadsheet with pertinent info.

Blog of the Week: Rich Kids of Instagram (credit: Lia)

Actual photo caption: Matching… #Ferrari #inmylivingroom #oneofushas2change #hamptons #NBD

 To give you just a little bit of perspective, this is my last Instagram:

 Actual photo caption: My two loves: 32 oz of beverage and a royal compact. Best gift ever @carriewyatt!

Suddenly my two loves seem…inadequate. At least I’m not a total d-nozzle; I, for one, am able to dress myself with the utmost confidence that I will in no way resemble my Ferrari. This guy’s totally bush league.

Hope you’re doing something happy on this happiest of hump days – I intend to.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Chicken wings and truth bombs: because that’s what BBT does

Posted by AllieB on January 26, 2012

While I appreciate what this flowchart (I LOVE FLOWCHARTS) is trying to do, it has one fatally egregious error that I cannot get past. See if you can spot it (credit: Julia)

No? I’ll tell you. There is no mention – nary a one – of condiments. HelLO the best part about wings is the blue cheese (or ranch) dressing. Well, maybe not the best part, but a very significant perk – for me, wings are the vehicle that justifies consuming inappropriate amounts of BC dressing…and, for the record, my wing personality is Maple Chipotle Hot Wings. I totally saw that coming. This did get me excited for the Super Bowl. Often overshadowed by more popular foodie holidays, such as Thanksgiving, the Super Bowl is a great day to take advantage of one of my favorite food groups: glorified bar food. I’m not above a good mozzarella stick (Treehouse has excellent ones), but I’m all about trying a gourmet wing. Who’s organizing/cooking/hosting this year??

Thursday! Thursday is one of my favorite days of the week and also a great day for lists – like this one about stuff for which I was thankful. Today I share with you things that I know to be true… No gray (grey?) areas – just black and white truth bombs.

  • if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck…newsflash: it’s a duck
  • you really do have to drive 25 mph Peachtree Battle Ave – there is always a cop with a radar gun
  • change is hard…
  • doing a full minute wall sit is harder
  • if you think the rules of personal space apply to the table situation at the Peach Starbucks, well…you’d be wrong.
  • Carrie Bradshaw is a whiny narcissist
  • puppies will always make you feel better…cookie dough will, also
  • it is very validating to have double digit re-pins on Pinterest
  • age is nothing but a number…
  • I really am concerned about America’s youth – kids these days: their clothes, attitudes, everything…what a bunch of brats
  • if you think that cute, slightly older gentleman the next table over is smiling at you, well…you’d be wrong again – he’s smiling at his bratty daughter and his perfect looking wife, who are walking over to join him
  • red wine = friend. Also, foe.
  • how HOW is it still January!?
  • I’ll have what Hoda and Kathie Lee are having

Welp, that was random. Keep it real, ya heard?

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

Enlighten me.

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2011

Forget my lame suggestion of ties yesterday, if you’re willing to fork over $750, THIS is what you should buy the guy in your life:

It’s The BEASTIE BOYS! Per NYMag: Packaged in a handsome metal box are three eleven-inch dolls — fully poseable! — each with their own stands, white jumpsuits, goggles, work boots, and safety vests. (Who knew these rebels were OSHA compliant?) Tossed in for good measure is the two-disc deluxe version of their Sounds of Science. Yes, at $750 it’s a bit pricey for a meta-gift, but proceeds from all sales are split between two charities that benefit kids with cancer.

Fully poseable?! Who could pass. You’re welcome.

For this week’s Confounding Conundrum, I share with you the pictorial comparison below. Shown are two women: both are approximately 5’2″ and share the same thick trunk/shoulder/no-neck body type; both are five months pregnant.

And I guess the similarities end there, because evidently Hillary Duff is giving birth to a newborn human, whereas Jessica Simpson is giving birth to Shaq. I do wish that Hillary had on tights or a longer skirt, but for the most she looks pretty great. And it’s not that Jessica looks bad, per se, it’s that she still has FOUR MONTHS TO GO. This begs the question – what on earth is she growing in there?

I am reminded of the classic film, Men in Black. Rookie agent, Will Smith, is new on the job and is innocently helping a woman he believes to be human deliver her child. Everything is going as well as it could be, when BOOM!

Squid baby.

All I’m saying is: if I were Eric What’s-His-Face, I’d stick out the delivery in the waiting room, just to be safe.

Happy Birthday to BOBBY! BBT hearts you. XX

Take it easy and just be breezy. Yours in ridicule,

Baxter Bark Twice

LEST I FORGET: My friend Helen’s biz, H&H Home, will be featured as part of One Kings Lane’s signature Tastemaker Tag Sale series:  One Kings Lane will be offering our vintage and one-of-a-kind items at up to 50% off retail, starting TONIGHT, December 1st at 6:00 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Our Collection includes a curated assortment of newly finished, never-before-seen items hand-selected by H&H Home. To learn more, and preview the collection, visit www.handhhome.com. To join One Kings Lane and shop OUR sale, go to https://www.onekingslane.com/sales/12418 

ALSO: Scout for the Home is open til 8 tonight and will be serving wine. Scout is a great place to buy smaller items for the home/gifts…think mothers, sisters, friends and the like.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

That is brand new information.

Posted by AllieB on July 27, 2011

Newsflash! Kristen Cavallari and Jay Cutler broke up…that’s actually sad – he seems normal and she’s less annoying now that I only read her tweets and never have to hear her speak. Plus she just did a photo shoot of her in all these wedding dresses…ok, everyone has seen SATC: don’t do a PHOTO SHOOT featuring you in a wedding dress before your wedding. Counting chickens, jumping guns, etc…tabloids are brutal, aren’t they: “TRAGIC wedding dress photos.” Ouch. At least she looks really pretty…

Oh, it’s not such a newsflash, People has been reporting this since Monday. Well, no one told me.

I don’t like doing current events, even of the celebrity ilk…but I do like saying “Newsflash!”

I was on a run this morning, and I had a random thought that interrupted my counting (I don’t listen to music, I count – it’s good practice): maybe Casey Anthony didn’t drown my puppy, but it is really insane that she is serving zero days in jail. I mean, I know that is like the opposite of a newsflash, but it’s very troubling to me. CCHaynes – did you see her in the Caribb?? I hope I run into her somewhere; I would call Leila Ann Nancy Grace immediately.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m considering a switch from The Today Show to Good Morning America. Ann Curry is the WORST morning host ever, from her “joking” about slang for “breasts” (as awk as it sounds) to her interview with the most recent Congressional of Medal Honor winner: upon hearing his incredible story she succinctly and sensitively said, “Amazing. Pretty darn amazing.” I could do better than that…Kathie Lee could do better than that.

Word of the day:

hoary (adj)

-tedious from familiarity; stale

-ancient

-grey or white with age

That mean old witch puts the ‘hoar’ in ‘hoary.’

(wordplay)

No? You try.

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »

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