Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Celebs’ Category

Back to my roots

Posted by AllieB on May 11, 2011

I felt a bit exposed yesterday with all that talk about…you know…so today I revisit one of the founding fathers of BBT, a key component of its basic principles: celebrity fails.

Tara Reid…come on down!!!

The UK news source, Mail Online, reported:

According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

You know it’s time to call it a night when…your tooth falls out on the dance floor, and, upon finding it, you don’t even go brush it in the Ladies’ Room but instead whip out your handy tooth glue, smear some on, pop the thing back in, and keep dancing. I am not an overly anal person when it comes to the Five Second Rule and have been known to take sips of stranger’s drinks (and then meet said person later and say, “nice to meet you, we’ve swapped saliva” – why do I do that to myself.), but this…this is not okay.

She looks like a hot steaming mess of hotmess.

This will unlikely intrigue my male readers, but whatevs – can’t win ’em all. Go look at Boobs Legsly or something…anyway, my favorite blog about random crap that I never see anyplace else on the internet, The Hairpin, has recently revealed What Your American Girl Doll Says About the Rest of Your Life. I, of course, had Samantha, like anyone who is anyone did. My personality profile is, therefore:

Did you know, when you picked her out, that Samantha was the cool one? Duh. . . every girl wanted a Samantha. If you owned her, you quickly learned the value of cachet.

By virtue of acquiring a status symbol early on (a Samantha doll was the designer jeans of third grade), you never quite had to worry about things the way other girls did. You therefore grew up to be confidant, capable, and nonplussed. You’ve always been well liked. You aren’t the funniest in your group, but you’ve never really noticed or cared. It’s true, I’m very breezy. If you thought about it, you could probably recognize other women who had Samanthas. But that’s not that impressive: everybody can.

The link above details the rest of them, but, as a Samantha-owner, I don’t particularly care to share them – do that on your own time. I will say: I’m impressed.

Speaking of my roots, JBax aka Baxter Bark Thrice, graduated this past weekend. The 12 lbs of rope she has slung around her neck are indicative of the minimal effort and lack of involvement she maintained during her college days, and she was also definitely not elected Homecoming Queen. <sense the tone>

The ropes = awards and honors, in case you didn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I’m so proud :)

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What’s new, pussycat?

Posted by AllieB on April 28, 2011

As the heavens prepared to open above Metro Atlanta last night, having wreaked real, tragic havoc over Mississippi and Alabama, people around town made appropriate preparations: got the animals inside, made sure they had candles/flashlights, some of us ensured we had plenty of wine and library books…you get the picture: time to hunker down. Refer to the following BBM convo:

Me: Mom, are you going to Body Pump today?

Mom: No, I’m going to a concert at Cobb Energy Center

Me: A concert?! Mom, the weather is supposed to get really bad later!

Mom: Sorry to miss BP!

I thought this turn of events was a bit curious – although my mom does love concerts (Hippie Fest ’07, Rod Stewart & Stevie Nicks), but then forgot about it and carried on with my evening. It wasn’t until hours later when I was chatting with my older sister, CKB, that I learned what was going on. My mother was at the TOM JONES concert. TOM JONES. Tom “Sexbomb” Jones. What? I don’t even know.

Soundbite! J Simps on her “workout regimen” for her upcoming nuptials (PopEater, credit: Julia)

“I just have to work out on my own. There is no regimen I need to follow. There’s no diet I need to follow…No exercise is fun! I am going to dance around my bedroom and hopefully lose some weight — and lift some weights and do what I can!”

Every time Jessica gets the urge to speak, she should resist that urge and not speak. She’s the only person to whom I’d say this, but: try NOT using your words. I goog’ed “Jessica Simpson dancing.” Have I gone too far? This isn’t very nice.

from allwomenstalk.com

Maybe think about tossing in some pilates along with your boudoir frolics, or going on the occasional yog…just in case.

It’s almost here….my favorite thing: THE ROYAL WEDDING!!!! Kate’s getting hitched! I set my alarm for 4:01. If I can’t stay awake for it, at least I will be absorbing the coverage as I sleep…omg I seriously can’t wait. I’m afraid I’m not going to be doing any live-blogging, 1. because the chances of me staying awake are very slim, and 2. I don’t know how to live blog. Rest assured, I’ll have plenty to say after the fact tomorrow afternoon, so….BOLO.

 

 

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

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Something’s different…is that a new hairdo?

Posted by AllieB on April 6, 2011

Is it just me, or is this The Week that Time Stood Still. I would’ve bet the farm when I woke up this morning that it was Thursday. Newsflash: it’s Wednesday, known to some as Hump Day, known to me as The Day I Always Think Is Thursday.

Hilary finally made herself useful and sent me a link to celebrity yearbook pictures. I find Ryan Seacrest’s transformation inspiring: no matter how dire the situation is, there’s still hope… holy wow. He looked pretty saucy though, back in the day, like he just snapped his fingers and said, “oh no you di’ent….!”

Ryan Seacrest definitely went to his Ten Year High School Reunion

I find Boobs Legsly‘s transformation slightly less inspiring – anyone can get a new nose. Well, and new boobs, but the jury’s still out on that one. Not this jury, mind you – I am as positive they are fake as I was positive today is Thursday, but she has not confirmed any surgeries. ATTN Boobs: no need to confirm – I have eyes that can see.

mega schnoz -> normal schnoz

Disclaimer: I’m not hating on plastic surgery, and I think it goes without saying that any animosity I might have towards Blake is firmly rooted in complete and total jealousy.

If you have a pulse, you will like this video. It’s a mandatory must-see, no sound necessary. I die.

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

Do ugly people know they’re ugly?

Posted by AllieB on March 28, 2011

The quiet ones do.*

BOOM. I had a nice weekend – fairly standard with a side of really fun. I hung out with my peeps, ran a few errands, did a little cleaning, some dart throwing, a LOT of laughing…I also managed to hang on to both my first and last names (‘Allie’ & ‘Baxter’), which is more than I can say for this celebrity kook:

Diddy did it. So did Madonna and Prince, and now you can add Lindsay Lohan to the list of celebrities who are opting for a single moniker, with the troubled star’s mom, Dina, confirming to me that Lindsay plans to remove “Lohan” from her official name. “So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list…” (source: Popeater.com)

[Sigh of defeat] Well, I guess we can all just be relieved that she’s finally been able to pinpoint the source of her struggles: the two syllables of her last name. Problem: solved! This is some solid science, Lindsay Lohan – some very solid science.

I did a good bit of shopping on Saturday, and I had a few observations which I will share with you now:

  • don’t go shopping on Saturday
  • choose a day besides Saturday to do your shopping
  • Monday – Friday and Sunday are your best days for shopping

Le mis. However, I was able to ascertain that I want everything that every store is selling right now. I did some buying, but I still need all of these things (Miriam, this is not an invitation to go out and purchase the whole lot. AHEM Christmas Wishlist.)

  1. Free Dance Top – Anthropologie (that’s what they call it, to me it is a ‘fun shirt’)
  2. Nude Pump – Pour la Victoire
  3. White Flare Jeans – J Brand
  4. Blouse, Shorts, and Belt – J. Crew
  5. Leather Carryall – American Apparel (copying Atlantic-Pacific – my obsession grows daily)
  6. Turquoise Necklace – Kenneth Jay Lane

I wonder why I have such an aversion to color… Sidebar: is anyone else totally fed up with the red haired shopbop model!? I’ve had beef with her since ’06 and it really irks me that she’s still around, like, get another job or something. She’s so…smug.

*source: Texts From Last Night – All The Ones No One Remembers Sending - credit: Tina

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