Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Hello, 911? I’m on fire

Posted by AllieB on May 30, 2013

I am well aware it was but a few weeks ago that I was ranting and raving about the endless NYC winters, but I really don’t care about how flaky and/or melodramatic I seem because I just don’t.  Today, after a Memorial Day weekend where the high topped out at 48 degrees Fahrenheit on Saturday, it is 92 degrees and the air feels like hot, stinky breath. I am seriously, legitimately concerned about how I am going to survive the next few months. I joked last week about getting bob haircut – as if! – but today I’m thinking a full-on Ellen DeGeneres whack job. I’m not kidding. And my hair is the least of my worries. Do they have full body deodorant? I’m talking Secret Prescription Strength for head-to-toe. The good news is that my office temp is a comfy 58 degrees, so I have to wear sweaters and scarves inside then basically disrobe to go outdoors. Winter’s easy:  you just put on more clothes. The wet, hot, American summer of NYC is a new animal with which I’ve yet to grapple, and I’m already thinking about ceding victory…for I am screwed. BOLO for 3 straight months of red-face/dancefloor Allie.

This week I present to you a very special segment: How to Stay Slim & Trim. I have two things that are really going to rock your world – perfect timing for ‘kini season!!

1. PRANCERCISE! What is prancercise, you ask? Prancercise is defined as follows: A springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse’s gait and is ideally induced by elation.” But why use words when there is video:

I had a hard time getting past that camel toe, but I powered thru and am already planning to go prancering after work. I’ll fit right in doing this around the Central Park Reservoir. Don’t need sound for that video, and you don’t need to watch more than 20 seconds. Thank you, Sista Wedge.

2. Aw, crap.

AB marathon

The gods have spoken. If I’m going to talk so big about running a marathon, it seems I might actually have to do it. I bailed on the LA race in March, and when I signed up for the NYC race on a whim I assumed there was no way my name would be chosen from the lottery – I worked it out: I had an 8% chance of getting it. Given my history of never getting chosen for anything, I felt pretty confident about my odds…until that email showed up earlier today. Just this morning, during my morning yog, I thought to myself, “I sure am glad I didn’t get chosen to run that marathon in November.” But it’s local, it’s important to participate in light of the Boston Marathon tragedy, and it’s something I always said I’d do. Plus I’ve got like, what, 5 months to train? Totes doable – I’ve already got my Body Glide and everything. I don’t think I can prance my way through this one, guys.

And now for the really, really random stuff:

-Ron Swanson is one of the greatest TV characters of all time – that is a statement of fact, not opinion. His awesomeness is elevated in this slideshow depicting his feasts throughout the 5 seasons of Parks and Recreation as well as his commentary.

-My birthday party is happening. I haven’t sent out the invite yet, but here’s a preview…!

bday invite

ATTN anyone tempted to refer to my upcoming birthday as “Dirty Thirty” – you are preemptively dead to me.

-Ya know how I went to the Stones Fest last Thursday to see my friend Parker play? Well…it was awesome. Jason Isbell, Norah Jones, Boz Scaggs, Regina Spektor also played… I will never, ever forget the ensemble performance of Shine a Light (my most very favorite song) as long as I live….read about it here – this guy knows a whole lot more about it than I do.

Remember that really funny spider email from 2008? I had totally forgotten about it until I rediscovered it last night. LOL

funny spider

I threw this together in like 15 minutes but I’m on a great streak here of not missing a week, and I gotta keep up the good work.

TGIT! Eat, drink, and be merry. I’ll see you next week – same time, same place – unless I melted, in which case…who knows.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 13 Comments »

Karma As It Applies to Me: An Essay

Posted by AllieB on May 23, 2013

I always thought it to be so,  but now I know for sure: karma is real. It exists, and it should be acknowledged as a true thing that happens. My belief in this is not religious or anything; it’s how I believe some things happen for a reason, or that three rights make a left – it just is. I like to think I would always do the right thing because character is what you do when no one’s looking, but up in this city, when presented with right v wrong, I definitely take into account how my actions could come back around…

MmmHmmm you know that's right

MmmHmmm you know that’s right

My karmic journey began at CVS on Madison and 34th last Thursday. I was walking home from work because I couldn’t find a cab and sometimes I hate the subway it was nice out, and I needed new hair clips and Vaseline (yes) so I stopped by CVS. I like CVS because they have self-checkout. As I went to ring up my purchases, I noticed that the machine was still beeping, “take your change” – sure enough, in the cash dispenser was a whole wad of bills, evidently forgotten by the person who’d been there before me. I took the cash and the receipt and found the nearest employee, explaining the sitch. “OH MY WORD!” the woman said, rifling thru the bills, “look at all these MONIES!!” Indeed. I have no idea how she handled it from there, but I knew I’d done the right thing, and I felt good about that.

Which brings me to…Saturday night. Oh no – Saturday night. I knowingly* set my phone down on a bar – for safekeeping, obviously – and accidentally left it there. When I woke up on Sunday, I was pretty sure it was at this bar/restaurant where we’d been, but they weren’t open so I couldn’t confirm. My mind started racing thru all the possibilities…ANOTHER lost phone!? My morale plummeted to depths heretofore unseen. But there was something in me – an innate belief in the goodness of mankind, I think it was – that had me almost positive that I would see my phone again. AND I WAS RIGHT. The very kind proprietor held onto my phone and I retrieved it Monday.

*unknowingly

Here’s what: had I not turned in the money last Thursday at CVS, I am certain that someone would have thieved my phone on Saturday night. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If it’s not yours, don’t take it. Thou shalt not steal.

stealing

Just kidding!! I was testing you.

Another example of karmic retribution: Lime Fresh Mexican Grill in Atlanta has CLOSED! All of them. BBT was anti from the word go: you can’t serve crappy food with poor service and expect to sustain an existence amongst Hall of Famers like Willy’s and Barberitos and Chipotle. I had to add Chipotle because that’s all I have access to up here, and it’s really pretty good…although my prayers have been answered and the Willy’s in Concourse B at Hartsfield-Jackson is finally open. Hallelujah. CC: Caro, K, Lucy

Everyone knows what a disaster apartment hunting in NYC can be. I don’t, really, because mine fell in my lap and is perfect, but most everyone else does, so I think we can all appreciate this new blog, The Worst Room. It lifts listings from actual apartment websites and shares the pics along with perfectly edited descriptions (credit: Joe, but also NYMag Approval Matrix (Joe, BUSTED))

Union Square, Manhattan. $1000.00<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.&#8221;<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> &#8220;Amazing Location&#8221;

Union Square, Manhattan. $1,000.00

“I am looking for someone to move into a large closet space in one of the three bedrooms of my apartment. The bedroom has two closets but there is no need for it so we are looking to sublet it as a living space to a 4th roommate. The closet is about 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. It has no windows and think it would be ideal for a twin size bed and small night stand.”

“Amazing Location”

The price is right…there’s no such thing as claustrophobia…what a find!

Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. $600.00

“special deal only for someone with a cat”

“we want to make sure the cat is a good fit as well”

What happens if the cat is a good fit but the person isn’t? #catpeopleprobs

I had a hard time deciding which ones to share; some people have incredibly low standards of living…literally – several posts mentioned not being able to stand  up straight due to ceiling height, or lack thereof. It’s sad…but it’s a funny-sad.

HAPPY BELATED, CARO aka BABYLINE! El, MHM and I toasted to you last night. XOXO

Corgis are so happy, and their happiness makes me happy. (JBax)

Ok, this is me leaving. Safe travels to those traveling, and thoughts and prayers to those who have served or are serving our country. God bless our troops.

Memorial-Day

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

HAPPY FEET

Posted by AllieB on May 17, 2013

Now that I’m staying put for awhile, I am really excited to participate in all that is NYC in the spring/summer/whatever season it is (do we still have seasons?) for it is glorious. It’s as though we’re all emerging from our seemingly decade-long winter cocoons, and reacquainting ourselves with the sun, other people, and being outside instead of inside. This city is just really beautiful, honestly, and, since this is my first spring up here, I am literally seeing the light for the first time.

bryant park

 There aren’t not filters, but still! It’s just so pretty. This is Bryant Park in Midtown, I work a block east so I spend some time here…and that is the New York Library, the famous one, where I also spend some time…

I do plan to do other things besides hang out in a park and library near my office – FOR INSTANCE on Saturday we are going to Brooklyn and hanging out in beer gardens, and then on Sunday I am going out to Westchester for a garden party – a catered one. That’s legit diversity right there. I shall bring my hipster self to BK and my WASP-y self to the ‘burbs. I’ve heretofore never met Hipster Allie, so that will be interesting…WASP-y Allie is around a lot – she’s the one not confronting things and maintaining the appearance of normalcy.

Celebs used to  be a common point of discussion on BBT, but lately – not so much. Given my lack of other things to talk about, let’s see what’s going on….

Kim K is the worst pregnant person ever, and I already really don’t like her – she’s so boring she’s not even fun to point and laugh at. Like, wear different shoes. So simple. When presented with a choice between ones that cut off your circulation betwixt cankle and foot and ones that don’t, ALWAYS GO WITH THE ONES THAT DON’T. I think she thought that the nude strap and clear thingy over her insole would elongate the leg. No. (Credit: Hilary. She also gets credit for the title – she’s not completely worthless afterall)

0515-kim-kardashian-julianne-moore-3

David Beckham is retiring…from soccer. OH yeah, he played soccer. Perhaps this will free him up to do some more…picture taking. Like this, maybe.

david beckham

I am seriously blushing right now.

And now for a celebrity that I actually know personally and consider an actual friend – next Thursday I’m going to the Stones Fest at Bowery Ballroom to see my buddy Parker Gispert, lead singer of The Whigs, play. Rock on.

Stones Fest FB banner

If you live in the area or will be around, join me,  won’t you? Other performers include Norah Jones, Patrick Carney of The Black Keys, Jason Isbell and many, many more, including some SURPRISE guests (says the site).

That’ll do for today. TGIF, y’all!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

I wish you would stop being useless and start being pizza

Posted by AllieB on May 9, 2013

I went to two weddings last weekend. I flew to Charleston on Friday for the rehearsal dinner of one then flew to Atlanta on Saturday for the ceremony/reception of another. While it may seem that this nonsense itinerary was me being a really, really good friend, it was actually because I wanted to see all my peeps…and because of my FOMO. It’s real convenient when a selfish gesture is construed as a selfless one. I’m glad I did both, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever do it again. Future brides and grooms: it’d be great if you could check with me prior to setting a date.

My spring nuptial tour wraps up this weekend in Highlands, NC. Lindsay, I am ready to party on your behalf.

wigs

Actually, Lindsay, me and the belly dancer are both ready. Wigs & Babaganoush – A’s Bday 2010. I think we can all agree that you’re best as a blonde, and I think Kim Zolciak wants her wig back…

Several weeks ago I went to the New York Tenement Museum (of course I did) and, while browsing in the gift shop afterwards, I found a book that caught my eye: 642 Things to Write About. Obviously I bought it. Wouldn’t it be neat if I knocked out all 642 things, kind of like a Julie & Julia thing (the girl cooks all of Julia Child’s recipes from her most famous cookbook). As I’m wont to do, I haven’t really followed thru on this big idea, but better late than never. To summarize: the book has 642 random thoughts, words, ideas, and scenarios about which you can write; here are some examples:

-Write for 10 minutes about what is running through a husband-to-be’s head while his wife-to-be is walking down the aisle to the alter where he stands. (I’ve started this; it’s going to be great – it might even make me famous)

-Describe one of your bad habits and why you secretly get joy out of it (this won’t make an appearance on BBT…ever)

-Something you’ve always regretted saying (I mean….where do I begin)

-What you ate for breakfast (Special K)

-Write about something you know absolutely nothing about. Make all of it up. (I do that every time I write a BBT post)

serial killer

I’ve never won any penmanship awards.  Dexter bc duh; CSI bc you have to know what kind of tricks are up the police’s sleeves – gotta stay current; Say Yes to the Dress and Kardashians bc you’re clearly insane and only insane people watch those shows; Friends bc you weren’t always this way – once upon a time you loved a good laugh.

So I figure I’ll get started on some of these, and the 636 other questions, and share them on BBT sometimes. This will be fun!

Fail of the Week:

Yesterday morning I woke up around 6 AM and was going to do some stuff on my home comp while I had a cup of Earl Gray and watched some tube. I turned on my tv, then made my tea, and returned to my room to settle in for a bit. I went to change the channel…no remote. Obviously it was there, in my room, since I’d just used it to turn the TV on, but I couldn’t find it. I got SO frustrated, and before long this frustration began to boil over into legit anger…it was when I started hurling pillows around that I decided to not go all Courtney Love on my own room, and just go to work early. I figured when I got home it would be hiding in plain sight on my dresser or something – you know, “if it were a snake it would’ve bitten me” type thing. It was when I got to work and was unpacking my stuff that I realized my remote was in my shoe/second bag I carry around everywhere…how or why I know not, but…fail.

That was an even cooler story than Hansel’s.

theres my remote

Damn you, remote. And damn you, Gwyneth Paltrow!! My work friend, Gail, gives me all her mags when she’s done, hence the stack. It’s f’ing gross out, hence the ‘ella. Although up here you’d be wise to never leave home w/o an umbrella.

There’s an About Me page on this site, and it’s  just a few facts about moi that I change up every now and again, with the exception of Favorite Foods section. My four favorite foods have been the same since the very beginning, and they are as follows:

  1. cheese
  2. steak
  3. cheesesteak
  4. pizza

I really love pizza.

ariail

Little Mermaid agrees.

That was random. Here’s the thing – sometimes I really have no idea what I’m going to write about, and I have to start somewhere – this week I started with the title, having filched it from Sister ages ago with plans to use it on BBT in some capacity, and went from there. I also made homemade pizza with Jordan on Tuesday (whole wheat dough from Trader Joe’s – very delicious) and had a slice for dinner last night (Joe’s on Carmine, a real institution), so a pizza theme seemed kind of appropriate….

And that’s how my mind works.

Newsflash: Two people fell overboard and are now missing from a CARNIVAL cruise ship in Australia. Can we have an intervention with Carnival? Dear Carnival, SHUT IT DOWN. Shut them all down. However, at this point, if you’re dunce enough to willingly book a Carnival Cruise, you might deserve whatever misadventures that may befall you.

TGIT!!! Peace – Love – Pizza

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Today is Picture Day!

Posted by AllieB on April 26, 2013

Happy Friday!! Instead of writing words, I posted pictures. There are ten photos, and then a bonus one so eleven total. Bon appétit!

1. This is where I am sitting right now.

photo 1

2. Meanwhile, someone in our Santa Monica office is sitting here #oh #neat

This is the view from a desk in our Santa Monica office #oh #neat

3. JTommLiv got an iPhone…

JTommLiv got an iPhone

4. Saturday’s sunset from Marion’s rooftop. I will never, ever tire of this view #IheartNY

Saturday's sunset from Marion's rooftop. I will never tire of the NYC skyline #vista

 5. I finally went to the Spotted Pig. Fleming and I shared this (and some pink wine) – it was everything I hoped it would be

photo 4

6. This is the block where I live. It’s like the set of my very own romantic comedy except not (yet)

photo 2

7. I’m going to AFRICA!!!! G Force and I are booking our tickets to Malawi this weekend. It is part goodwill, part adventure, and I am so excited. I did some goog’ing and learned that Malawi is far away. It will be winter when we’re there (July), so that’s a perk – for a second I was like, why am I going to Africa in July, but then I remembered the different hemisphere/opposite season thing. Der. The flight is 16+ hours…I’m gonna need to pack my eye mask for sure, or, as a co-worker helpfully suggested re: my unfortunate sleeping habits, “just put a bag over my head.”

20123

8. Before going to Africa I will turn 30. El and I went for a walk on the Westside Highway last night and I scouted out some potential spots for my big bday bash…I just love a good vista #nofilter #evenJerseylooksgood

photo 4

9. I guess it’s good thing we went for that walk…sometimes I revolt against the goals I set for myself. It’s very productive.

MYEQ Dashboard - Google Chrome 4262013 71628 AM.bmp

10. This might be a little weird because I have no idea who this person is (I got it off Buzzfeed) BUT I WANT TO BE HER #pileofpuppies #puppiesinapile

PILE of PUPPIES

Bonus #11. Let’s open up the vault: real life Picture Days of yore. 3rd Grade was pretty good, if I do say so myself. 4th Grade – not so much. I was at the height of my Marla Hooch phase…and it will come as no surprise that I no longer wanted to be called Allie, but Alex #identitycrisis #goBraves #firstpickforkickball

picstitch

Well that was fun. Pictures = easier than words. Have an AWESOME weekend!!! XOXOXO

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Next Page »