Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Celebs’ Category

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On Notice: J Simps

Posted by AllieB on November 15, 2010

Seriously, Jessica? Your behavior in recent weeks has me yearning for the days when your indiscretions were confined to wardrobe blunders and unfortunate sound bites.

So, again I ask: seriously, Jessica? Your engagement to NFL free agent Eric Johnson is equal parts pathetic and stupid. Your ex-husband Nick and his longtime girlfriend, Vanessa, got engaged but two weeks ago, you had an unfortunate run-in at an LA eatery wherein you got drunk and said insulting things about them (a.k.a. the most innocuous couple of all time), and now you’ve gone and gotten engaged to a man whom you’ve not only been dating for only five months or so, but whose divorce from his own wife was finalized only last  September – as in, two months ago. To me, the cons outnumber the pros by about a gazillion to one. The close proximity in which  you secured your own engagement to that of your ex is truly laughable, and it’s quite clear that you threatened the poor guy – or maybe your Dad did – a gun to the head, perhaps?

Never one to humiliate yourself on a single level when there are other arenas in which to fail, your Christmas single, “My Only Wish” off your new holiday  album is a very sad, very obvious rip-off of Mariah Carey’s classic, “All I Want for Christmas (Is You).” Why, why would you choose that song – of all the Christmas songs – to copycat. Your half-ass version is not good, and no one is going to listen to it when they can just listen to Mariah’s instead. Please see a comparison of the lyrics below – it’s  hard to even read, must less listen to.

Between these two latest gaffes plus the others I wrote about a few months ago…I just – I don’t know what to say, moving forward. Given how things have been going for you recently, I’d take extra precautions when performing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – there are 13 – 14 deaths/year  by way of parade float, so…just sayin’ – ya better watch out…

That was morbid, lo siento. I’m just fed up with your nonsense – pump the brakes, reel it in, and stop being so stupid. Then we’ll talk.

P.S. Congrats on the engagement…kudos for choosing such a fugly unique ring.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Well, I’ll be…

Posted by AllieB on November 11, 2010

Gwyneth Paltrow – a jack of all trades: actress, singer, blogger, mother… Honestly, she seems like she’d be really, really boring to actually hang out with, but I thought she was great at the CMA’s last night!

I still think Goop is the most condescendingly superior piece of crap ever, but I nevertheless appreciate her skillz in other arenas – stick to the performing arts, Gwynnie, no one needs your homemade ricotta recipes or thoughts on Mary Magdalene…

Thursday! Or my Friday, actually, as I am taking the day off tomorrow for no other reason other than that I feel like it. Also, I have excess vacay days, and the holidays are always really busy around l’office, so I figure I better take what I can get.

As a longtime devotee of the Today Show, I am therefore subjected to our local 11 Alive news station as well. I still miss Flip Spiceland, but I have become a fan of Chesley McNeil – he’s a total nerd but in a very endearing way. Anyway, they give each daily forecast a rating using the Wizometer, which rates the weather on a scale of 1 – 11. On this day, on 11/11, Chesley gave today’s weather an 11. The 11 Alive weatherman gave today, 11/11, an 11. The mind reels.

I really do love Thursdays.

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

smorgasbord

Posted by AllieB on October 18, 2010

I find Russell Brand to be completely hilarious. It’s his delivery, his off-the-wall sentiments expressed in a matter-of-fact manner, to the point where, as the listener/reader, you’re prepared to find the utter nonsense streaming from his mouth completely legitimate and normal.

Case in point (excerpts from Vulture):

  • Per an audience member’s question, he doesn’t have plans to collaborate with Tim Burton, but he’d like to. “We’d get on. We could talk about hair and Gothic fairy tales, England, whimsy, and tortured adolescence.”
  • When he met the Queen of England, he was somehow with James Blunt, “whose voice is indiscernible in my mind from a clown’s horn” and who was once also a member of the Royal Guard. “That’s not fair! They’ve got all sorts of things to talk about. Like, ‘Oh, do you remember when you used to guard me? Thanks.’ What am I going to say? ‘Oh, I’m Shagger of the Year.’ She’s smiling rather generously, but part of me knows that that is just the remaining smile from James Blunt and it’s about to crumble into a deep frown.”

Maybe it’s just me…I don’t know, I think he’s hysterical.  I also think this video of Alphonso Smith of the Detroit Lions doing the Carlton Dance is funny. It’s hardly brand new information, but it’s Monday morning, so I don’t much care if I’m on the cutting edge or not.

Last and most certainly least, Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson are splitsville. Perhaps it’s been this relationship that’s perpetuated her fugliness, and now she’s on to bigger (no pun intended) and better…! I’m definitely interested to hear her new holiday album – I like pop stars’s holiday albums the best. Read: Mariah Carey.

Oh wait, one more thing: that is ENOUGH, Taylor Momsen. I wonder if one day, many years from now, she’ll be considering a family of her own and then remember, “goshdarnit, I hope those pictures of me dressing like a gothic prostitute with a penchant for violence aren’t still floating around…”

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Meet & Greet: Dee

Posted by AllieB on October 14, 2010

Dee Reynolds on Always Sunny in Philadelphia is quickly becoming my favorite character on television.

Here’s why (it gets amazing at 57 seconds, and you do need sound):

Dee: [reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley]

Alright, Oh shit there’s stickers. “Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike.” Really? “I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real ‘home run.'”

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn’t succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Posted in Celebs | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

This is not okay.

Posted by AllieB on October 5, 2010

Heidi Montag is the most accurate personification of everything that is wrong with Hollywood ever, in all the history of everything that has ever been wrong with Hollywood.

Bal Harbour Plastic Surgery Associates has come up with the really neat idea where you, too, can “Heidi Yourself” by uploading a picture and then playing with one of the TEN surgery options that Heidi underwent in a single day. Kewl.

The site is somewhat rudimentary, and you don’t really have all that much control over specific facial features…which is why, perhaps, I wound up looking like this when I tried to Heidi myself.

Thanks, but no thanks. Now, if Boobs Legsly‘s doctor put up a page like this…we’re talking a totally different ballgame.

Try at your own risk: http://balharboursurgery.com/heidiyourself/. And thank you to the STAR magazine in my doctor’s office for enlightening me to this social and medical atrocity.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

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