Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Enlighten me.

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2011

Forget my lame suggestion of ties yesterday, if you’re willing to fork over $750, THIS is what you should buy the guy in your life:

It’s The BEASTIE BOYS! Per NYMag: Packaged in a handsome metal box are three eleven-inch dolls — fully poseable! — each with their own stands, white jumpsuits, goggles, work boots, and safety vests. (Who knew these rebels were OSHA compliant?) Tossed in for good measure is the two-disc deluxe version of their Sounds of Science. Yes, at $750 it’s a bit pricey for a meta-gift, but proceeds from all sales are split between two charities that benefit kids with cancer.

Fully poseable?! Who could pass. You’re welcome.

For this week’s Confounding Conundrum, I share with you the pictorial comparison below. Shown are two women: both are approximately 5’2″ and share the same thick trunk/shoulder/no-neck body type; both are five months pregnant.

And I guess the similarities end there, because evidently Hillary Duff is giving birth to a newborn human, whereas Jessica Simpson is giving birth to Shaq. I do wish that Hillary had on tights or a longer skirt, but for the most she looks pretty great. And it’s not that Jessica looks bad, per se, it’s that she still has FOUR MONTHS TO GO. This begs the question – what on earth is she growing in there?

I am reminded of the classic film, Men in Black. Rookie agent, Will Smith, is new on the job and is innocently helping a woman he believes to be human deliver her child. Everything is going as well as it could be, when BOOM!

Squid baby.

All I’m saying is: if I were Eric What’s-His-Face, I’d stick out the delivery in the waiting room, just to be safe.

Happy Birthday to BOBBY! BBT hearts you. XX

Take it easy and just be breezy. Yours in ridicule,

Baxter Bark Twice

LEST I FORGET: My friend Helen’s biz, H&H Home, will be featured as part of One Kings Lane’s signature Tastemaker Tag Sale series:  One Kings Lane will be offering our vintage and one-of-a-kind items at up to 50% off retail, starting TONIGHT, December 1st at 6:00 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Our Collection includes a curated assortment of newly finished, never-before-seen items hand-selected by H&H Home. To learn more, and preview the collection, visit www.handhhome.com. To join One Kings Lane and shop OUR sale, go to https://www.onekingslane.com/sales/12418 

ALSO: Scout for the Home is open til 8 tonight and will be serving wine. Scout is a great place to buy smaller items for the home/gifts…think mothers, sisters, friends and the like.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

YOU are very creepy

Posted by AllieB on October 20, 2011

You know what makes me uncomfortable? Besides the obvious responses of close-talking, Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance, and really really really – like, really – short people, the thing that makes me most uncomfortable is the COMMENTS section on large-scale websites. Take NYMag, for instance. Their Fashion segment, The Cut, posted a picture of Jennifer Aniston at some event recently in some very short low-cut shiny dress. She looked great (pregs???), but great. It commented on the labels she sported and that was about it….but then…the comments.

MAGSTOCK: If she was pregnant, her boobs wouldn’t be so empty and lo. Pregnancy makes your boobs round, full and beautiful. Not what she has there..

QUALITO: She looks like a aging mother of three, who’s lost all her money at the Vegas casinos, so she finds the nearest Filene’s Basement or Ross For Less, and buys the cheapest low-cut outfit she can find and then hits the lounge at the MGM Grand. No need for bra or panties. They’ll just get in the way of business.

REMAINING_ANONYMOUS: Short OR low-cut, not both. The dress would be much better IMHO with a boat neckline and if she stood with her arms in such a position that would highlight the dolman sleeves.

Join me in my discomfort, won’t you? These are but three of 33 comments – most of them snarky, judgmental, and straight up creepy. Who ARE these people??? I imagine that at least 100% of them live in their parents’ basement and are actively involved in local Cuddle Parties. SNL did a skit this fall aptly named The Comments Section where they brought three homely and socially awkward people on stage, exposed their blogging comments, and then sucker punched them all in the stomach. Ha.

Fortunately, despite rising in the WWW ranks from 9,623,940 to 6,176,867 in the last week (holla), BBT doesn’t get many weird ass comments. One person got really mad at me for making fun of Hilary Duff’s novel – really? – but besides that, nada. This is good, given how uncomfortable they make me.

THURSDAY! It’s f’ing cold, but at least it’s Thursday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!!! And to P, but I’m guessing P doesn’t hit up BBT all that much. Tonight we’re going bowling to celebrate, and I’m very excited because I LOVE bowling and am really good at it about 1 out of every 3 times. I have very fond memories of the bowling league of 2k6. Baberham Lincoln was our team name. Questionable. Don’t forget socks!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

What the crap!

Posted by AllieB on August 9, 2011

WTC! In Paris they now have 24-hour vending machines that dispense piping hot, freshly baked baguettes. I want to go to there!! If only they’d gotten their act together a year ago. I’ve been reliving our trip to France all week by way of photographs – minus the dead lady on the plane ride over (total downer), it was a perfect vacation…hindsight 20/20, right? In true Fat American fashion, Al Roker remarked: “They need one of those over here that has donuts instead of baguettes…” Good call, Al – just what we need, another champion for America’s obesity…especially from someone who’s actually already had gastric bypass surgery. I’m really down on the Today show right now, yet haven’t been able to pull the trigger on GMA…six in one, half dozen in the other.

4-wheelers that went up to like 50 MPH – that’s fast, right? They went really fast. Ode to Georgia Bar. (My t-shirt is a GA Bar t-shirt.)

Ok. This is the type of information that I would maybe tell my friends after I’ve been doing it for awhile … truth bomb: sometimes I sit on relevant information before sharing it with my peers. Of course, everyone could have known about this all along, making me moron who thinks she’s got a piece of groundbreaking information. Anyway, without further ado: I’ve been reading this blog written by Victoria’s Secret model Chrissy Teigen. I know…she’s dating John Legend and is actually pretty hilarious…she’s kind of a nut -I think we’d get along nicely. I follow her on Twitter, too. Anyway, I she imparted some very valuable wisdom in her post, “Ugh, alcohol:”

*fact: most fashion industry people that are watching their weight (so everyone) drink vodka/club soda splash of lime. Even lighter. Get Goose. Potato vodkas are a no no. This is my drink of choice lately. Kind of tastes like ass, and trust me, I can’t wait for swimsuit modeling season to go away. I miss the cold Christmas shopping days where I fill a to-go cup with coffee halfway and pour Bailey’s in the rest. Then I hit the city, shop, and completely forget what I ended up buying anyone until I get the thank you cards. It’s fun.

Minus the part about swimsuit modeling season :|, I really appreciate this whole excerpt. And I’m glad to know I no longer have to buy all my Christmas gifts online – her plan sounds pretty awesome. Anyway, this part about Grey Goose only was very interesting to me – it’s made with wheat in France. You know how no one in France is fat??? Oh wow, this is really coming full circle…baguettes from Paris, vodka from France…I never tie things together so nicely. Horn: tooted! And now I really, really want to go back to France.

Sisters in Paris. Notably absent: hot, fresh baguettes from nearby vending machine

On notice: Betches Love This Site. It’s become an internet sensation and I hate it. I don’t even really want to link to it because they get plenty of fraffic as is, but…whatever, here it is. They started it in February and have 35,000+ followers on Twitter and apparently have a movie deal. WTF! They cuss too much – it’s very crass. However, they write anonymously which is I figure how they get away with some of the stuff they say…I mean, I guess they’re entertaining – I feel like they appeal to a slightly younger (read: college-age) demographic – one comprised of srat sistas who love to flip their hair and squeal. I cannot stand shrill, high-pitched people. I think the Betches and I can just agree to disagree…unless they’re looking for staff writers, in which case I may or may not be available.

WHAT THE CRAP HAPPENED TO SINEAD O’CONNOR.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Ugly people hang out with ugly people

Posted by AllieB on July 26, 2011

I always get a kick out of seeing what people goog to land on BBT. In the past month, the following searches have resulted in page views, and it is proof positive that 1. people are weird, and 2. I need to look into editing my keywords.

  • Casey Anthony drowned my puppy
  • camel-toe athletics
  • does love cause swamp butt
  • don’t mess with bbt
  • how to make people feel awkward and leave
  • lesbian boat captains
  • Missy Baxter author
  • how do I get ants out of my topsy turvy?
  • ugly people hang out with ugly people

It’s 7:30 in the morning and I laughed really hard cutting and pasting these. That says a lot because not very much is funny at 7:30 in the morning.

It is beyond me how some marketing brainiac could ruin wine, but – somehow – the people behind these “chick wines” have managed to do so. The most unforgivable: “Mommy’s Time Out.” I’d rather drink water than drink that – I don’t think I’d even find the humor in a gag gift. What might be permissible is the “Middle Sister” as I, Allie, am a quintessential middle child and the second born of three sisters. I will say, the descriptions of every varietal give me nerd chills, but at least it’s not a creepy third person reference to motherhood….Pants, I’d get you the Sweet & Sassy in honor of SassySissy. Tina, I’d get you the Wicked White because I like her sunglasses. I, obviously, am Forever Cool. Der. I know a lot of oldest siblings, I’m realizing…it does not surprise me that there is no Oldest Sister wine – no offense, but that doesn’t sound very good. Type A Cabernet!

IRREGARDLESS, I could get 3 bottles of Two Buck Chuck for the price of one of these, so…I guess this is all a moo point. (Source: this very hard to read article of which I could only get through the first paragraph – where are the pictures??)

Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, “does he like you?” All right? Because if he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.

Another title I was considering for today was, “Apropos of Nothing.” Actually, I considered naming BBT that at first. That would not have been irrelevant, given how things have panned out re: my ADHD content, but Baxter Bark Twice has worked out nicely…BBT is catchy; AON is an international corporation that provides risk management services…me, not so much.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

How to be cool and tough

Posted by AllieB on July 14, 2011

How to be cool and tough: written by some d-nozzle frat guy and shared with you here, on BBT.

One hopes this is a big joke and that this person is just making fun of himself…but it’s a little too long and involved – if it’s just some frat dog making fun I’m pretty sure his ADHD would’ve kicked in around #4, “The Cool and Tough Automobile,” and he’d of thrown in the towel. He tries to play it off at the end, but by then it’s too late – I’m pretty positive this person is 100% GEN-U-INE serious. I can’t even decide which parts to share – the whole thing makes me wish I was illiterate.

Ya know what, actually, he’s absolutely right. This last paragraph is totally legit and he makes many valid points. I wonder if I can track this stud down? He sounds dreamy.

It is important to note here that not everyone is cut out to be cool and tough. Although, many of these skills can be learned, truly being cool and tough requires a certain degree of natural talent that not everyone is born with. One of the best ways to become cool and tough is to hone your skills by surrounding yourself with other cool and tough people. Be these people. It is certainly neither cool nor tough to be an individual. Constantly strive for the same level of mediocrity of all those around you. However, it is important to remember that though these people may also be cool and tough, they will never be as cool and tough as you are. Some of the people in your fraternity may be cool and tough, but many of them aren’t. So don’t hang out with them. It is also important to remember that being cool does not necessarily make one tough, nor does being tough automatically make one cool. You should strive to find the proper balance between the two and become simply known as a Cool and Tough person.

I just died a little. Here’s the whole article – I think you’ve been fairly warned. (Credit: Leila. You would.)

On a very different note, I would like to give a little shout-out to the Atlanta Police Department. Yesterday I got gas, and when I went to put back on the gas cap I found that it was no longer there. Confused, I got down and started looking under my car, etc., as I knew it had been there minutes prior. However, as I was at the most MANIC PLACE ON THE PLANET, the QT on Sidney Marcus, my non-gas getting activity began to incur cars honking and just general unrest. Stupidly, I was like, oh well, and got in my car and drove away. As I pulled out, I goog’ed “is it safe to drive without a gas cap,” and was a half-mile up the road, reading about how I was about to spontaneously combust, when I saw the blue lights. For the record: cops terrify me. Even if I’ve been doing nothing wrong (and in this case I have a brake light out and probably have like unpaid  tickets and bench warrants), I hate those blue lights…anyway, they pulled up next to me, rolled down their window, held up my gas cap and were like, “Did you seriously look on the ground for five seconds, give up, and drive away.” I replied, shakily and red-faced, that I had. The two guys shook their heads in unison, rolled their eyes, and handed over the cap. Thanks for caring, APD. The end.

TINA!!! I will see you tonight and hopefully also see many of these faces. Your face – it’s as though it’s made of clay.

Posted in Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

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