Baxter Bark Twice

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Dear 22-Year-Old Self…

Posted by AllieB on May 29, 2014

Today’s post is not by me, but my great friend Amy whom you all know as “A.” She posted the following ruminations on Facebook this week, and, based on the obscene number of likes, it really resonated with people – I know it did with me, and I’d be remiss to not share here on BBT. Without further ado…

Sure, it’s been done – and whelp I did it too. For those who know me – you know – I write. I write for work, I write to write and hell, I write to get out of my own head. A few months ago, I overheard a girl’s convo on the plane… she had just turned 22; I had recently turned 31 (omg). Gah to be 22 again or 25 or 28 (or not!). It triggered this stream of consciousness… I found it yesterday, re-read it and re-read it again. Maybe you’ll find a nugget or two that speaks…

[edit free. don’t judge typos.]

What I would tell my 22-year-old self…and sometimes have to remind my 31 year-old self.

Don’t stress the small stuff.

Be nicer

Get over yourself. You’re actually not too cool for a lot of things.

Words hurt  – and linger

You can’t actually just get away w anything.

Forgive.

Boys will hurt you, get over it. They’re not worth it.

There will be one that’s worth it; he’ll make you laugh when you want to cry. He won’t disappear when things suck. He won’t be perfect, he’ll just do everything to make you think he is. Be kind to him. Be very kind to him, but don’t smother him. Don’t let him smother you. And be patient.

Trust

Have faith

Dance when no one else is

Respect yourself, respect others no matter their ‘status’ in life.

Take advantage of every single moment w your girlfriends. Your lives will inevitably take different paths- embrace every second.

Be in the moment. Take it all in.

Don’t drink Bella Pinot or Cavit….magnums…in one sitting.

Life is too short to drink bad wine! Enjoy it.

Be smart.

Talk smart.

Walk smart.

Be witty, be clever, be funny. It’s okay if people don’t get it.

Embrace your eccentricity – there will be haters, but there will be lovers. You’re weird. Own it. The right people will join in your weirdness. The right person will fall in love w you for it – and you’ll love him.

TRAVEL – culture makes the world better – embrace it, incorporate it.

Don’t obsess over your weight or your clothes.  If you like it, makes you feel good. Do it. Just own it.

Failing is okay. It’s a must – makes for some of the best growing and excelling. So take risks – at work, at life, at love.

There is no such thing as perfection.

Attention from boys does not define how pretty or lovable you are.

Respect your parents. Listen to their advice, they actually do have a clue.

Spend more nights at home.  JOMO is better than FOMO.

Take every opportunity to go…travel…experience it. Don’t drink it into oblivion. Remember the moments.

4 inch heels in every color do actually go out of style. And hurt your back! So do tube tops.

No make up, long hair and all natural do not. Comfort is king…But do your best to look good sporting it!

Moderation is key.

Don’t skip your workout – but don’t beat yourself up if you do.

Put your phone down.

Always take pictures.

Keep some of your secrets!

Health is the ticket to a mentally and physically happy life.

There is life beyond breakups and heartache. True story.

Broken hearts make bigger stronger hearts. More enduring hearts. More compassionate hearts. More appreciative hearts.

You will be self-sufficient.

It is your job to make you happy, and never at the expense of others.

You’re gonna have to work your ass off. Period. Do things you love.

You have to try and you have to try again.

You must be open-minded and tolerant.

Never take a cheap laugh at the expense of someone else.

Relax. Hit the reset button And move on.

Vacations never get old.

Neither does red lipstick.

Or simple pleasures like fresh air Or floating in the ocean. Or driving with your windows down, or catching the sunset at the exact right moment or your favorite song when u need it most. Or the moment someone makes you smile…when your day seems bleak. Take in the little things. Don’t be too distracted and miss them.

Make out sessions get even better; Don’t trade them in for anything. But choose wisely. Save your kisses, but don’t hoard them!

Don’t use your sexuality to manipulate someone.

Be empowered to take control of it- as much as you want to give in. Hold it close.

Keep your heart open. Even after it’s been tampered with. It heals. It gets stronger. Use it, like any other muscle, or it will get weak.

Go to church.

Pray – not for what you want- for what you have in your life. Talk to God everyday, start your day w Him, and end it w Him- not just when you’re sad or feeling weak – when your strong and things are just right.

Give thanks.

Always say thank you.

Don’t tail old people on the road. Be patient. You’ll be old and slow one day too!

Never judge. Never. You have no idea what other people are dealing with. Life is water.

Smiling resting face is better than bitchy resting face.

Overcome your ego. It only holds you back and forces unwise decisions.

Learn something new everyday. Never stop learning and absorbing. Read. Write.

Keep day dreaming. studies now say you’re more creative if you let yourself!

Towel time gets better with age!

Take care of your body. Eat well. Sleep well.

Yoga is the best for the mind and body.

Find balance, set your intention.

Be in control, but be willing to let go.

Listen. Shut your mouth and just listen.

Be at peace with life. Love yourself. Love others. Wholly.

You’ll love music forever. You’re mixing the soundtrack of your life- so be free, make it good, but choose wisely…

True dat, A. Wisdom: imparted. You don’t have to agree with everything – it’d be weird if you did – but a little self-reflection never hurt anyone, ya know? Even if it’s just for a moment or two. The bad news is that we’ll never be 22 again, but the good news is…we’ll never be 22 again. With age comes wisdom…and vacations :)

I think I’ve out-EMO’ed myself. To you and yours: a very happy Thursday and weekend!

re: girlfriends and travel...check!

guest author A – AllieB – K at The Breakers last weekend. I do know that my 22-year-old self could not have planned a last minute trip to the beach with two favorites… #30yroldperks

 

 

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

Posted by AllieB on January 23, 2014

I write today about choosing the company you keep. At this point in my life, I know exactly who I like, who I don’t like, and who I wish to send here, and it’s time to make some changes. I’ve outlined some methods that focus on the implementation of passive-aggressive behavior – as everyone knows, such conduct is a highly effective and emotionally prudent way to drop the zeros and get with only heroes.  See below.

#1: Trim the Fat. Cut the B-Team. You know – the people who are a third, maybe fourth resort when you’re looking to make plans. Wouldn’t you rather stay home than force awkward conversation while pretending to not look over their shoulder to see if there’s anyone better to talk to? I would. Done. It’s hard enough to keep your inner circle at arms length – these peeps gotta go.

#2: Just Say No. “Allie, want to get lunch today?” Nope. “Does anyone want to meet for happy hour?” Sure don’t. “Want to go shopping in Brooklyn?” Absolutely not. “So-and-so’s playing at Bowery tonight – wanna go?” What do you think?

#3: Flat Face. I talk about “flat face” all the time: it is the ultimate unimpressed expression that reeks of judgement and disdain. Cut to a Thursday evening at your favorite bar/restaurant –  you’re sitting at a table with a few friends, having a really fun conversation, oblivious to all around you. Then you sense it: the lurking presence of some stain primed to ruin everything. He interjects, “Well, hey there ladies…” Say nothing, just turn slowly to him with your flattest face and maintain eye contact for a couple seconds – trust me, he’ll pick up what you’re putting down…he might even cry a little. Be advised: this sometimes goes awry if you’re with people who do not employ FF and instead entertain strangers as though they might bring something of value to the evening. When this happens, you will look like a total bitch. Me, I say: Mission Accomplished!

flat faced

:|

#4: Radio Silence. Stop responding altogether.

#5: Salt-n-Pepa. Conversely, let’s say someone has decided to ignore you – who knows why, probably because of something you did – and they’re trying to utilize the approach described in #4. Under no circumstances will you take this lying down: instead you assault (“salt”) them with texts and pepper (“pepa”) them with questions. This strategy is actually empowering because you are knowingly foiling their Radio Silence plan, and knowledge is power. The Mess-er, as they say, becomes the Mess-ee. See below for a “salting” in the literal sense.

salt the snail

Sister, you are to me what Gail the Snail is to Charlie. xoxo

So there ya have it – 5 easy steps to fewer friends and more enemies…you are welcome! Also, I’m kidding*

*Except for number 3**

**OK, let’s get real for a sec: I’m trying – like in real life – to do the opposite of everything I just said. Especially #3, even though that’s going to be very hard for me, but it’s time to expand my horizons. I realized recently I am my own worst enemy when it comes to social ventures – I’m used to being included by default, but if you say no enough people really will start to get the hint. It is incumbent upon my nearest and dearest to hold me accountable as I attempt to eradicate these bad habits. Consider this needlessly sarcastic post a cry for help.

ANYWAY in other news…

Superbowl XLVIII is Broncos v Seahawks! And it’s in NYC!! Actually, it’s in Jersey, but whatevs. Not gonna lie, I was pulling for Tom and the Pats on Sunday (I have a thing for Tom), but this should be a good game. TBD who I’m cheering for – right now I’m thinking I’ll take chicken wings over the hummus.

I made this in 2011 - I still think it's some of my best work

Alsele & Tom

What a nice, non-creepy photo. I hope Tom Brady doesn’t have a Goog alert set for his name…I’d be so embarrassed if Tom Brady saw this!

Aaaand the weather outside is weather.

Winter Storm Janus. Who's naming these things?!

Outside our apt Tuesday evening. Credit: my roomie OBatt

Winter Storm Janus hit the Northeast coast pretty rough on Tuesday. Who’s naming these things?!

I screen-grabbed my own Snap. Yep.

Post-spin, pre-#wine. I screen-grabbed my own Snap

Have wonderful Thursdays. MC & KR, I’m thinking margs for this eve…? A spicy jalapeno one, to be specific.

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2013 -> No Más

Posted by AllieB on December 19, 2013

2013 was the year of – what: it was the year of twerking, Snapchat, Kanye, Netflix, and my 30th birthday. It was a lousy year for the cruise industry (CARNIVAL), but SNL has been pretty funny. As I do every year, I marvel at how quickly it’s gone by…luckily, the month of January feels like it’s 3 full years, all on its own, so I figure that’ll help balance things out. Here now, a woefully incomplete list of random things in 2013, superlative-ized.

– Most likely to boggle ze mind: Wall Street Journal does 2013 in photos. These are incredible – you gotta take a look.

super moon NYC

The super moon on June 23, 2013 as seen in Manhattan #badass

- Most universally annoying thing that I secretly do not find annoying: selfies.

– Best example of why it’s great to be a Georgia Bulldog and not a SC Gamecock: Someone Caught Steve Spurrier Humping a Yoga Ball

– BBT’s most read post: ALRIGHT. So when I get mad, BBT gets good? (JSimps, the Post Office, the hot girl at Equinox…no one’s safe)

– BBT’s most gratuitous use of p0rn (spoiler: it’s food p0rn): Hide Your Crazy and Start Acting Like A Lady – I also like the post in general: personal truths, my new ‘hood, some tunes, and, of course, lobsta rolls…(I had to use a 0 instead of an o, my internet filter does not like that word.)

– Best place in the entire world to be around Christmas: NYC

grand central

– Most likely to wear short skirts and move to Boston and become a lawyer: my senior superlative in high school. The newspaper staff made them up, and I was on the newspaper staff so I got off easy – come to think of it, I might have even made it up myself… Nerd.

– Most likely to make you shake your first and ask, WHY GOD WHY: you can’t pick your family, and you can’t pick where you’re from: Grantland’s Rembert Brown does poetic justice to the injustice that was afflicted upon Atlanta sports fans this fall.

– Best dog of the year/century/millennium: Missy Baxter. We miss you, Missy :(

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

– …but this dog is a close second. This story made my entire year.

– Hardest restaurant to get a reservation: it’s not even in NYC – Canoe in ATL wins this. I called like 7 weeks ago and they were already booked up for Christmas Eve. WTF Canoe? Whatevs, ever since they started curtailing their bread basket by having waiters distribute SINGULAR pieces, as opposed to the legit carb orgy they used to do, I’m kind of over it anyway. UPDATE: Canoe literally just called – there was a cancellation, and we’re in. I take back what I said about the bread and being over it – y’all knew that was a bunch of BS. I guess Canoe is no longer worthy of this superlative, I’ll go with Charlie Bird (Mary, what’s your secret!?) or ABC Kitchen.

– Sneakiest giraffe/most typical tourists:

stupid tourists! serves them right.

As taken by me, with my iPhone, in Pilanesberg, ZA

– Most likely to suffer from injuries due to an omnipresent Melvin: Miley Cyrus.

– Most legitimately useful information that I will likely never use: these 99 life hacks. The mind REELS.

– Most inopportune moment to drop a curtsy: at my work  Christmas party, I walked out of the restroom at the same time as the President of our company did (he out of the men’s room, me out of women’s – duh), which is an inherently awkward meet and greet all on its own. Never one to miss out on a potentially humiliating encounter, I CURTSIED before him – just as one might the Queen – and raised my glass of champagne as I bade him a pleasant evening. Why would you do that, Allie? I don’t know.

– Most exclusive, seen-and-be-seen event of the year:

Doc4

– Least tan person in the world, on average, over the last 12 months: Me. Or maybe Fleming.

– Most likely to touch a frozen pole with her tongue and get stuck: Miley Cyrus.

– Best gift for the person who has everything – guarantee you they don’t have this: The Kanye West Pug Calendar: 2014% Awesome

kanye february

It’s been a good year! I blogged almost weekly (almost), I got my hair balayage-ed/ombré-ed (I think I like it?), and I rode the Staten Island Ferry.  I also knocked out my sixth continent and got Amazon Prime – 2013 was wild! Who knows what 2014 will bring for BBT…perhaps there will be some external ventures…maybe in the form of a novel? I KNOW, I’ll stop talking and start doing. HAPPIEST of Holidays to you and yours!!

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Good to Know Vol. III

Posted by AllieB on November 7, 2013

Oh hey. I don’t think there was a Good to Know Vol I or II, but I wanted to give myself a head start. Herewith: some pearls of wisdom, observant observations, and a corgi. And a Hilary.

1. Happy Birthday, HILARY. Have y’all met Allary? She is Allie + Hilary. This freaks me out in a big way.

Alhi

 I feel like my eyes are messed up. What is happening. DO NOT WANT!

2. Jason Isbell’s album Southeastern: buy it.

3. If you ever tire of lighting your money on fire or throwing twenties in the garbage, by all means spend some time among the items displayed in the Sephora check-out line. It will have the same affect.

4. There’s a reason southern women are so pretty and non-weathered: it’s because they aren’t ravaged by northeastern winters every year. Winter is way harsh on the epidermis, and I’m already on the offensive. First, Yu-Be Moisturizing Skin Cream. I’m a sucker for all-purpose moisturizers, especially ones made in other countries without the pesky FDA to approve them – this one comes from Japan. It’s not at all greasy and kind of reminds me of Carmex without being too Carmex-y. Good for hands, face, cuts, burns, etc etc etc. Second, Benefit Watt’s Up. Good bye ghoulish, ghostly winter pallor – helloooo glowing snow bunny! It’s a highlighter for your face. Use with blush/bronzer and you’ll glow like a worm.

collage makeup

Come at me, Motha Nature

5. I originally had my your/you’re grammar peeve for #5, but I’ve decided to let it go. Your welcome.

6. Kale. UGH I am so over kale. But even I know how dumb it would be to not eat it on principle (I have principles?!), and my preferred method of consumption is via chip. Kale chips are the bomb.edu. I don’t eat them because they are nutritious; I eat them because they are delicious. But heed me on this: said chips should only be consumed in the presence of someone whom you trust implicitly, someone you know will say, “yo, you’ve got something in your teeth” because, after this leafy snack, you will have a whole garden of kale in your chompers. What’s not in your teeth will be on your shirt – this can be hard to spot if you’re wearing a dark color, just FYI. Maybe no kale chips on a first date.

7. I was the only female in my subway car this morning. I counted 35 dudes, give or take, and then me. That’s weird, right?? I thought that was weird.

8. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the author Bill Bryson. I realize that his books, on on the outset, might not seem terribly exciting, but they ARE – he can make boring, random, pointless crap absolutely delightful. I just started his new book, One Summer: America, 1927 and not only have I already laughed outloud many times, I have also learned a lot. I love laughing and learning! Nerd.

9. Do you follow Humans of New York? DO it. Do it now: Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, buy the book. It is my favorite thing on the internet.

10. The 33 Dumbest Things That Have Ever Happened is pretty entertaining. Upsetting, but entertaining.

Jack's best friend's emergency:

11. I’m only on 11?

12. THIS corgi. I just keep looking at him and smiling. So regal.

corgi

 Sprawled. Credit: FlemBot

13. Speaking of ole FlemBot, I wound up dressing up for Halloween after all.While I am not a particular fan of Grateful Dead, I felt okay dressing up as Sugar Magnolia because I know some of the words to the song. Plus, I love a floral domepiece. Halloween in NYC is a spectacle. I feel like everyday could be Halloween in this city, but on October 31 people achieve a whole new level of freak.

scarlett begonias sugar magnolia

Scarlet Begonias & Sugar Magnolia, y’all

14. Make this on Sunday and have it for lunch all week: Fall Orzo Salad with Butternut Squash, Bleu Cheese, and Pomegranate Seeds. The recipe doesn’t mention the pomegranate seeds, that’s BBT’s Top Secret Ingredient. And by BBT’s I mean Fresh & Co., the place where I purchased the salad yesterday. It was so delicious and it really does seem easy to make, so I goog’ed the recipe and that one’s pretty close. I don’t know what pepitas are – perhaps use pumpkin seeds instead.

Cooking tips are not really under my purview…I should probably leave the recipe talk to the 4,968,999 cooking blogs out there. Hey, look – I have a camera and I heated up some pre-made chocolate chip cookies! People should see this! And don’t EVEN get me started on the fashion let’s-take-a-picture-of-me-in-my-outfit sites…..I feel like, since I have a blog (www.baxterbarktwice.com), I have free rein to judge other people who have blogs. I gotta say, I’m pretty unimpressed. The Bill of Rights is great and I do love America, but there are a lot of people whose right to Freedom of Speech should absolutely be revoked.

15. I love a good cityscape, and NYC never lets me down.

nyc sunrise

Yesterday morning’s sunrise. Prob spent longer taking/enhancing/posting this pic than I did actually running. #priorities

16. Sixteen Candles, Sweet Sixteen, 16 Handles….ok yeah, I’m done.whiteflag

I hope you all have really great Thursdays. Me, I have a packed night of plans – a quick stop at the salon for some personal primping, an art show, dinner at Pylos with some gal pals…you know, just L-I-V-I-N’

Baxter, out

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Anything you can do, I can do almost or equally as well

Posted by AllieB on October 3, 2013

I’ve mastered the subways; I emerge from underground and know instinctively which way is N/S/E/W; you should see me weave thru the herds of cattle throngs of people on the sidewalk; I stuck out my tongue at a cab driver last week when he violated my right of way – let’s face it, y’all, I’m a New Yawker.

alexandra

a saavy city girl from the very beginning. that’s right – GIRL

While I think we can all agree these are noteworthy accomplishments, I’ve still yet to conquer my Everest: mastering the art/science/I think it might be magic of making dinner reservations. I spent a good chunk of time this week trying to find two restaurants that will impress my high-brow foodie friends, A and K, when they come to visit, and I’m getting the proverbial talk-to-the-hand at every place I’ve tried. I mean, this is like a month in advance! Evidently no one A) knows who I am or B) is aware that I manage a very dated and irrelevant restaurant guide to Atlanta. K&A, how do you feel about dining at 5:30? Actually, wait: who needs restaurants – we’re all talented chefs, why don’t we just cook our own meals!?! And let’s be sure not to have any wine at all.

what would happen if we did either of those things

what would happen if we did either of those things

Obviously, none of us would ever find ourselves in this sort of situation, and I want to be very clear that I am NOT condoning such behavior, but when I saw this I thought I’d better share: The Rules for Calling in Sick When You’re Actually Hungover. Upon completion I found myself wanting to seek out Captain Obvious so I could thank him for sharing such brand new information, but who am I to judge – let’s see what I’ve got:

1. Mind over matter. I am a strong believer in this: stop wallowing and get over it. I am lucky not to get the voms when I am overserved, so I’m sure this is easier said than done…but most of the time I feel like people are just being big babies.

2. Water: it’s not a myth. Water before, during, and after your ill-advised outing will help tremendously. And cold Vitamin Water Zero in the morning is like nectar of the gods.

3. A lot of people say exercise. Me, not so much

4. Oh. I was supposed write a list about how to call in sick when you’re hungover. I don’t really have any tips on that for I hath ne’er done such a thing.

5. Cpt Obvs: 1, BBT: 0

But seriously: drink water.

Ok, this is weird, right? Mediocre-hurdler-turned-bobsledding-hopeful, Lolo Jones, is trying to gain 60 lbs to make “bobsled weight.” Her daily diet includes two 1,365 protein shakes and FOUR double bacon cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. This approach seems flawed. She is literally going to turn into a double bacon cheeseburger…literally. Ehhh, Lolo makes me uncomf – she seems like she’s kind of nuts, if not a little bit delusional:

“My abs are still there,” she said. “I’m still cut, just super solid.”

Yeah, a super solid double bacon cheeseburger…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, G FORCE!!!!! Remember that time we went to Pakistan? Such adventures we’ve had…I love you!!

incognito in Lahore

incognito in Lahore. also, barefoot. ew

TGIT! Feels good to be back on sched…truthfully, I’ve had a whole week of Thursdays, but I’m glad everyone else is now on my same page.

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