Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Topsy Turvy

Posted by AllieB on June 8, 2011

I woke up upside down in my bed this morning. That’s the first time I’ve ever done that…is that weird? I’m somewhat perplexed.

The sexting in this country has really gotten out of hand. First of all, if your last name is Weiner…well if your last name is Weiner and you’re a dude AND you’re an elected official often in the public eye, you should assume that if/when you decide to send an explicit photo of yourself, you will get caught. That’s just how that works. The Average Joe/Josephine might not be at such great risk for national exploitation, but it’s still good to exercise caution. If you insist upon getting freakay with your phone and sending X-rated pics via text, here are some tips:

– Use the “sepia” setting on your digital camera. If someone leaks the photos, you can say, “What? Don’t be crazy. These photos were clearly taken in the past.”

– Instead of a photo, send a scanned PDF of an erotic drawing of yourself…As an added security precaution, don’t be famous, work for the government, be an ordained religious leader, or ask a Kinko’s employee to scan the your drawing.

for more ideas like these: Safe Sexting

Or, you know, just don’t do it. Wisdom: imparted.

Did you know that the symbol of Atlanta is the Phoenix? I did not know this until yesterday – I was at the Atlanta History Center learning about Atlanta through the years, and the informational video mentioned it. How Hogwarts-y of us. I think it’s relative to the fact that Atlanta kept burning down but would always make a comeback, rising from the ashes even better than before. I guess we’re pretty scrappy, but I already knew that. It does, however, make me wonder what brainiac came up with Izzy as Atlanta’s mascot for the 1996 Olympics – how  come no one worked the whole Phoenix angle? Izzy literally has a stream of stars coming out of its butt. It’s embarrassing.

I need an iphone. The green-eyed monster is taking over and I can’t even be happy for those who have recently acquired them, switching over from their crapass Blackberrys. Char, K – I can’t even fake enthusiasm, I have only the flattest of faces for you both. And, just when I thought I was coming to terms with my iphone-less existence, I found these Jonathan Adler covers on shopbop. Does Jonathan Adler make covers for Blackberrys? What do you think. If I were a bigger person I’d get you one for your birthday, K. Unfortunately for you, I am not.

Despite the heat, I cannot switch over from my beloved red vino to my once beloved Sauv Blanc. I mean, I can go for a nice spritzer during brunch (that was nice the other day, wasn’t it E & Buff? Nobilo is good stuff), but when I’m hanging around at night, I just can’t bring myself to sip on it. Instead, I’ve taken to chilling my reds. I was goog’ing some drinks that included cold red wine, and I found this NYTimes article which not only condones, but heralds the practice of chilling your red. It’s nice to be validated. (This could be a good alternative to chunking cubes of ice in your glass, Sis – classy though that looks…(I’ve definitely never done that before, and I certainly didn’t do it just last night.))

I spy something….AWESOME. I like you every day, Leila, but on the days my VF comes, I like you a LOT. Talk about a gift that keeps on giving…

If you need me I’ll be on the couch with my chilled Pinot.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

On notice: Nancy Grace. Not on notice: PUPPIES!

Posted by AllieB on June 7, 2011

It’s cool to be in the know about current events, and as a purveyor of coolness I bring you a very special BBT: guest author and the newly named Crime Correspondent, Leila Ann. Nancy Grace, you better watch it because Leila Ann is coming for you/your job/your coiffure.

I watch the Today Show religiously and am really good at reading article headlines, so I have a general idea about a lot of things, but Leila…she takes it like 988 steps further, especially re: heinous acts of crime and those who commit them. This Casey Anthony trial is completely out of control, IMO. Leila Ann, evidently, thinks so as well. Even if you don’t know anything about the case in question, you should read this because it is hilar (NOT the subject matter – the verbiage):

On day 1 Casey’s defense lawyer,  Jose Baez attempted (to NO avail, IMO) to claim that Casey did NOT kill Caylee but that Caylee drowned in the family pool and that George Anthony (Caylee’s grandfather) helped dispose of the body.  The defense also claims that George molested Casey as a child leaving her emotionally scarred, thus the reasoning behind Casey not telling a SINGLE person for ONE month that her daughter was missing.

Here are my thoughts regarding Casey’s epic failure in selecting an adequate defense:

  1. Jose Baez received his degree to practice law from Strayer University
  2. I’m more apt to believe a mass email that upon forwarding to 10 friends within 1 minute, I will receive success, love, money and a unicorn.
  3. Early childhood molestation cannot be physically proven years after the fact…the only possible evidence would be for Casey to take the stand (if this does happen, you can find me at the Orlando Court House battling it out for one of the 60 seats available for public viewers).  Looking at Casey’s track record it’s clearly evident she is a compulsive liar, so yes, PLEASE put Casey on the stand.
  4. Lastly, by introducing such an outlandish theory the defense is going to have one helluva time proving their case.  Despite some holes in the prosecutors case, the defense could have potentially used the “accidental death” cover-up. However, Baez (evidently, fresh off an acid-trip) went WAY too far with his convoluted theory and has almost ZERO evidential proof.

If you’ve turned the news on at any point in the last 3 weeks, your probably aware that a lot more has taken place. If you’d like to know more, all you have to do is ask…I can go on for days.  If I ever was elected to Congress and needed to filibuster, this would be my topic.

So, there you have it. We can now all watch with breath that is baited for how this pans out. Thank you, Leila, your wisdom and insight is always appreciated, especially in arenas about which I know so little. I’m happy to bring on other correspondents…MP – if you’d like to write about the wonder that are the fried goat cheese balls at Ecco, that might be acceptable. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life…and BBT is nothing if not muy caliente.

I’ve been setting up my home office the past few days, and it’s coming along nicely. Upon learning that Comcast couldn’t come hook up my internet until Thursday of this week and would charge me an extra 10 bones to do so, I decided to pick up the materials from the Comcast Office off Chamblee Tucker and install it myself. Allie, no. Between the time spent driving out to Chamblee, the waiting in line, the insufficient items provided, my two trips to Best Buy and the 17 mins on the phone with Customer Service, I’m thinking I should have just left it to the professionals….although a professional could not give me this self-satisfied sense of ownership I feel when I look at the blinking lights of my router – you can’t put a price on that. I’ve rearranged my furniture like five times and I’ve yet to figure out a pleasing layout…I have a date with IKEA this week. That, surely, will go well.

THIS WEEK:

  • Tuesday 6/7: Howell Mill Food Park hosts a myriad selection of food trucks, including TEX’S TACOS (here’s this week’s truck schedule), amongst others…
  • ADOPT A PUPPY!!! These three SO-ADORABLE-I-want-to-SQUEEEEEZE-THEM black lab puppies are in a foster home for now, but they need permanent homes…..this is through Atlanta Lab Rescue, and I’m being totally serious: be a hero and go adopt a puppy.

Posted in Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

How to be domestic, kind of

Posted by AllieB on June 2, 2011

Whenever I think about cooking something, I usually go buy it. However, in the rare occasion that I do mention a recipe, you really ought to pay attention because it means that whatever I am talking about is both really, really delicious and retardedly easy – like, so simple that even Domestic Allie can handle it.

So there we are: Tybee Island, GA. We had an awesome day of fishing on Nelson’s boat, and we even caught some stuff! Well, Yancey, Sis, and Pal did – I wrangled a horseshoe crab then body-slammed it back into the water. They almost called PETA on me and rightly so – I don’t know what came over me. Anyway, after our day on the boat, we decided to cook out at Yancey’s Mom’s house – this the view from the marsh dock; it’s pretty nice.

We had flounder, blueflish, whitefish…I think that’s it…and apps and a salad, but no dessert. The Baxter Fam used to spend summers at Pawley’s Island, and I have vague memories of Key Lime pie being a part of these trips, so that’s what came to mind. We had neither the time nor the interest in making our own pie, so we picked one up from Publix (totally acceptable under the circumstances, maybe like a 6.5 on a scale of 1 – 10).

If you plan ahead just a couple hours and have ten extra minutes on your hands, make the pie below. It is seriously better than any Key Lime pie I’ve ever had, anywhere. And if you’re like, “hey, I already have a recipe and it calls for Jell-O,” tear it up and try this one (Credit: Char).

Nellie & Joe’s Key Lime Pie

  • 9″ graham cracker pie crust (reduced fat works just fine)
  • 14 oz. can of sweetened condensed milk*
  • 3 egg yolks (whites not used)
  • ½ cup Nellie & Joe’s Key West Lime Juice
  • Whipped cream (I like CoolWhip Lite)

Combine milk, egg yolks and lime juice. Blend until smooth. Pour filling into pie crust and bake at 350º for 15 minutes. Allow to stand 20 minutes and then refrigerate for a couple of hours. If you’re pressed for time you can maybe get away with freezing it for 15-25 minutes. It’s edible immediately, but if you’re serving it to guests be sure to chill it. Just before serving, top with freshly whipped cream, or meringue, and garnish with lime slices.

*Charlotte, my older sister and expert baker, always makes me these pies when I go to visit her in SoFLA. She recently discovered that if you switch out regular condensed milk with a can from the Ethnic Foods Aisle, Hispanic Section, it’s even better.

It’s not every day that BBT shares not only a recipe, but a TOP SECRET INGREDIENT. You’re welcome.

Speaking of limes and things that are delicious, here’s Esquire Magazine’s recipe for a Moscow Mule (I almost used Oprah’s, but when it comes to booze I think Esquire is the more trustworthy source.). I like these spritzy beverages all year round, but they’re perfect for the furnace that is Atlanta’s summer. YUM I want one right now…it looks so refreshing…

 

 

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Tex’s Tacos: yes, please

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2011

While they claim they’re not “reinventing the wheel,” Mac Helms and Harrison Jones, owners/chefs of the brand new Tex’s Tacos, have somehow managed to offer a new spin on standard Tex-Mex cuisine – “Nueva Texicana” – and they nailed it. With a “home base” located in the heart of Buckhead next to our nearest and dearest, Kramerica Industries, they are also taking their product mobile – today, for instance, the truck is at the Prominence Building in Buckhead from 11:45 – 2:00.

Tex’s has only been open for a weekend, but the food was superb as was the service. I obviously plan to try everything on the menu, but so far I especially recommend the following:

  • Carne Asada taco – perfectly seasoned and cooked beef with grilled onions, cilantro, guac and queso fresco
  • Al Pastor quesadilla with pork. The Al Pastor is unlike anything I’ve ever had: slow-roasted pork marinated in chillies and pineapple topped with onions, pineapple, fresh cilantro and queso fresco. The cheese was melted to gooey perfection wherein it was more of a glue for the ingredients than an extra ingredient itself. It was seriously awesome.
  • Chips, salsa, and guac: the chips are the amazing kind like Rio Bravo used to have – paper thin and super fresh. (I am seriously having a hard time letting go of Rio Bravo even though it’s been closed for over a decade…maybe Tex’s can help???)

parked outside home base in Buckhead

Mac and Harrison worked on the recipes for months and have pretty much got it figured out… I’m waiting on those cheese fries, fellas. They will frequently offer late night fare on the weekends from their store front (which is great – there is definitely a noted lack of such spots in Buckhead), yet their food is light and fresh enough to seek out for a mid-week lunch. Follow them on Twitter to find out truck locations. Everything is $5 or under AND they accept cash and credit cards.

BBT says: you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t go to here.

Between these guys and Yumbii, I may never have Taco Bell again…

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

Advice from Bark Twice (Numero Dos)

Posted by AllieB on March 3, 2011

The first installment of my advice-giving piece went over well, so, for lack of better fun and interactive Thursday ideas, I’m going with it. I really want to do another survey, but I’m having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Should you have a suggestion, please share. Anyway, here we go: Round 2.

Dear BBT,

My friends have been pressuring me into getting a tattoo. Of our group of 6, everyone but me has a large Chinese symbol on either their back or lower abdomen. They keep calling me a pansy or a wuss for not getting one. I mean, I guess theirs are cool – the symbols mean important, relevant things like “peace” and “serenity” and, like, “wise” or something. I don’t want them to cut me out – I don’t want to end up like “Am I a Loser” from last week! Help!

-Peer Pressured (Bulls-Eye, USA)

Dear Tramp Stamp,

Congratulations, you are the winner of this week’s DUNCE award! You have to wear your dunce hat for a full seven days so everyone knows what an idiot you are for even considering succumbing to the peer pressure of your dumbass friends and marring your skin with an erroneously translated LARGE Chinese symbol. $1,000 that your friend’s “peace” tat means “man hands.”

*Disclaimer to my pals with body art: none of this applies to you.

Dear BBT,

I want to start a blog. Should I? I mean, is it hard? I just don’t know if I’d be any good at it…

-Indecisive (Blahville, USA)

Dear If You Have to Ask, the Answer Is No.

Note to self: get a second dunce hat.

Dear BBT,

I have a crush on this guy, but I don’t think he even knows I’m alive. Well, actually, he does because last week when I was trying to make my way over to talk to him, I tripped on my huge feet and poured my drink all over his clothes. It was so embarrassing for both of us because where I spilled made it look like he had wet himself – everyone was laughing at him more than me. Anyway, he has avoided me ever since and I don’t know how to make him not hate me! Please help.

-I can’t help it (Klutztown, America)

Dear Is Your Name Allie,

Wait, seriously, are you trying to make fun of me or something because this sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Well, I don’t really have the klutz problem, but I’ve been known to pull equally imbecilic moves like inadvertently making fun of a guy’s grandmother or something. It’s very hard to properly shoulder-dip and head-toss when your foot is in your mouth – I think my only hope is to one day just stop talking. As for you, maybe you can not walk and drink simultaneously…? Your Q has me stymied – it’s like the blind leading the blind. Good luck to the both of us.

If you would like your question pondered by BBT, please send an email to regina.phalange@imakealloftheseup.bbt.

Tis a glorious day in the ATL! There’s a new Pinkberry opening in Buckhead next to Borders and CVS across from Dick’s and Target and from 6 – 10 p.m. tonight they’re serving up free yogurt! And don’t forget about the free fries from Chick-fil-A tomorrow from 2 – 4 p.m. To round out my freebie trifecta, I just reserved a Turkey Cobb Sandwich from Corner Bakery and will be retrieving said sammy next Thursday after work.

Today, I leave you with these tweets from Steve Martin. I’m telling you, I love The Twitter.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

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