Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Advice from Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on February 24, 2011

For some reason people keep asking me to do an advice segment. I’m assuming that’s because I give great advice. Let’s see how it goes.

Dear BBT,

My friends are acting weird. They used to call and email me about meeting up and doing stuff, but now they never contact me and they don’t even respond when I contact THEM! What’s going on? What can I do?

-Am I Loser? (Podunk, USA)

Dear Probably,

They’re cutting you out. There are many reasons as to why this is happening, but it’s probably something you did. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do except for make new friends – perhaps seek out people in a different part of town, or find some new hobbies. This way, you’ll tap into a whole new segment of the population who has no idea that you’ve been socially ostracized and have no friends. Chin up – you’re not a loser to people who don’t know any better!

Dear BBT,

I have a stalker. It’s not a creepy dude, it’s even worse – it’s a girl who, like, literally wants to be me. What if she goes all Single White Female on me?! I’m terrified. She keeps showing up wherever I am dressed just like me – I think she can see into my bedroom. What do I DOOOO??

-I’m Awesome (Awesomeville, USA)

Dear Are You Sure You’re That Awesome?,

I don’t like your tone. Maybe she’s just insecure and needs a friend – haven’t you ever read Chicken Soup for the Soul? Be nice; I have a feeling you’re one of those people who makes crap up for attention, and I don’t like it.

Dear BBT,

My roommate and I have not been getting along recently. Our power bill was over $300 last month and it’s all because she never turns off the lights and has like 15 lamps in her room (which is really weird in general). Also, she eats my food when she’s drunk, and it seriously pisses me off. Plus, she’s totally batsh*t bonkers and if I tell her I want to move out she’ll slice me in my sleep. How do I get her to want to move away from me so she thinks it’s all her idea?

-I Love My Leftovers (Poundtown, USA)

Dear Me Too,

Fear not! I have some great ideas:

  • Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
  • Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
  • Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake her up and say, “it’s time to go to bed now.”

If those don’t work, have her committed.

Hope that helped!!

MPvZB emailed me this earlier, and I was about to ask why she sent it when I realized the question I really should be asking is why WOULDN’T she send it. WWDD?

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 10 Comments »

Today is an extremely important day

Posted by AllieB on February 22, 2011

Happy Margarita Day!!! Today, February 22, is National Margarita Day. I can’t believe my good luck - what if I hadn’t happened to check out what those whack jobs Hoda and Kathie Lee were up to on the always insane third hour of the Today Show? What if I didn’t like margaritas? I mean…whoa.

Anyway, it is our duty, as citizens of America, to celebrate this holiday. It’s kind of like Cinco de Mayo without all the hoopla – I hate the hoopla of Cinco de Mayo…at least Rio Grande is gone. I did a “study” on the best margs in ATL a few months back: Best in Show: Margs. I stand by my assertion that Treehouse has the best ones, but The Big Ketch – which was not yet open at the time I wrote the last post – has really good Skinny ones…potato/potatto, as far as I’m concerned it’s a win/win.

Also, Buckhead Restaurant Week starts this Saturday. Standouts include Bricktops and Capital Grille – the Aria menu, per usual, fails to impress. I’m kind of pissed because about 2/3 of the restaurants participating have bumped their menus up to $35, which is uncalled for, IMO. What kind of mini-Stalin is running this show, anyway.

Sat Feb 26 thru Sun March 5 – click here for restaurants and menus

This weather is awesome, btw. I was freezing in Pakistan, which was actually a blessing because de-layering in warm weather is a non-option. Hello, rosacea.

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Just say no to saying no

Posted by AllieB on February 7, 2011

I’ve found that whether I have $20 or $200, I still do the same stuff. I don’t really understand how this works because that’s a pretty big $180 difference, but it seems to be so – I’m great at getting a bang for my buck, but I can also frivol away money in a manner that suggests I literally must be throwing it in the trash can because I can never account for a penny of it.

Truth be told, I’m much more likely to have $20 than $200, yet I find that I rarely have to miss out on anything. Saying no is among my least favorite things to do and it’s very bad for my FOMO Affliction, so I’ve had to figure out an Allie-friendly approach to dealing with my finances. See as follows:

  • Trader Joe’s. TJ’s is awesome for people like me: ie, people on a budget who like wine and stuffed pasta. I am not ashamed to say that last week I purchased a bottle of the Two Buck Chuck Cab Sav, and I paid for it with a one dollar bill and the remaining $2.01 in change. Counting out nickels isn’t anyone’s proudest moment, but whatever – money’s money.
  • Whole Foods. I know – Whole Pocketbook is on my “how to be thrifty” list?! But yes, it is: the samples. At the WF on W. Paces, there is always a table with carrots and your choice of Asian dressings (the Ginger is my favorite), and carrots are a power veggie! There’s usually at lease one fruit sample over in that fruit/veggie section, also. And if you’re careful to avoid things made with potatoes, you can get a heaping serving of healthy stuff from the cold salad bar for under $3.
  • It pays to not branch out. In consistently patronizing the same places, you make friendly with the bartenders/servers/owners, and they will reward your “regular” status with discounted wares.

So, those are the tricks of my trade: Trader Joe’s, meals out of free samples, and know people who own and/or work at places where you like to eat and drink. Also, cut jagerbombs out of your beverage repertoire.

I know this went viral before it even aired during the Super Bowl, but it’s a pretty awesome commercial…you don’t need sound to appreciate.

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

A BBT Exclusive: Survey of the Sexes

Posted by AllieB on January 27, 2011

Inspired by literary masterpieces such as Cosmopolitan and Maxim, I decided to do a short survey asking guys and girls what they like about each other in a very physical, on-the-surface sense. I’ve done the leg-work, I did the research, and now I have the answers…ish.

Without further ado…

  • Of the 19 males who participated, 68% are in a serious relationship, 32% are not
  • Of the 35 females, 66% are in a serious relationship, 34% are not
  • Ok, now for the good stuff

Q & A with the dudes:

Personally, I’m very pleased with the outcome of ass vs boob…to the second, I’m a bit surprised with Athletic Gear. I’d have thought that Corporate Attire would’ve been second, or perhaps Costume…shows what I know!

Lastly, here are some excerpts from the open ended statement, “I love it when my significant other/crush….”

– looks and acts particularly hot

– makes me laugh

– laughs

– answers the phone

– does something spontaneous

– Cooks gourmet meals

– Laughs

– strips

– Does pretty much anything totally unexpected.

– gets drunk and dances

– makes breakfast for me, cleans my house, does my laundry, is extremely rich, dresses up like richard simmons in bed

– doesn’t wear cardigans

If your answer is missing, that’s because it was outrageously inappropriate and I thank you very little for sharing such crassness with me. As for the ones I could include, my favorite is “doesn’t wear cardigans” because that is so random, and regarding “answers the phone” – it concerns me that this is what you love most about your significant other or crush…it doesn’t sound like things are going so well…

Q & A with the ladies:

I just realized I forgot to take my own survey. Dunce. Anyway – so, now you know: we don’t care much about your wardrobe, bank account, or abdominal region, but, unlike you, we don’t so much prefer the workout look. That’s likely because if a boy is in athletic gear, it means he probably smells like feet. Also, girls look better in spandex than guys do.

I gave girls the chance to answer the open-ended statement, “My favorite thing about my significant other/crush….” I was going to do excerpts, but they’re either redundant or ALSO much too inappropriate to share on BBT (turns out I have some pervy friends), so instead I will paraphrase what 35 females said is their favorite thing about their boo/wannabe boo and include a few noteworthy quotes:

  • he makes me laugh
  • he is considerate of me and values our relationship
  • he loves me in spite of how crazy I am
  • he is hot
  • he works really hard
  • I can embarrass myself in front of him
  • when he cooks for me
  • “his newfound love for reading”
  • “his bed-head”
  • “when he wears his glasses”

The End. I think my favorite part of this thing was reading the write-in responses, except the ones that were gross. People are weird, and some of you need to wash your mouths out with soap. I suppose that, overall, the results aren’t earth-shattering, but this wasn’t exactly the Spanish Inquisition…

Is it 5 yet? AWD’s…who’s with me??

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 16 Comments »

We’re not dumb!

Posted by AllieB on January 25, 2011

GREAT news: according to an article in The Atlantic, a new book by Stephen Braum, Buzz: The Science and Lore of Alcohol and Caffeine has concluded that “… alcohol does many things to the brain, one thing it clearly doesn’t do is wipe out neurons indiscriminately.” Well, I don’t know what that means, but, based on the supporting text of the aforementioned article, this guy Braum is saying that alcohol does NOT kill brain cells. Super! Those of you who’ve been blaming booze for your mental deficiencies over the years – better find a new excuse.

The article does mention lots of other bad stuff that alcohol can do – such as harming the brain’s ability to form new memories – but I pretty much quit reading after the good part. The link’s above if you’re just THAT curious to find out what maladies your lifestyle might be causing you.

On that note, I would like to mention a few of the Million Dollar Ideas pertaining to the beverage industry. I bet the people responsible for these creations are very, very smart with TONS of brain cells, but they probably can’t remember what they had for breakfast. Actually, I’m a bit worried about the guy who invented the Beer Pager (pic #3)…he might need to take it down a notch.

Meet & Greet: The Wine Rack and The Beer Belly. Bonus – worn in the winter time, the Rack and Belly could serve as an added layer of insulation against the elements (gizmodo.com)!

There is nothing more annoying than a wine spill in the purse…problem: solved.

Ok, this is overkill. I get it for your keys, but for your beverage…just go get a new one?

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

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