Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Really?’ Category

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Don’t be such a ninny

Posted by AllieB on May 18, 2011

I’ve been phoning it in all week – time to get back on track. I’ve upset Dawson, and we can’t have that…

Regrettably, I did not make it to the food truck bonanza last night – I went to hot yoga and was rendered noodle, thus physically was unable to attend. I wasn’t quite as devastated as our buddy Dawson there, but I was still distraught to miss…next time.

I feel badly for making a mockery of jumping off Monday into the vast chasm of despair that is Tuesday …because this girl actually did it, and not just metaphorically. Left at the altar by her fiance, Li-Wan was so fraught with misery that she leapt out of a window 80 feet above the ground. In a show of truly remarkable reflexes, Guo Zhongfan, an aid worker, rushed to the window and managed to grab her neck as she went down, catching her in mid-air, effectively pinning her to the building thus allowing for her rescue. I think this story could really unfold nicely – Guo, a heretofore quiet and maybe even lonely gentleman, performs this act of heroism for the forlorn, heartbroken young girl…they find solace in each other’s company, bound forever by this single act, and one day walk down the aisle together, as Mr. and Mrs. Zhongfan…..see, there’s always a silver lining…and this is really insane. Source: NYPost

I will say – after this mental move, the chances of Li-Wan and her fiance reaching any kind of reconciliation are not so hot…I guess that’s something to keep in mind: don’t jump out of a window if you want to mend fences down the road. Noted.

It’s been a slow week. Well, not really, in life it’s been a crazy week but that tends to translate to a BBT snoozefest. An avid reader with a mind for business has an idea, and I think I like it: he suggested that I create some kind of graphic/image, put it on a sticker, and put it in the windows of places where I frequent/have reviewed/approve of.  Zagat has one, Creative Loafing has one, why can’t BBT have one….something like this – the international sign of LIKE.

Dawson was always a real pansy, wasn’t he – a total douche nozzle.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

Have you met Penny?

Posted by AllieB on May 6, 2011

Penny, best known as the funny, awkward, not very skinny girl on my new favorite show, Happy Endings, is, apparently, my doppelganger. PX will not let this go, so I’m embracing it. She is funny and awkward and charming and can speak fluent italian when she gets drunk. Lo faccio anch’io! Plus, people really seem to like her – I almost feel flattered reading this, like he’s talking about me personally.

Penny is also pretty fiesty. In this week’s episode she learned how to self-defend herself and she totally kicked a**. I can kick a**.

See? I don’t take crap from anyone – that’s me laying down the law to that sasquatch of a human, Paxton. He’ll try to tell you that he’s keeping me from ordering more tacos (oh look, it’s TEX’s TACOS), but it wasn’t, it was me being angry at him for calling me husky.

Which brings me to my real point of issue. It’s all fun and games until someone gets called “husky.” Things really get out of hand when the insult is accompanied with a link to Urban Dictionary.

Huskaroo:

A pudgy or chunky person. In a sentence: That girl just ate half an extra large pizza! What a Huskaroo!

The really unfortunate thing about this is that I did have pizza when I got home last night…sigh.

Whatever, Penny rocks.

courtesy of my frenemy, Paxton

 

 

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

The Fifth of May

Posted by AllieB on May 5, 2011

HAPPY CINCO de MAYO!!! Let’s jump right in. Tex’s Tacos, a little food truck I mention from time to time, is having a fiesty fiesta with their neighbors, Kramer’s aka Kramerica aka the bar. I’m not sure if Skinny Girl margs are on the menu, but you can bet yer ass that some tasty tacos will be…Souper Jenny has free sangria…check out this  totally manic website to find out what else is happening in your world tonight.

Good talk. See ya out there.

I often criticize others for their inability to behave, speak, or dress in a sensical manner. Where are their filters? Their scruples? Their MIRRORS??

Hello, pot? This is kettle – you’re black. Case in point: an interview that aired on the WSB 5 o’clock news a couple of years back wherein I discussed savings bonds. I know as much about saving money as Hilary does about shirts that aren’t plaid, so clearly I’m the ideal person to weigh in on smart, practical, safe ways to save chedda and generate decent interest. Here’s the online article – I am ever so grateful that the video is unavailable.

“When I think of savings bonds, I think of old fashioned, old time, not really the best way to save or invest your money,” said Allie Baxter.

CD rates at most banks are around 3 percent. But I-series savings bond are a much better deal…..[blah blah blah money blah blah interest rate etc etc]…..In six months, because of inflation, the interest rate will go to six percent; double what lots of banks offer on traditional CDs.

“Oh, it would make sense to get into that, then,” said Baxter

Oh, would it? I sound borderline uneducated. The interview was filmed at the Fellini’s on Peachtree on a sunny Friday afternoon; I was there enjoying a midday meal with The Original Serve (herro Billy, Pal, Pants, Tina). Although my “friends” definitely egged me on, I never would’ve donated my dignity volunteered had the tv crew not mentioned that it was for Clark Howard’s segment. I’d jump off a bridge for Clark Howard. WWCHD?

I’m having a hard time remembering why it was a good idea to share that story…

Vamanos, muchachos.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 8 Comments »

Not for the faint of heart

Posted by AllieB on May 3, 2011

Double-u.Tee.Eff.

I’ve been trying to spice up my workout regimen because I hate working out, and everyone knows that variety is the spice of life, so… what I’m saying is that I’ve been doing some new stuff.

Enter: spinning. Spinning is basically a lesson in masochism. My mom and I tried out a new class at the gym, and it was the first time for both of us. The class ended just as our usual Monday class, Body Pump, was getting started, and everyone stared at us – partly in sympathy but mostly in sheer horror- one person remarked that it looked like we’d beaten each other up. It was really, really hard. I’m going to go back on Wednesday; spinning is my Everest. And CharBax: you’re nuts. NUTS. I always thought you were loco with your 100 mile bike rides, but now I think you’re totally mental (and I mean that in an awe-struck kind of way).

Well, this is fortuitous timing – spotted on my favorite blog about random crap…

I like where their head’s at, but, to be honest, biking + booze don’t really mix. The only thing I’d bring to spinning besides water is a restorative electrolyte enhanced fruity beverage and a towel, not to mention that you really can get arrested for Cycling Under the Influence (CUI). BBT says: A for Effort, F for Fail.

Ok, now I’m laughing – first the Teva Stilettos, then the Poots, and now….these (also from Hairpin).

Run, don’t walk, to your nearest Prada boutique for this season’s must-have: $1,500 Mary Janes with the leg already built in! Didn’t shave your legs? Not to worry – this Mary Jane boot (MaJoot?) is the answer to your unsightly hairiness. These are the least alluring leg adornments ever, IMO – you’d be better off in nude hose and no one is EVER better off in nude hose. BBT says: do not want.

Friendly reminder: Mother’s Day is on Sunday!!! Luv u, Mom :)

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

That’s Enough Advice, Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on April 14, 2011

For my third advice column, I’m doing actual questions asked by actual people…ish. I liberally paraphrased the following questions from multiple convos with multiple people, but I can do that because I call the shots around here.

Dear BBT,

I want to meet new boys – where/how can I do that?

-Single and Ready to Mingle

Dear Never Refer to Yourself as “Ready to Mingle” Again,

Service projects! Philanthropic social events! match.com! Irby Avenue!

I really have no idea. But what I do know is this: leave :| at home – no one wants to talk to Flat Face.

Dear BBT,

My friend is such a drama queen and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t think I can handle another second of her bitching and moaning. Thoughts?

-End of My Rope

Dear Join the Club,

Take it easy, JtC – being dramatic about another’s drama helps no one…I think lots of times people just go thru phases where they have their head so far up their own ass that they don’t know up from down. Maybe take a little breather – go invisi on gchat, hang out with a different group of friends for the weekend…sometimes space is the best medicine.

This is not good advice – space is the best medicine?? I really don’t know what to say…YOU’RE a drama queen.

Maybe I’m not as good at the wisdom imparting as I thought. I think I’ll stop now.

It’s just as well, anyway, because Zirkle #3 shared with me an amazing blog that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying – not only in subject matter, but also re: the domepiece of its creator. There’s obscure…and then there’s morphing famous celebs with Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

Anne Hathaway + Steve Buscemi's eyes = nightmares 4 life

I am repulsed, yet I can’t look away. There are so many awesomely horrible ones…Heidi is a favorite,  and the Kardashians…here – have a gander: Chicks with Steve Buscemeyes.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

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