Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Really?’ Category

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Workin’ on my night cheese

Posted by AllieB on January 19, 2011

I could write a whole post about my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – which does exist, by the way – but I choose not to. Instead I shall write about Snooki’s new novel, A Shore Thing. Meet Gia and Bella, two girls who are not-so-loosely based on Snooki and JWow, respectively. That’s fine with me – stick with what you know, I always say (credit: NYPost).

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

Titillating stuff…maybe I’ll buy it on my Nook for my upcoming trip to Pakistan (more on that later). Also, three songs by The Whigs – with lead singer Parker Gispert, one of my oldest nearest and dearest - were featured thrice on Monday night’s episode of Jersey Shore…I thought “Someone’s Daughter” was particularly apropos.

YKenna has shared with me a new blog devoted to awkwardness: www.umawkward.com.

MASH

This reminds me of Sister and me. Guess who’s who. I bet I could do a whole sub-blog on BBT featuring various categories of Awkward: Encounters with Strangers, Loss of Filter at a Staff Meeting, Babysitting Moments, Attempts to Ascend an Escalator and so on…between my daily blunders and those executed by my peeps, I would really have endless material from which to choose. Hmm. Mayhaps.

Last weekend in Athens, MPvZB, Sis, Leila and I reacquainted ourselves with the wonder that is Liz Lemon. Join us, won’t you?

Did this seem a little meh to you? It did to me. It must be my SAD talking.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

This is what I learned today

Posted by AllieB on January 6, 2011

Through various WordPress features I can see what phrases/words people search on Google or Bing or Yahoo or wherever that land them on Baxter Bark Twice. For those of you concerned about your privacy (K…), I can assure you that nothing beyond your search terms are divulged:

As you can see in the screen shot above, at some point in the last 17 hours some weirdo out in cyberspace entered the phrase “taco bell beef gun” into his search engine of choice and wound up at www.baxterbarktwice.com.

To the person who is looking for a taco bell beef gun: have fun being curious. However, if it helps, here’s the sour cream gun – maybe it’s not dissimilar to the beef gun…? Also, might I suggest going to the TB franchise on Northside Parkway near W. Paces Ferry – I’m sure the friendly folk there would be happy to help you find your beef gun.

credit: MPvZB

“…but you can imagine how wicked awesome the meat hose must be.”

I find it perturbing that BBT showed up in the search results for such a query. Perturbing…and kind of awesome.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

For the Outdoorsy Prostitute in all of us!

Posted by AllieB on December 9, 2010

Teva Stilettos.  I can’t think of anything that doesn’t make sense about a stiletto made by Teva. Never again will we say, as we launch out on an overnight hiking excursion, “I would be a lot more excited about this 30 mile trek if I could only trade out this pair of functional Merrell’s for a pair of high heeled sandals with the look and feel of a Teva.”

They’re nothing if not versatile – look at that: wear them as a sexy sandal, with a thick wool sock on a rocky trail, or, OR whilst wielding an unwieldy wheelbarrow.

source: thequickanddirty.com

Although, come to think of it, if there’s someone on your gift list about whom you always say, “What do you get the girl who has everything?” – these might be just that.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Posted by AllieB on December 6, 2010

I have read two articles of significance today, one of which I found pleasing, yet hardly shocking, and the other I found incredibly disturbing and extremely shocking.

The first is just a different spin on this ilk of article that comes out every now and again that serves to bolster the morale of those of us with vices. “Bad Habits That Can Boost Your Health” was released by AOL, and heralds the effects of cursing, playing your music too loud, and wine.

While experts could not pinpoint the exact explanation, lead researcher Dr. Richard Stephens and his team believe that throwing around the F-bomb may trigger the flight-or-fight response, which can increase heart rate and aggression and help the body cope with pain.

I find that using a curse word when someone really pisses you off is also helpfull – it might not be physical pain I’m dealing with, but it certainly helps me focus on the physical pain I’d like to inflict upon them. In addition to the positive impacts of expletives, the article also reports that listening to loud music can help boost your memory, and a glass of wine/day will help keep the doctor away. GTK.

Conversely, to counterract this good news, Charlotte K Bax just sent me a link to an alarming article in the NYTimes entitled, “In Kentucky, Noah’s Ark Theme Park Planned.”

The park will include a 100-foot Tower of Babel, a first-century Middle Eastern village and a journey through the Old Testament, with special effects depicting Moses, the 10 plagues and the parting of the Red Sea. For children, there will be a petting zoo, live bird and animal shows and a play area with ziplines and climbing nets — all Bible-themed. Even the trainer, Dan Breeding, will present animal acts with a Gospel message about creation.

In addition, animals will actually live in pens on the ark – but only youth-aged ones, they assure us.

“We think that God would probably have sent healthy juvenile-sized animals that weren’t fully grown yet, so there would be plenty of room,” said Mr. Zovath, a retired Army lieutenant colonel heading the ark project. “We want to show how Noah would have taken care of them, taken care of waste management, taken care of water needs and food needs.”

Ah, but of course. Waste management in the time of Noah is certainly crucial to the development and enhancement of America’s youth. What’s more, the ministry behind this whole idea is the same group that also founded the Creation Museum, a mere 45 miles away from the Ark Theme Park, whose displays feature “…dioramas designed to debunk evolution show humans and dinosaurs coexisting peacefully on an earth created by God in six days.  The ministry, Answers in Genesis, believes that the earth is only 6,000 years old — a controversial assertion even among many Bible-believing Christians.”

I feel really uncomfortable. I’m also delving into topics I never wanted to really touch on here at BBT, so we’ll move along to the Ugly…IIIII’m breezy!

Happy Holidays from Taylor Where the Hell is My Mom-sen!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Help me help you

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2010

It’s almost too easy.*

*In your defense – it’s a bad angle, but might I suggest a scarf and the color black.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

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